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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared about this ex-colleagues message to me?

312 replies

Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 20:53

Ex-colleague. Both left company earlier this year. Worked with him for about 4 years on various projects. Always professional but I knew he was fond of me. Maintained contact outside work but totally platonically (he's married with children and I've been with someone for 12 years). Saw each other in a group a couple of times and went out for lunch once. He drove. In the car when he was dropping me off, he kind of lunged at me and gave me a big hug. I felt very awkward and he'd totally overstepped the mark and he knew he had. Since then, he's text a lot. I responded benignly at first, saying I was busy. More recently, I didn't text back or pick up his calls. I then blocked his number but a voicemail has just come through from him. It says, "if you don't pick up my calls, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide". What would you do?

OP posts:
FreshSet · 04/10/2017 13:54

hope this is the end of it for you op. On the off chance his name isnt Brian is it?

justakiss · 04/10/2017 13:57

What on earth is he thinking! If it was innocent and taken out of context (and he really didn't mean to threaten or scare you) then surely you would try and offer an explanation or make amends? You would be horrified if you thought someone had been threatened by something you meant as a joke.

I think his one word apology speaks volumes!

BellaNoche · 04/10/2017 14:02

Thanks for the update OP... he is such a weasel.
You've done well.... great support here too I am so glad, (there is always the odd apologist/enabler I am learning ..sad gits imo.)

Try and store everything so far in a permanent form.... just in case.

One more peep out of him and it is the plod... no excuse now....London poster way back was right about the text needed from you for evidence purposes.

Take care you, well done and shout up if you need anything. x

Ohyesiam · 04/10/2017 14:23

op u are a star.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 14:25

No, not called Brian and I won't be even remotely tempted to contact him in any way, shape or form!

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 04/10/2017 14:34

Someone suggested changing your phone number. Is that possible?
You shouldn't have to, of course, but you might feel more secure if you know he can't contact you at all.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 14:39

Thing is, it's the turning up at my house that I'm most scared of, as opposed to him texting/phoning (which would be massively unwelcome now), so changing my number isn't going to help really. Moving house might but even I think that's overkill!!

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 04/10/2017 14:41

Well done OP.Flowers

It sounds promising that he has apologised, in that he may realise he has crossed a line and is in deep shit if he continues. Here's to never hearing from him again!

GreenPolishToGo · 04/10/2017 14:47

Fingers crossed this is the end of it, Fosterdog. You have been very brave.

If he turns up or tries to contact you in any way, do go straight to the police.

user1495443009 · 04/10/2017 14:53

Just text him to say you don't want any contact within him and to stop threating you and that you will report him to the police. After you have reported him.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 14:56

Just spoken to the Suzy L helpline. Absolutely lovely woman who took it very seriously and gave me some further good advice.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 04/10/2017 14:58

I don't think he's going to turn up, OP. I think, from his (stupid) point of view, he probably thought that there is a "chemistry" between you that you can't deny or some tosh like that, and his saying that he would be coming round was an incredibly stupid attempt at seduction - he probably thought that you were "denying your feelings" and so on so he would come over and you would be overcome with desire etc. The stupid git did not even see how threatening it sounded.

Your message was spot on. I don't think you'll have any more trouble from him, but at the least indication, call the police. And his wife.

flippinada · 04/10/2017 15:05

You've dealt with this very well Foster. I hope you're feeling reassured and a bit more relaxed after your chat with the SuzyL people Flowers

holdthewine · 04/10/2017 15:07

Well done with the text OP. I'd have preferred his reply to have followed 'sorry' with. "Understood and I won't contact you again" but let's hope this is the end of it.

TiesThatBindMe · 04/10/2017 15:07

Expect a protracted explanation for his behaviour in the coming days. Do not respond.

StormTreader · 04/10/2017 15:13

"You never know when thats going to be" is WAY more threatening to me than "you know what that means". The second could conceivably be "Ill force you to go out for cocktails and delicious food!" whereas the first cant mean anything else than "I can get to you at any time so you cant make sure your DH is there to protect you".

AgathaF · 04/10/2017 15:20

I'm glad you've texted him and also that you've had advice from the Suzy L trust.

What a horrible thing for him to do. I can't believe anyone with any intelligence would leave that voicemail for a joke, so on that basis it has to be taken seriously.

Hopefully he's had the wakeup call that he badly needed. Will you keep his number unblocked so that you can monitor any further messages from him?

Seeingadistance · 04/10/2017 15:23

@StormTreader, yes, that's what I thought too when I read that.

OP, I'm thankful to the posters who provided the links to the Suzy L helpline, and glad that you've been in touch with them and got helpful advice.

To the apologists on this thread, those who've been minimising and excusing what this man has done. It might make you feel better, or safer, to think that the OP has somehow brought this upon herself as result of what she has or has not done or said. But the reality is that a man has chosen to make these threats, and that he, and he alone, is responsible for his behaviour.

NameChangr678 · 04/10/2017 15:27

Well done for texting him.

With men you HAVE to be blunt - they never pick up hints.

One of my guy friends was super upset because he didn't even realise he'd been dumped - his girlfriend just cut contact with him, he didn't know what was wrong, then saw she was with someone else. She was all like "It was so clear we'd broken up!" but from my experience guys are thick as bricks, they need to be told outright.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 04/10/2017 15:30

When I listened again to the text and realised my mistake and what he was actually saying, I had exactly the same response. It's like he's saying, keep looking over your shoulder.

Yes, I'm going to keep his number unblocked now. I want/need to know if he tries any further contact.

OP posts:
flutterby12 · 04/10/2017 15:37

Well done on contacting the police. I'd tell the wife too.

flippinada · 04/10/2017 15:47

I realise people mean well but telling his wife is not a good idea. You can't predict how she will react and it could very easily backfire.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 04/10/2017 16:08

I would not be at all inclined to tell his wife.

OP, I agree - the revised message sound more sinister to me, but hopefully it's over now. And yes, keep your number. You need to know if he abides by your request for no contact.

DartmoorDoughnut · 04/10/2017 16:12

Glad you text him and hope that's the end of it Flowers

CalmanOnSpeeddial · 04/10/2017 16:17

Don’t tell the wife because a) it’s indirect contact b) it’s the sort of thing you do if you had been in a relationship with him c) it’s not really appropriate - she’s not his keeper.

Well done on sending the text. It’s not for his benefit - he clearly already understood that you’ve been deliberately ignoring him and he simply believed that his wishes outweighed yours. But a clear statement in writing that further contact is unwelcome and will be construed as harassment makes the police’s job much easier if necessary (hope it won’t be).

Crossed fingers that his response meant that he was merely a selfish bastard with no concern for your feelings, rather than anything more sinister, and that this is the end of the matter.

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