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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared about this ex-colleagues message to me?

312 replies

Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 20:53

Ex-colleague. Both left company earlier this year. Worked with him for about 4 years on various projects. Always professional but I knew he was fond of me. Maintained contact outside work but totally platonically (he's married with children and I've been with someone for 12 years). Saw each other in a group a couple of times and went out for lunch once. He drove. In the car when he was dropping me off, he kind of lunged at me and gave me a big hug. I felt very awkward and he'd totally overstepped the mark and he knew he had. Since then, he's text a lot. I responded benignly at first, saying I was busy. More recently, I didn't text back or pick up his calls. I then blocked his number but a voicemail has just come through from him. It says, "if you don't pick up my calls, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide". What would you do?

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 03/10/2017 21:11

That's so weird! Do you have any mutual friends who might be able to decipher his weirdness? I think I'd do as a pp said, final message re stop contacting me. Does he have your address?

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 21:11

I do feel like contacting the police might be over-cautious at this point. Should I send him a text saying stop texting, ringing etc and under no circumstances come round?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 21:12

Yes he knows where I live. He's picked me up a few times with work in the past.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 03/10/2017 21:15

Just send him what I wrote futher up thread re warning about harassment.

If he then tries to contact you after that then speak with the police on non emergency number. If he comes to yours phone 999

HateIsNotGood · 03/10/2017 21:16

Just call him up and say that you're not interested and he can forget about thinking he has anything to pursue. Hardly 'police' level yet - so he could be a murderous bastard but I think they are far and few in reality.

SusanTheGentle · 03/10/2017 21:16

I would call the police actually - not to be dramatic, but to ask what to do. I'm not sure whether if responding to tell him to fuck off, however nicely you phrase it, is the best idea or not. And I think the non emergency police people will know what to do.

Are you quite safe in there if he does come? Obviously you're frightened but can he get in? If he does show up then definitely call the police.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/10/2017 21:17

It just sounds like a friend being daft to me.

Just ring him.

You can always call the police afterwards if you feel you need to.

LexieLulu · 03/10/2017 21:18

I don't get why you aren't telling the police? He's threatening you

MadgeMidgerson · 03/10/2017 21:19

No, really don’t respond. He has already shown that he doesn’t interpret things within standard bounds- a sensible person would have taken the hint by now.

Any other communication can and likely will be interpreted in line with whatever narrative he has constructed about you and your relationship with him.

Document everything.

Raver84 · 03/10/2017 21:19

I have been in a very very similar situation started out friends then he became obsessed... I found it weird, was polite at first, then told him I didn't want contact, the i ignored him. He then looked up my parents address where I was staying and drove 100 miles to knock on their door during the night 'for a chat'. Weird. Told him to fuck off. Then he kept emailing me, calling leaving random messages, calling my work.. I did report him to the police and they took it extreamly seriously and arrested him at his workplace . It's not a joke and what he is doing is not ok. Call the police for advise but do not contact him.

Foxysoxy01 · 03/10/2017 21:20

You need to send a text/call/email saying you want him to stop contacting you and any further attempts at contact by him will be reported to the police.

Then record anything else he does/says in a book.

Make sure you keep doors etc locked and maybe let a friend or family member know what is going on.

I imagine he thinks he is being funny and sharing an in joke with you. He may even think you reciprocate his feelings. Obviously none of that is your problem and you need to make it very clear you want him to stop.

ParkRunning · 03/10/2017 21:22

Why post if you don’t want to do what is the only logical thing to do?

Of course you shouldn’t get in touch Hmm

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 21:23

Ive not spoken to the police yet cos it's gone from zero to scary very quickly. He was a mate from work. A senior, trusted, professional colleague. I maintained contact with him after we both left, as I have done with a few ex colleagues. Now suddenly, he's leaving me a voicemail saying I can run but I can't hide and threatening to come round. He lives about 30 ish miles away, so only 30 minutes away.

OP posts:
Benedikte2 · 03/10/2017 21:24

Yes, this. He will not pay any attention to your texts.
If the police feel this has not reached the level they require for intervention they will tell you so. Either way they will advise you what to do. They might just have a quiet word with him, will not necessarily make a drama out of it.
Good luck
Let us know how you get on

SassySausageSupper · 03/10/2017 21:24

Please call the police. You won’t regret it but you will regret it if he escalates and you didn’t do anything about it.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 03/10/2017 21:25

Been through this recently. You need to tell him to not contact you again. Otherwise he hasn't done anything wrong.
Also keep all communications from him.
Then phone the police.
Hope you are ok.

Foxysoxy01 · 03/10/2017 21:25

I really don't think you can go to the police if you haven't actually told him you want him to leave you alone.

Do you not think telling him clearly you do not want anymore contact from him at all is the first step?

Of course you know how you feel and I have no idea how he is actually behaving other than a very short thread on the internet so if you feel really frightened or vulnerable then do call the police, I just think it might be better to actually tell him how you feel and what you want first?

splatattack · 03/10/2017 21:26

Tell him you will call the police, that should stop him...

PashPash · 03/10/2017 21:27

he could be a murderous bastard but I think they are far and few in reality

No. Stalking and harassment is depressingly common. And this is how it starts. Don't miss an opportunity to go in hard. Get the police on him.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/10/2017 21:27

Is that the sort of joke he would have made, OP? It's hard for us to tell his intentions when he's using something that's a standard joke.

SuperFurrySasquatch · 03/10/2017 21:30

If you do contact him to say to leave you alone then do so in a text or email. You need a record of what's been said. Do not phone him!

BossyBitch · 03/10/2017 21:30

Don't respond, it encourages them!

I know people mean well but just don't! Worst case scenario if you do: he's got this whole rationalising algorithm in his head that makes any response register as some form of 'she loves me - she's just too shy/well mannered/inhibited/whatever to admit it'. If he's at all stalkerish (and there's a good chance going by your OP), that's what he WILL think.

And, yes, do call (non-emergency) police.

As for people thinking it's not THAT level yet: that's irrelevant, if it does escalate it helps to be on the record. Not to mention that this is clearly threatening and hence actually THAT level.

I'm speaking as someone who was once stranded in my flat for three days due to the creepy fuck literally camping out in front of my house. I should have called the police but, being 19, waited for my unreliable dad to finally turn up instead. Don't be young, dumb me, OP!!!

Herechickychicky · 03/10/2017 21:32

I can't work out if it's a joke or come-on gone really wrong. At the very least it's REALLY unwise of him. I would feel intimidated too.

I think I would send one text making it explicitly clear that you want no further contact from him in any form, and that if he contacts you again, even once, you will report it to the police immediately.

mumtri · 03/10/2017 21:33

Send the text - more of a record and clearer evidence than calling. Then log it via 101 but state you don't need police response at this stage but you will then have a reference and if anything further happens they have the history etc...

Above all else, stay safe

NameChangeFamousFolk · 03/10/2017 21:36

I would call the police actually - not to be dramatic, but to ask what to do

Sensible advice.

You sound pretty sensible as well OP, and I strongly think you should NOT ignore your instincts. They are there for a reason.

You're not being hysterical. You're sufficiently disturbed to seek advice from the people in a position to give it.

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