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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared about this ex-colleagues message to me?

312 replies

Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 20:53

Ex-colleague. Both left company earlier this year. Worked with him for about 4 years on various projects. Always professional but I knew he was fond of me. Maintained contact outside work but totally platonically (he's married with children and I've been with someone for 12 years). Saw each other in a group a couple of times and went out for lunch once. He drove. In the car when he was dropping me off, he kind of lunged at me and gave me a big hug. I felt very awkward and he'd totally overstepped the mark and he knew he had. Since then, he's text a lot. I responded benignly at first, saying I was busy. More recently, I didn't text back or pick up his calls. I then blocked his number but a voicemail has just come through from him. It says, "if you don't pick up my calls, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide". What would you do?

OP posts:
FastWindow · 03/10/2017 22:46

Except... You have called the police on 101. All calls are logged. No police officer would advise you to text him back and tell you the matter had not been logged. You would have been given a log number to quote in case of further contact by your ex colleague.
Hmm?

BabyKangaroo90 · 03/10/2017 22:48

Have you thought about telling your partner? It might make you feel a bit safer having someone around if he could stay for the night? As you say you haven't crossed any lines with him so surely he'd been understanding? Hope it all gets sorted out for you x

Seeingadistance · 03/10/2017 22:48

To those who're saying that the OP needs to tell this guy that the contact is unwanted. Studies have shown that pretty much everyone understands a "soft" no, e.g., excuses like "I'm too busy to talk" or plain ignoring calls and texts. Men like this know full well that they are being told to get lost. They choose not to hear it.

No one should have to say to anyone else - Do not threaten me!

It goes without saying that such behaviour is unacceptable.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 22:49

For all those saying I have no complaint cos I've never told him not to contact me - I'm genuinely intrigued as to whether you really believe that I'm being unreasonable here. If an ex-colleague stopped responding to your texts and calls, after politely saying more than once that they were busy, would you really continue to try and make contact and then leave a threatening message that you were going to come round and that they could run but they couldn't hide. Is this really an OK way to behave?

OP posts:
tamepanda · 03/10/2017 22:49

Contact the police. Seriously. They take this stuff very very seriously!
I had an ex who behaviour was the same as this. I had a year of hell! I didn’t go to the police when it was just texts, I didn’t go when it was phone calls, I didn’t go the police when he turned up at my local pub (and place I used to work) and started questioning my friends as to where I was ... I only went to the police after he turned up at my house, at my doorstep, screaming at me, swearing at me, threatening me. I had my two teenage sisters staying with me who were able to act as witnesses to the event which meant it went to court. It took 6 months. I had 6 months of threatening emails, post, withheld number phone call.

If I’d gone to the police the first time I was scared by his behaviour, then I would have been saved a year of torture.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/10/2017 22:49

I am really surprised you were told to text him not to contact you

I would contact the police again and tell them the message be left you poor information from the woman giving advice

FastWindow · 03/10/2017 22:50

Op has contacted police.

MadamePomfrey · 03/10/2017 22:50

Hopefully the final text from you will be enough op! My only advice would be to keep a record of everything from here on out! Not just direct contact but if you receive messages from mutual friends ect saying he is asking after you anything at all even if it seems silly it will help to build a picture if things do need to escalate!

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 22:51

These are his exact words - "You know, if you don't pick up your phone, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means. Remember, you can run but you can't hide." I have no idea what he means when he says, you know what that means don't you.

OP posts:
TopBitchoftheWitches · 03/10/2017 22:53

Yes actually a police officer would tell you to contact him and tell him to leave you alone.
If he doesn't then that's where the crime begins.

My second police officer helped me write a great email in reply to him.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 22:54

I have told my partner. He's fuming.

OP posts:
MadamePomfrey · 03/10/2017 22:54

For the record I completely agree that you shouldn’t have to tell anyone not to threaten/harass you! It was only past experience with the police that made me give the advice to send the final text!

RandomMess · 03/10/2017 22:56

No you shouldn't have to text but in the eyes of the law/police clearly you need to for them to take action.

That message is horrible Flowers

Soupandsnow · 03/10/2017 22:56

Unfortunately, I've been through this and you need to tell the person quite frankly not to contact you again in writing and that you will contact the police if they try any further contact, be it text or email. Police need the written evidence that you have told the other person the contact is unwanted for them to be able to pursue any charges in future should the other party contact you. It's all for the legal side of things that this is required.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 22:57

Fast window - not sure what your hhmm? is all about. I have called 101, spoken to them and they have not given me a log number. She was ready to wrap the 5 minute call up and I enquired about whether it would be logged and she said no cos they were taking no action.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 03/10/2017 22:58

Call the police then. I would. He has threatened you. You have ignored all his attempts to contact him and he has resorted to this mad tactic. I would absolutely call the police.

Seeingadistance · 03/10/2017 22:59

I think the Police should take action, and take action now based on that text message.

I've been thinking about this and comparing to a situation I had a few years ago which didn't get to this length. A work acquaintance sent me a FB friend request after we met briefly at a conference. We had a number of FB friends in common - I accepted the request. We chatted a bit on FB, which I'm not in the habit of, and I said that I didn't really use FB for that. Eventually, I blocked him because he kept contacting me as soon as I went onto FB, despite me being very clear that I didn't like or want that level of contact.

He lived about 2 hours away from me and I lived on my own. I did not receive any other messages from him, but if I had got a text like the one the OP has received, I would be really frightened.

OP, I think you should get back in touch with the Police. Emphasise that you have already made it very clear over a period of time that you don't want contact with this man, and that you feel threatened and alarmed by this most recent message. Ask that they speak to him and that they make sure he understands not to contact you again.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 03/10/2017 23:01

This

Unfortunately, I've been through this and you need to tell the person quite frankly not to contact you again in writing and that you will contact the police if they try any further contact, be it text or email. Police need the written evidence that you have told the other person the contact is unwanted for them to be able to pursue any charges in future should the other party contact you. It's all for the legal side of things that this is required.

SpiritedLondon · 03/10/2017 23:01

Yes unfortunately you need to contact him and tell him not to contact you again. If you don't he could argue that he didn't know his attention was unwanted. Once you've made it crystal clear then it's easier to prove an offence has been committed if he does choose to make contact.

Seeingadistance · 03/10/2017 23:02

So, what happens if the OP texts him saying No, do not contact me again, and he turns up anyway. Saying that she'll report him to the Police might put her in more danger, not less.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 23:04

I'm worried that if I send him a string text, that he'll become angry and that things will escalate. I know that's ridiculous cos it's him and only him creating this situation and not giving a shit about me or scaring me but I've now got raging anxiety about him turning up and/or escalating. On the other hand, if I do/say nothing, he'll turn up anyway.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 03/10/2017 23:04

Bloody hell! I'm not disbelieving what people here are saying about what the Police require from women in these situations, but really, we live in a country when 2-3 women are killed every week by current or former partners. Including Police Officers!

Why is the legal system not fully aware of the dangers posed to women by male violence and how it starts?!

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 23:05

#strong, not string, obviously.

OP posts:
mumtri · 03/10/2017 23:07

You've sent the message, you have a record, you have drawn the line. Well done, now the police can respond far easier if he crosses that line in anyway shape or form..

The playing message and recording on phone/iPad is a very good idea as is screen shotting the text and emailing it to yourself

FastWindow · 03/10/2017 23:07

My hmm, is because if you have five pages of worry on MN, twenty-five plus people telling you to call the police, you've already rung them on 101 and got no log number (really) and a fuming boyfriend then you might want to be less extra and actually report this. Lots of people are quite concerned for you.