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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared about this ex-colleagues message to me?

312 replies

Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 20:53

Ex-colleague. Both left company earlier this year. Worked with him for about 4 years on various projects. Always professional but I knew he was fond of me. Maintained contact outside work but totally platonically (he's married with children and I've been with someone for 12 years). Saw each other in a group a couple of times and went out for lunch once. He drove. In the car when he was dropping me off, he kind of lunged at me and gave me a big hug. I felt very awkward and he'd totally overstepped the mark and he knew he had. Since then, he's text a lot. I responded benignly at first, saying I was busy. More recently, I didn't text back or pick up his calls. I then blocked his number but a voicemail has just come through from him. It says, "if you don't pick up my calls, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide". What would you do?

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 03/10/2017 21:37

Normally I'd say send a firm message back saying not to contact you.

you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide

Is very threatening though. I'd speak to the police for advice. That's not funny phrasing.

pandarific · 03/10/2017 21:37

What mumtri said! Text then log via 101.

MothQuandary · 03/10/2017 21:39

Poor you. I’m sure it must be scary but, as some of the saner PPs have said, if you haven’t actually told him to leave you alone, he isn’t technically doing anything wrong.

Send him a text saying exactly what you suggested previously (“Stop ringing and texting and under no circumstances come round”) and I would add “or I shall contact the police” so there can be no doubt in his mind.

That will probably be the end of it but, if it isn’t, then - obviously - call the police.

NoodleNinja · 03/10/2017 21:39

I would probably text a stern warning first then proceed from there but do not hesitate to call the police if he keeps it up.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 03/10/2017 21:43

as some of the saner PPs have said, if you haven’t actually told him to leave you alone, he isn’t technically doing anything wrong

He has left a message in a threatening/disturbing manner which has intimated and frightened the OP. He has already done something wrong.

CredulousThickos · 03/10/2017 21:43

Creepy. Lock your doors and if he does turn up, call the police.

BossyBitch · 03/10/2017 21:46

if you haven’t actually told him to leave you alone, he isn’t technically doing anything wrong.

Seriously, though?

They weren't close. They only met one-on-one once (and it was for lunch FFS). He realised trying to hug her was awkward. And, to top it all off, he quite obviously seems to have noticed that she's deliberately not responding - hence the wording of the creepy message.

This man is simply refusing to accept what he has long since understood. Yes, he is doing something wrong - technically, metaphorically and in every other sense. This man is not thick - he simply feels entitled to the OP's attention!

SnowiestMountain · 03/10/2017 21:50

'Futher un wanted communication from you will be treated as harassment and I will contact the police.'

Text exactly this, one more text/message from him and report immediately.

WingsofNylon · 03/10/2017 21:50

I had someone contacting me in a similar way. Police said as I had ignored rather than directly stated that I wanted him to never contact me they couldn't consider any action. They advised me to tell him and he would need to break that request then me tell him a second time before they could act.

It might not be correct but it was what I was told. So tell him clearly.

FindTheLightSwitchDarren · 03/10/2017 21:51

Agree with some pps' advice; text him telling him, in no uncertain terms, to not contact you again and then report it to the non-emergency police, even if it's just so that you have something on record.

MipMipMip · 03/10/2017 21:52

What Snowiest wrote, but take out unwanted. He will rationalise it that all contact IS wanted.

GinAndSonic · 03/10/2017 21:53

Continuing contact might not technically be harassment if she hasn't told him to stop BUT he's made a threat so that's different.

Id call police.

CluelessMummy · 03/10/2017 21:57

Text him, "I am not sure if that was supposed to be a joke but I don't find it funny at all. If you show up at my house when I've made it clear to you that I don't wish to talk to you I will call the police. Please don't contact me again."

MadamePomfrey · 03/10/2017 22:01

@WingsofNylon.- my friend had exactly the same she had to explicitly state she wanted no further contact and that she felt threaten twice (as a minimum) before they could act! Ideally proving this bloke had received both messages Hmm. It’s a ridiculous system but it dose seem to be the way the police work.

Op send a clear message stating you don’t want any further contact! I would wait a while before reblocking as a reply will prove he got your message. Of course if you feel unsafe in the house call someone round or register with police non emergency number 101 but don’t be surprised if they won’t act till you contact him!

londonrach · 03/10/2017 22:03

Police. What ever you do dont call him, text him. Break all contact.

HiJenny35 · 03/10/2017 22:10

The problem is who knows how he meant that, is he the jokey type? Did you two joke about things? How close were you? Could he possibly think that he's offended you and be confused about why and that's why he wants to talk to you? To be honest we don't know enough to say.
With what you've said I think I'd send one tx and one only saying...
I'm sorry but now we don't work together I'd rather break all contact as I feel things were rather strange between us however don't harbour any ill feelings towards you. Please don't contact me again and if you arrive at my house I will call the police. Thank you
I don't see how the police can do anything when you haven't told him to leave you alone.

MothQuandary · 03/10/2017 22:17

I did not mean that his actions were justified! Good grief! But the OP has not told him to leave her alone. Of course he should have got the hint, but what’s wrong with OP telling him directly to leave her alone?

cavatron · 03/10/2017 22:20

Call the police! It's then logged for if he were to turn up.

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 03/10/2017 22:22

He's threatening her, no one needs to explicitly ask not to be threatened.

If you don't feel comfortable calling the police, OP, these folks will advise you:

www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/FAQs/Category/personal-safety

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 03/10/2017 22:23

Friend just called round for a bit. Am going to log it with 101 in a mo. Were we close? We were colleagues who worked closely on a few projects, both at a senior level. We spent a lot of time away in hotels, conferences, meetings, dinners etc. He's very bright, articulate and good company but that's absolutely as far as it went. I have very firm boundaries and never once gave even the slightest hint of anything more. He may well have thought it jokey but what kind of man 'threatens' to come round to someone's house if they don't respond to multiple texts/calls. Anyone decent and/or intelligent knows this is crossing a boundary in a big way.

OP posts:
ReginaBlitzkreig · 03/10/2017 22:23

You really DON'T have to contact him to say "leave me alone", whether legally or morally. The police do sometimes say this, but then many forces have form for fobbing people off, if only to ration their services.
The question is whether any reasonable person would recognise that you didn't want contact. Plainly, they would. And as his message shows, your ex- colleague himself gets that you don't want to seal to him: hence telling you he WILL have contact anyway.
Ring the police.

ReginaBlitzkreig · 03/10/2017 22:24

seal?
speak!

PoorYorick · 03/10/2017 22:27

Contact your local station now and explain the situation. And don't let him or anyone else try to trivialise it or make you feel like you're overreacting. That's terrifying.

RosaRosaRose · 03/10/2017 22:27

You sound frightened. Trust your instinct. Send the text that Clueless suggested and log it with a call to 101.

midnightmisssuki · 03/10/2017 22:28

OP - have you actually told him not to contact you? Or have you interpreted that you telling him 'sorry I'm busy' multiple times will translate to him as 'stop contacting me?'

If former - then i would speak to police. You clearly have told him to stop. If latter - i would tell him to stop contacting you at once and see what he does.