To not want my Daughters boyfriend here every weekend?

[SoCockneyItHurts]

Just that really....he lives about 100 odd miles away from us and he comes to us on a Friday night til Sunday night. DD is 19 and they've been together over 2 years. She will sometimes go to his but they're here more. I'm fed up with it every weekend but feel horrible saying it to her as she takes immediate offence! I'm feeling particularly fed up at the moment anyway which isn't helping. The noise this morning got to me (they were play fighting with DS who is 7) and I lost my temper and told her to "grow up". They've now gone out and I heard her say to her Dad "we're going out as don't want to be in this negative miserable house"!! Or is it me??

So sorry to read all this OP. 💐💐💐

Op, the boils been lanced now and it will be ok from now on in no matter what you have to face. Get yourself to the Dr and get yourself fighting fit - for you first and foremost.

You're doing a great job and everything is going to be Ok. xxxx

Thank you xxx

Glad she's bringing the kitten back. A bit of space for her will help.
It's a shame she's not loving university, and I can understand why she wants to talk to you about it, but at the same time it's yet another thing that seems to fall to you to deal with. You are carrying a lot, the rest of the family. It definitely is worth speaking to your GP.
I wonder whether a weekend away for you would do you good? Even just a weekend on your own in a Premier Inn room where you could just relax and not be running round after everyone. And it might be an eye opener for the rest of the family to spend a weekend in the house without you there to dish up dinner for the lot of them and all the rest of it.

Well, the ball is now rolling. It seems that both of you are struggling emotionally at present, but you have a great mediator, in your Mother.
It'll all be okay Sweet, sometimes life throws us a curved ball.
See if you can spend a little time alone, with your daughter, the one great thing is, she wants her Mum ! 🌺

Buttery is right, but not go to a faceless shit premier inn. for the same mooney you could get an air&b on the coast & walk & breath
PP is right, this has been a rough w/e, but the boil has been lanced.
D may have felt under pressure re uni.... no pressure. she can stop/change/travel.... She is 19, try & take a step back.

Dear OP, I have been in a similar situation with my DD, I was you. so take strength from me. Step back. It WILL all be fine.
Actual plans may fly out the window, but do not lose faith. You love her & she loves you (Yes, she does). She is 19, in a few years time, whatever the changes, life goes on. Big encouraging massive Support to you.
& breath......

Thank you xxx

Please look after yourself OP.

SoCockneyItHurts "I just don't know how to deal with this. I've had enough of being made to feel guilty and to blame all the time. I'm sick of it"

I;m so sorry to read this. My dd is much younger (12) and is expert at pretending/making out that I am a bad mum, not loving enough etc. But when things are calm she comes and hugs me and I know she is loosing her temper with me (and being a total bitch verbally) because I am a safe person to do this to.

Sadly, you have a lot on your plate and she is basically pushing you when you are down. Are you making an appointment to see the GP for a chat?

I am sure things will work out with your daughter. You need to be able to offload on to someone, your dh? It's not really important but what was the issue with the water bottle? I do hope your dh is being supportive and not adding to the stress. I am still caching up on your posts, is he her dad or her step dad?

OP I think I've read all your posts. I think that as you have had depression, used alcohol to manage it and now given up the alcohol then these are the things to addrress first.

Stress about your younger son's health or your dd's boy friend's frequent visits are all real things that you can address but you need to do this from a position of strength. You need to get yourself fighting fit.

SoCockneyItHurts " too am wondering if it's hormones.....I'm 43 so may be a tad early for menopause but cycle has become irregular plus I have underactive thyroid which can cause early menopause or could be peri-menopause? Whatever it is I'm not liking it so could be worth getting bloods checked. I'm erring more towards the fact that I'm just a miserable cow though lol!"

I have an underactive thyroid and started menopause in early 40s. In fact I think anything after 42 is not considered early, even though national average is around 50/51.

Please see the doctor and get something in place for you.

Then tackle issues around your dd and your ds's health. Talk to your dh and get him on side. Talk to your daughter, if she really does not like uni, could something change? Could she change course, could she change uni, could she stay at uni for now but start looking for a job instead? It may be appropriate just to be a listening ear, let her decide what is right and be supportive.

Once things have calmed down a bit you could address the issue of the boyfriend being there all the time. I agree it is an issue and you are not wrong to want some peace and quiet. However, I wonder if that issue needs to take a back seat while you address your own health and your daughter's mental health?

Totally agree with Maryz "Don't talk about this now; emotions are too high and things will be said (are being said!) that you will both regret.

Make time during the week, or next weekend when bf isn't around, and set up some ground rules - you, her, your dh.

Don't feel guilty; that's pointless. You are where you are now, you need to make plans for where you go from here..."

PS It is a very popular song on here about not wasting doctors time. But realistically the doctor is there for your medical needs and you clearly have needs. It is rarely - IMHO - the people who worry about wasting doctors' time who actually do so.

I am so sick of hearing the NHS is on its knees but the reality is that if your health takes a nose dive then the impact on your 7 year old son and 19 year daughter could mean issues for them. Is it worth risking the people you love, who depend on you, because you fear you will waste 10 minutes of your GP's time? No it is not.

I am not a medical person so have no idea exactly what may be on offer for you, or appropriate. But I do know (having had counselling for anxiety on the NHS) that the small input of time I did take from the NHS may well have stopped me being a much bigger burden on the NHS in the future.

That's what the NHS is there for, the national health.

Please do not feel dissuaded from getting help by anyone who does not know your medical history or your needs. They simply do not know what is best. Your GP may well be able to help.

It's hard to admit that you can't keep up with uni work/ have made no friends to hang out with though everyone else appears to have/ have chosen the wrong course / feel anxious and out of your depth when everyone else is loving it.
Is she living at home but attending uni? That makes it harder to make friends. And a steady boyfriend means you don't go out much at all. Perhaps she is hanging onto bf as she has no one else to go out with?
And rather than working out how you deal with being a 'loser' with no friends or a 'failure' at uni it's easier to blame depression or your 'selfish' mother.
I did similar myself, at a later stage of life, unable to admit that I wasn't the person I thought I was, clever and capable, but actually needed other people and friends - which I then had to work out how to get and to accept I am the person I am with my failings and flaws.
Long ramble but I'm sure with some very honest talks between DD and yourself you can work out a way forward. You do seem angry OP but it could be being left to sort out the family whilst holding down a job etc. But you need these honest looks at your life too imv.

I would maybe ask that one weekend every month they are definitely not both at yours for the weekend so that you feel you can have a chill weekend but other than that I don't really see the issue unless there's something wrong with the boyfriend.

YANBU. him there every single weekend is taking the piss. two weekends a month ok, but no more than that.
i'd tell her and him to jog on.

I'd hate this every single weekend. It would drive me mad. Say once a month is plenty from now on. Or she finds alternative accommodation. I've not read the whole thread.

Honestly I'd be fine with it but then I'd slob round in my pjs and be myself in front of them if a two year long term partner because that's like family . as for intimacy I'd either just do it anyway (belive me they'll leave if they hear ) or be frank about it . I tell my teens that I'm getting it on with dad so could you all bugger off somewhere and throw them some moeny and off they go . Nowt wrong with being honest about needing some time with the fella .

Sounds nice that she was playing with her brother tbh ...but . if you need a weekend alone each month just ask for it .

Perhaps you could change your approach. Your dd sounds pretty sorted and very much involved in your family - you are luckier than you realise.

Why not tell your dd you're feeling down at the moment (not mentioning boyfriend) and how difficult it is to shake off your mood. Get her onside. She must feel she and her boyfriend are the problem, when really I think the problem is you are overwhelmed and possibly depressed. She could perhaps take your ds out from time to time and generally be a bit more considerate, and in any case your relationship will improve if you share your feelings with her. But don't complain about her boyfriend!

Good luck.

hope you're OK op! I can imagine it's frustrating, try not to take it out on them in negative ways we've all been 19 and in love at some point, try having a calm chat with your DD maybe go out for coffee. I know n the feeling of a mother not giving enough attention maybe suggest going out together, spend more quality time with her and you may feel a little less stressed, explain to her that you would like Atleast one weekend without Bf being there.as it's your home and you want a weekend with no visitors every so many weeks Atleast something along those lines after all she's an adult living under your roof she has to live by your rules

You're not giving her enough attention? Maybe you would be able to if her boyfriend wasn't there every weekend!

Teenagers often have that poor me complex, very irrational!

Decide what you want to happen and do it, don't let DD make you feel guilty.

YANBU. He’s not a member of the family. He’s her current boyfriend that’s all. I would be very pissed off. I’d definitely say something and ask them to cut it down to 2 visits a month. If they are so desperate to see each other he can stay in a b&b or cheap hotel.

I'm with you, op. I would not want it every weekend, I hate when my kids have their friends overnight, I just can't relax, slob about, and constantly feel on show with cooking etc.

I solved half of it by banning daughter's boyfriend from coming here but then he is a total fucking asshole (and dd knows this) who has actually said some not nice things about me, my husband and our son.

I get where you are coming from! My own kids irritate me when they are here so adding another would be too much!

You are being a. It unreasonable.

Growing up does involve having a good relationship with siblings and she is being affectionate to her brother and you tell her off? Really?

I had a meltdown in September over this exact thing only my DD's BF was here every day, every evening ... he came on holiday with us, came to a 3 day festival with us ... I cooked and included him or DD cooked for them. He occasionally showered here.

I was finding some his clothes in DD's washing (after I'd put them through the washer so was obligated to dry them).

The last straw for me was him not thanking us for including him in going to the festival, he'd originally said he'd pay for his ticket which he didn't ... I let that go ... but not to thank us tipped me over the edge.

They now split their time at his and here.

He's a great kid and he dotes on dd but having him here constantly got to me.

Definitely not you!
No way would I be having that every weekend, it's totally unfair on the rest of the family.