To not want my Daughters boyfriend here every weekend?

[SoCockneyItHurts]

Just that really....he lives about 100 odd miles away from us and he comes to us on a Friday night til Sunday night. DD is 19 and they've been together over 2 years. She will sometimes go to his but they're here more. I'm fed up with it every weekend but feel horrible saying it to her as she takes immediate offence! I'm feeling particularly fed up at the moment anyway which isn't helping. The noise this morning got to me (they were play fighting with DS who is 7) and I lost my temper and told her to "grow up". They've now gone out and I heard her say to her Dad "we're going out as don't want to be in this negative miserable house"!! Or is it me??

I understand and YANBU at all in my view. I don't know if I'd allow these sleepovers at all really. It's your house and your rules. Every weekend is excessive and puts too much on you and the whole family.

I like my own space so this will bother me too. It is your house.

I also agree with this if they aren't able to stay at his parents.

Initially DS didn't like to stay at his girlfriend's because mum and da were always fighting and he felt caught in the middle. They used him to have digs at each other ' I bet your mum and dad don't do that do they '
' would your mum put up with that', ' I m sure your dad would t say that to your mum', that kind of thing. It made him uncomfortable although things are sorted now. I wouldn't want to stay there either!

Unless the local GP has a spare room to let, I'm not sure why the OP (and the beleaguered NHS services) would benefit from a visit to them.

My last year of high school (so I was 16), I would either stay at mine with my boyfriend or at his. He was at sixth form and his brother was a school year below me so I'd just go to school with them. Our mum's didn't mind at all.

Around my 17th birthday, he ended up living with me at my mums for 6 weeks and then we moved out together.

We've been together for 9 years, married for 2 and have our third child on the way.

I think you are being ridiculous. They'll probably move out together soon! Appreciate the fact they were playing with your 7 year old.. I have an 8 year old sister and she bugs my mum almost as soon as she wakes up! So surely you wouldn't get peace anyway?

I'm with you OP. It's your house and at 19 your daughter is no longer a child. You have absolutely no obligation to have her boyfriend living in your home every weekend. It would drive me nuts!

Are they employed? Can they rent something together? What are their plans? Can they stay with his parents alternate weekends?

You need to have a serious chat with your daughter asap and lay down some rules and give her a time frame.

I feel for you OP, I'd hate it too. There's no way my parents would have let me do that at 19 (or older!). I've got 3 v young boys and no chance they'll be doing that when they're older. Dating, bringing their other halves over for a meal when invited and maybe the odd sleep over. But practically living together? No chance. They can move out if they want to take a relationship to that stage.

YANBU! Every weekend would drive me bloody mad. Does he contribute food? I think I'd be limiting it to one or twice a month.

Appreciate the fact they were playing with your 7 year old.

The seven year old didn't appreciate it. OP says he was upset.

I'm with op - an extra adult man in the house every weekend is too much. Does dd even ask if it's OK, or does he just turn up?

In my mums house at the time was..
My mum, my sister (19), me (16), younger sisters (3 and newborn).
So boyfriend added made 4 adults and 2 younger children.

We helped out with babysitting the little ones straight from newborn, would help around the house and would buy food. My mum wouldn't take any money in rent from either of us.

We left in May and my sister left for uni in September. So she didn't have to put up with us all for too long.

A couple of years later when she finished uni my sister actually moved back to my mums with her girlfriend and they brought a puppy!! They stayed while they saved to buy their own house. I believe they would put gas and electric on every so often.

I plan on being that kind of parent with my children. We all have such a good relationship now, I'm glad it wasn't made awkward when we wanted our partners to stay.

Very well done OP for giving up the booze. 💐

I really wouldn't blame yourself for any of this your daughter is taking the piss, especially getting all upset if you talk to her. She's 19 not nine FFS. It's manipulative behaviour, which seems to be working really well for her.

You've totally done your bit raising your daughter. You are under no obligation whatsoever to provide a home for her boyfriend every fucking weekend.

Ah! I didn't see the part about the 7 year old being upset! I take back my comment!

Yanbu. It's too often. She can go there or not see each other as often.

Adding my voice to the non-doormats here; OP you're not in the wrong for wanting and needing your family space to not be hosting a boyfriend all the time. Once or twice a month staying over is generous and I wouldn't want a non-family member underfoot constantly.

Your daughter is old enough to make plans to stay with her boyfriend at his home and elsewhere if she needs to stay over with him that often. She should respect the family home and as much as it's hers, it's also yours and you need that time and space for your own family sometimes.

When he's there, make him welcome indeed but outside those times, they need to find somewhere else to hang about and it shouldn't be beyond their wits to do that.

Don't cave to the pressure either and don't make the mistake of allowing something 'just once' because that would put it at great risk of becoming the 'norm' when that's the last thing you want.

And please ignore the spiteful loudmouths telling you that you need to bend over to accommodate your children and their boyfiends/girlfriends... or they won't visit you in future. It's a crock and I wouldn't like to imagine how they are treated by their children when those children have been brought up to be so entitled and inconsiderate.

Perhaps do see your GP though... something's upsetting you and ruling out any medical issues would put your mind at rest about that at least.

I have a good relationship with my DC. I see them all frequently.

They moved back home if they needed to for a while. Inc one with partner for a couple of months out of sheer necessity.

I still didn't have partners staying every weekend for a couple of years and I wouldn't have. I like my own space (also happy if DH is away!)

It's not a crime and it doesn't have to destroy relationships unless your DC are only using you for convenience.

You are working and your husband works shifts; you must feel like ships that pass in the night sometimes, and I expect you do most of the housework/shopping etc. Add to that a visitor nearly every week end and a 7 year old son as well as daughter then you must be cheesed off. I would also add that you clearly do not know how long this arrangement will continue; it's not like an agreed 6 month stay until they can get their own place together is it? I think every other week-end is the only acceptable answer . Meant to ask, does your husband work weekends too? Now that would make it really intolerable.

Its weird that MN is so often a place where women are told not to be martyrs and doormats and to stand up for themselves apart from when it comes to their children.

If you don't want your DC's partners around all the time you are not being a good parent. Really?
If the OP's DP had a really good mate who spent every weekend at the house would we all be cheering that too?

Nah we would be calling him a selfish manchild with no regard for the OP's need for a bit of privacy.

IF you like having a houseful that is great. Not everyone does.
I work in an intense job, I have kids to care for, I spend most of my time making sure the needs of other people are met.
I am not unusual in that. Most of the women on her have lives like that.

So why is it so awful to say that you don't want your DD's bf round every weekend? When do the OPS needs get taken into account.
If you make it a one way street you end up with selfish adult kids who can't see their mother as a person with their own desires.

Can't see how that is a good thing.

At one point I was struggling with having too many social activities at the weekends - not even people living in my house, just visiting. We declared one day a fortnight family day, for just us and our kids. So we weren't free then, just as if we had a prior engagement. We still kind of do this (kids are primary school aged so not the same) and reading this, we are going to keep going. Boyfriend of 2 years isn't family. I don't get the impression you are kicking dd out, just the boyfriend. If they want to live together, fine, but if she's living with you she doesn't get to have constant house guests. She can see boyfriend on a date and go to their own homes after!

I'm glad I have quite a few years to go before I have to worry about this (DDs 8 and 5). I think a compromise is definitely in order. As an adult, OP's DD should be able to cope with that.

Just sounds like you need a break from being mum! Even just one day off lol.

If I was her I'd buy your 7 year old a drum kit

I couldn't handle this either op I like my own space to lounge about and be in my pjs without guests visiting all weekend. Next doors lad has a girlfriend who is literally there all day every day and I don't know how on earth she puts up with it, I would feel like my home was getting invaded. You not unreasonable to what family time away from guests. Well done for giving up the alcohol

Erratic cycle at 43? Mood swings? Sounds like you could be in Peri-Menopause.

They'll ask you all about hot flushes, but tbh I have barely had any. Since being to the GP I am only having a period every 4-6 months the last few times.

I had mood swings, fuzzy brain, SEVERE joint pain, and erratic cycles. I felt warm, but no actual hot flushes.

HRT all the way!