To not want my Daughters boyfriend here every weekend?

[SoCockneyItHurts]

Just that really....he lives about 100 odd miles away from us and he comes to us on a Friday night til Sunday night. DD is 19 and they've been together over 2 years. She will sometimes go to his but they're here more. I'm fed up with it every weekend but feel horrible saying it to her as she takes immediate offence! I'm feeling particularly fed up at the moment anyway which isn't helping. The noise this morning got to me (they were play fighting with DS who is 7) and I lost my temper and told her to "grow up". They've now gone out and I heard her say to her Dad "we're going out as don't want to be in this negative miserable house"!! Or is it me??

Absolutely tell her to grow up if she upset her brother but that's a bit different from you can only stay here 1 out of 2 weekends

She'd be lucky if it was 1 out of 4 weekends if I was OP.

My DD is 19 and I'd have no hesitation in telling her 'no' if she wanted her bf staying here every weekend.

I'm not sure when it became essential to allow your offspring to have GFs/BFs staying over. It seems that way on MN though.

Because people generally put their kids first

Yes. When they're little. Not when they're adults and taking the mick.

Well i am not willing to put the needs of mychildrens before the rest of the household because i dont fancy having selfish adults swanning in and out with boyfriends The op is feeling miserable he is always there do you think that is ok corbyn?

You're not alone. I definitely wouldn't want a house guest to say EVERY weekend. How can you relax properly with somebody who isn't part of the family there every weekend?

I'd be insiting they alternated the weekends or start charging housekeep for every weekend as assuming you're paying to feed him, use your hot water, electricity etc. That would soon make them think twice on being there every weekend.

A bf of over 2 years has a good chance of becoming a son in law/father of your grandchildren so we're hardly talking a casual relationship here.
If you are turfing your child out of their home every other weekend (and that's what youre doing because obviously they want to spend w/ends with a partner of 2 years who lives a distance away) then I don't think that is going to lead to a close relationship when they move out.
Will you be complaining about your kids being there every weekend when you can't get out/need the help when you are older? I doubt it.

It's not unreasonable to want your home to yourself some weekends. That is not unreasonable at all. YWB a bit U when you got angry about playing with your 7 yr old.

However perhaps approach it differently. Talk to your DD, explain that you need some time without company in the house and you expect her to go to his house every third visit or whatever you decide on. Also say that as part of the deal (I'm assuming he doesn't give you any money for all these visits - food, electricity, water, etc) you would like them to babysit your 7 yr old for the whole day one weekend in four. Then you will get a break, some alone time, some time with your DH. Take those opportunities to just chill out, go out a coffee shop, take a long walk. Hopefully you will feel better then as well and it will improve the whole situation.

The short version is don't let them dictate what happens in your own house. If they want the priviledge of staying together most weekends then make it work for you.

Your view is quite insecure corbyn most parents of adult children see them regularly despite not letting partners hang about all weekend i assume the boyfriend has a house they could go to or they could you know move intogether the dd is taking the piss and storming out when she isn't getting her way.

OP I think you're massively getting a hard time here.

Your posts do hint that you are suffering from a persistently low mood which may be depression, possibly caused by hormones or by quitting alcohol. If you are feeling low in general it can make smaller more trivial things such as this seem huge and really get you down. I have suffered with depression and was very irritable; I also desperately wanted my own space. I think it's worth seeing your GP and explaining your low mood.

That being said, at the end of the day it is your home and I don't think it would be unreasonable to explain to your daughter that you're going through a bit of a rough time and that you would appreciate some more space. My parents wouldn't have put up with my boyfriend staying every weekend when I was 19 either.

We have this but with both our sons.
DS (21) has been with his girlfriend for 6 years and DS2 (18) has been with his gf for 2 years.
At first I found it awkward that DS1s gf was here a lot but to be fair he goes to hers a lot as well, same with DS 2
However we are all used to each other now and I don't mind. It's a happy lively home. If we stop in during the evening we just change into our joggers and t shirts and snuggle up on the settee sometimes they will join us for a natter and then go into one of the other rooms to watch a film.
I think it is the boys home as much it is mine and I want them and their girlfriends and friends to be welcome here.

I do see them as part of the family as we take them on holiday and take them out for meals as well as go to sporting events and the theatre, gigs and movies together.

Sometimes they get noisy, especially if other friends have joined them but we are comfortable enough to shout up something like ' oi, you lot, keep it down'

I also know it won't last forever and our busy, happy house will one day quieten down when they move out and do their own thing.

I think low mood is a side effect of giving up alcohol. My DS' ex girlfriend used to stay with us some weekends but they stayed in DS bedroom and you would rarely see them.

I would hate to have anyone staying over every single weekend.

If your DD stomps around I would tell her that if she ever reacts like that again her boyfriend won't be staying over. It is unacceptable for a 19 year old to behave like that.

I hope you start to feel better soon. A trip to the doctor would be a good idea.

I dont think YABU to not want him there every weekend but I dont think your DD is BU either (assuming they both help out etc and you are not being a skivvy). Im 22 so only a little older than your DD, and most people my age who still live at home have their BF/GF over quite a lot. When I lived at home I would view my bf as family and forget that they weren't to my mum and dad. I would just sit down and have a very honest chat with your DD, tell her how you feel. Don't make it seem like a rule, she is an adult and capable of understanding your feelings, providing you tell her though. Maybe suggest every other weekend? And they take your DS out to the park cinema or something?
I am slightly confused why you feel you can have sex with your DD in her bedroom but not with her BF, it is the same bedroom? And I would visit your GP about how you have been feeling, that is a separate issue though really but you know you and I think to me it seems you know something is up with your mental health

Clearly the disliked MILs and all the threads about them on here are a figment of my imagination....

At first I found it awkward that DS1s gf was here a lot but to be fair he goes to hers a lot as well, same with DS 2

And there is lies the difference between your situation and the OPs - her daughter an her boyfriend don't go to his house a lot.

Do you think dislikedMil threads are anything to do with allowing children to take the piss about boyfriends staying ?

I have never wanted to house-share. I love my DC but when they became adult I was more than happy that they wanted to move into their own homes.

And I still see them/speak to them several times a week.

I have had them + partner move back briefly in between homes. It was lovely when they moved back out

I agree with you OP its your house and if you want your space thats fair enough. Also I presume hes not paying for anything either?
Why not suggest that he just stays once every 3 weeks or every other week and that your daughter stays at his parents sometimes to make things fairer?
I'd just explain to her that you are feeling under the weather and you need to relax in privacy in your own home.I'm sure most people would understand that.

At first I found it awkward that DS1s gf was here a lot but to be fair he goes to hers a lot as well, same with DS 2

And there is lies the difference between your situation and the OPs - her daughter an her boyfriend don't go to his house a lot.

Yes I guess but I should have added that there is ALWAYS one of the GF here. DS2 goes to his gf parents in the weeks and she is here at weekends. DS 2 usually has gf here mid week and he often goes there at the weekend.
However everyone is here at the moment!!

I don't think sharing expierence stuff is having a go at OP, just showing different perspectives, coping strategies etc. As I said I know mine won't be here for ever and to be honest, you never know what's around the corner ( good and bad) so I like to have family close by and happy.

I'm not sure why OP can't say,' Oi you two , bugger off for the weekend'. ( go camping, go for a city break , anything) mine often go to Edinburgh for a weekend and book a cheap break in a Premier Inn or something if it gets too much.

If they get lippy a short rebuke won't kill them!

I think the notion of looking after the 7 year old say once a month and therefore allowing the OP a break is a good one.

It's not you. It would drive me nuts too. Every other weekend I could stick, but not every weekend. And it must be quite expensive too. Does anyone ever cook you a Sunday roast, like you do them?

100% of them are about poor relationships with mothers of partners for various reasons. Not feeling welcomed by them is a recurring theme.

DD has been with her boyfriend for two years, he's lovely and he's welcome here whenever he wants. I would prefer it not to be every weekend but I wouldn't have a massive problem if it was.

I understand OP. Could it be possible that your daughter go to his alternate weekends?

As for others moaning at OP saying it's her, you may be forgetting that perhaps she has to make an extra dinner, spend more on food, water bills, little things like that do add up.

On the other hand he does sound nice joining in playing with your DS, perhaps just say to your daughter to keep it down a tad.

I'm not sure why OP can't say,' Oi you two , bugger off for the weekend'. ( go camping, go for a city break , anything) mine often go to Edinburgh for a weekend and book a cheap break in a Premier Inn or something if it gets too much.

If they get lippy a short rebuke won't kill them!

I also agree with this if they aren't able to stay at his parents.

Nothing to do with them having a sex life, but my home is my little safety bolt where I can fart, scratch, lay in pyjamas all weekend if I choose to. I wouldn't want to do that with him around.

Yes this too. Sorry for multiple posts I have Aspergers and can't get out the words correctly like you guys can.