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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my Daughters boyfriend here every weekend?

235 replies

SoCockneyItHurts · 01/10/2017 09:18

Just that really....he lives about 100 odd miles away from us and he comes to us on a Friday night til Sunday night. DD is 19 and they've been together over 2 years. She will sometimes go to his but they're here more. I'm fed up with it every weekend but feel horrible saying it to her as she takes immediate offence! I'm feeling particularly fed up at the moment anyway which isn't helping. The noise this morning got to me (they were play fighting with DS who is 7) and I lost my temper and told her to "grow up". They've now gone out and I heard her say to her Dad "we're going out as don't want to be in this negative miserable house"!! Or is it me??

OP posts:

BeerBaby · 01/10/2017 10:04

I would get fed up if it was every weekend as well. I know it's lovely for her and I hope they make their own meals and look after themselves but I agree. Sometimes I just want some space and Friday to Sunday every weekend can become overwhelming when you need peace.

However where else can they go?

Oldie2017 · 01/10/2017 10:05

Alternate weeks might be a good idea. None of mine had proper boyfriend or girl friend until a lot older actually and nor did I. I don't know why that is in our family. Perhaps we are just late developers.

Giggorata · 01/10/2017 10:07

I don't blame you feeling the need for some peace and you have got built in babysitters for your 7 year old!
How about making a deal with DD & BF that they babysit alternate weekends, so you can have either a day or evening out with DH?

sandgrown · 01/10/2017 10:08

Not sure if it's relevant but every so often DP gives up drinking and suffers massive withdrawal symptoms which include foul temper and lack of interest in doing anything. It does pass after a while but then he he starts again! I had DSS and his partner with us full time for three years and it did get to me sometimes but I missed them when they left .

Original poster

SoCockneyItHurts · 01/10/2017 10:09

Thank you again. Just to clarify I wouldn't go docs because of my daughter making noise or not wanting her boyfriend over. I work for the NHS do see daily the nonsense people present themselves to the GP with. It's the fact that I feel no joy for anything lately as a pp posted that's all....I have a history of depression and probably used wine way too much to self medicate and now I no longer do that I am feeling things and becoming a person I don't recognise.

OP posts:

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 01/10/2017 10:10

I think you're being a bit unfair unless you actually want your daughter move out which is fair enough, I moved out around that age partly because my parents didn't like having people round and it made me awkward.
I think after 2 years I'd consider him part of the family and be glad I knew where they were etc though. Is there a reason she doesn't go to his at weekends instead?

LagunaBubbles · 01/10/2017 10:12

People criticising the see your GP posts are missing the point - it's nothing to do with being irritated by DDs boyfriend staying but the apparent low mood, and lack of pleasure in something that should be pleasurable. She wouldn't even have to mention DDs boyfriend to GP.

Original poster

SoCockneyItHurts · 01/10/2017 10:12

They can go to his house and used to quite regularly. But I think they prefer it here which is nice but not every weekend! It's just she takes things to heart and I don't want to upset her anymore. DH has no issue with it at all.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 01/10/2017 10:12

YANBU- I wouldn't like this either

ssd · 01/10/2017 10:13

well unless your GP can build you a new extension I wouldnt bother with him, what will he say, he's some antidepressants cos you want a bit of peace to yourself?

this would drive me nuts, your house isn't your own when someone else is in it, that's fine for a visit or a night but every weekend, jesus christ so wonder you're fed up.

you need to put your foot down, simple as that.

ssd · 01/10/2017 10:14

dh has no issue with it at all, I take it he's not the one shopping for the food, cooking it for them and cleaning up the mess??

LagunaBubbles · 01/10/2017 10:15

OP there is a distinct lack of understanding about mental health issues in some posters on MN, it does sound as if a visit to your GP would be useful. Are you currently on anti-depressants? Self medicating with alcohol is very common. Thats not to say this issue shouldn't annoy you but if you are depressed your tolerance levels may well be reduced.

ssd · 01/10/2017 10:17

since when was a day with all the family something that should be pleasurable?

sometimes all we want is a bit of peace, especially if we're not feeling great and to be told you should be loving this makes it worse

there's a lot of presumptuous shit talked on mn

LagunaBubbles · 01/10/2017 10:18

I'm wondering what some people's experiences of having older teenage children in the house to is, my DS and his girlfriend deal with all their own food etc. They spend all their time in his bedroom to so hardly see them.

widowtocricket · 01/10/2017 10:19

My children are younger so I'm not where you are at the moment, but I'd like to think that I would prefer my child & their partner staying my house then her being away from me every weekend. However I reserve the right to change my mind

I've recently been really down. I also have a history of depression, but I've been in ahold place for a number of year now. I reached a stage where everything was getting me down & I just couldn't find a happy place. I went and got some antidepressants & I cannot believe the change in me. I feel buoyant. My problems haven't changed but I feel much more able to cope with them.

It's hard not getting time together. I work shifts so I'm always tired. Maybe if your daughter is there all the time you could ask her to look after your little one & go out with your husband for a date? I can't do evening dates these days because I'm so tired. But I really enjoy any afternoon date. Late lunch & A walk plus maybe a drink in the pub. As long as I don't have to cook dinner & so bed time I feel like it's a real treat & some proper adult time.

Schmoopy · 01/10/2017 10:20

Book yourself into a B&B for the night/weekend.

Honestly, the peace and quiet, and change of scenery can do wonders for your mental health.

You could even take the 7 year old with you, sit in bed watching films, go for breakfast, a bit of a wander round...

LagunaBubbles · 01/10/2017 10:21

SSD it's not "presumptuous shit" thanks, it was very clear reading between the lines there something else was going on, and the OP has now said she has a history of depression which she has been self medicating with the use of alcohol, which she has now stopped.

hellsbells99 · 01/10/2017 10:22

I have a 19 and 20 year old and get how you feel. But I also want them to feel this is their home. Over the summer the elder one had her boyfriend staying some of the time - he is lovely but you don't feel as relaxed. They have both just gone back to uni so the house is suddenly quiet - and I don't know which is worse!
I know someone has mentioned hormones and someone else has said that is patronising, but it is worth getting them checked. A couple of years ago I felt like the 'dementors' had sucked all the joy from me and I was really down. After blood tests, I now take HRT and the change to the way I feel has been amazing.

Original poster

SoCockneyItHurts · 01/10/2017 10:29

Thanks again! I too am wondering if it's hormones.....I'm 43 so may be a tad early for menopause but cycle has become irregular plus I have underactive thyroid which can cause early menopause or could be peri-menopause? Whatever it is I'm not liking it so could be worth getting bloods checked. I'm erring more towards the fact that I'm just a miserable cow though lol!

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2017 10:30

Why do they prefer being at your house OP? Do they have less chores/less house rules at yours or do they simply like you better?
They need to carve it up a bit more evenly so that you can have some assured time to yourself.

I've had very many friends and partners staying with my kids over the years and I'm someone who likes my privacy. However we had very clear house rules - someone coming regularly had to muck in with the family and share with help/clearing up etc.

We also had space for them to use one living room and us another which helped immeasurably. As a result I loved having them but without those rules and space it would have been more difficult.

You are entirely not unreasonable to want some privacy and space at times.

If you are struggling to enjoy life generally then you may need to see your GP but not because of the house visitors but because you have a history and are feeling so down.

You may also find a bit of moral support in some of the 'dry month' type threads here or on other forums.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/10/2017 10:32

Yanbu I would feel exactly the same. You need some peace, quiet and space. You also don't need a non family member in your home every, single weekend. I expect this isn't helping your mental health.

I think you need to tell dd that every other weekend is lovely, but not every weekend.

19lottie82 · 01/10/2017 10:33

God, the OP is entitled to feel comfortable and relaxed in her own home! Some people can't do that when visitors are there.

Tell your DD he can stay every other weekend, problem solved.

kateandme · 01/10/2017 10:33

whats your room like cockney. do you justhave a room or space to go out to by yourself.or a park.church etc.somewhere to breathe when it gets like this?
have you talked to daughter.possibly she might be able to help with how your feeling.
if you are depressed it can make everything either seem huge or something its not and all bog you down.
what about doing something for your.coudk you go seek some help.
or do some other social stuff so home isn't such a safe zone being invaded as you do your own lovely stuff both in and out of home?
does anyone know how your feeling.it doesn't have to be chat about the sister bf to some might seem UR but not if you tell about the sadness and low mood.it can make everything seem so close to the surface and triggering.
think on what your (sorry to be a soppy talker here)but what your inner heart is wanting or needing.the irritations and anger are always an outer reaction to whats happening inside.sensation are only coming from reating.whether it be via how your feeling or how your body is.its telling you something needs help.
take care.xx

19lottie82 · 01/10/2017 10:33

X post with woods

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/10/2017 10:34

No, you aren't just a miserable cow. Lots of posters have said they wouldn't like this arrangement.

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