Aibu financial support to step daughter

[Craftylittlething]

Just had a rather heated debate with my dh, sd has recently started a nursing degree and asked for our support. We agreed to give her some money every month £100. I just discovered that between bursary and wages from part time job she brings home around £700 a month. She lives with her mum so no rent or outgoings other than a brand new car. I think she's taking the piss as she will have more spending money in a month than I do. Aibu?

YANBU he should offer to save £100 per month for her instead to save towards something needed later to not rock the boat too much.

I'd just be very grateful that, since she's living at her mum's, your DH is luckily only having to contribute such a tiny amount for her to get a degree and a steady job.

£100 isn't much, is it.

Ok so if she is living rent and bill free at her mums then her mum Is out at least £100 a month keeping her. Maybe she thinks her dad should offer a similar level of support.

I thought they'd stopped nurse bursaries?

YABU. It is normal to give something to help a student DC, if you can afford it. £100 is not that much, can you really not spare it?

I did think, though, that nursing students were too busy on placements to have other part time jobs. As the course gets more demanding she may need to think about giving up her job. She could save what your DP gives her, in case that happens.

£100 a month is actually quite a lot to us, hence the heated exchange. I think the suggestion of putting some money away for her is a great idea. I just don't see why we should give her cash so that she can be better off than I am. For what it's worth we supported her mother long after she left school and she's 23 now.

You supported her mother?

If it puts you financially in trouble then of course YANBU, but if you can afford it, why would you not want to help her? She is your DH's child.

Maybe see it as an investment in helping her establish a future? Help her save for her own place etc.

Is that the point of being a parent. To create a future for your kids thats better than your present?

I seriously doubt she'll have a part time job for much longer. 37 hours a week placement with travel up to 60 miles on top + study time.

YABU to argue after you agreed.

*isn't

I agree with you!

We only have £400 a month left after bills to buy everything else, including food!

Can't really see why a student can't live off £700 a month!

£100 is a lot of money! Plus at 23, she's a grown adult!

She wasn't entirely honest about how much she would have coming in, I was lead to believe the bursary was maybe £250/£300pcm in which case I was absolutely happy to help her out. Between that and her job it's a lot more, her older sister works, pays a mortgage, bills etc and has less "spare cash in a month". Yes we supported her mother for a year or so after she left school (paid half the mortgage) and didn't have a job because I understand how it is to bring up children alone.

You did NOT support her mother!! That is vvv U!

Yes we supported her mother for a year or so after she left school (paid half the mortgage) and didn't have a job because I understand how it is to bring up children alone.

Surely you supported your husbands children to have a roof over their heads! Or are you saying that on your very limited income where £100 a month to your step daughter is a struggle that you provided the entire income for their household of his ex wife and two daughters? On £100 a month??

WE supported her mother. We contributed to her mortgage as we thought it was the fair thing to do when sd wasn't working.

She's an adult and you don't owe her anything.

I thought they'd ended bursaries as well but whether or not that's where some of the £700 a month is coming from, it's a lot of money. And even if it wasn't, it's her decision to fund this degree at this time in her life, no one else's, and you're not obliged to give her anything.

She's 23, not 13 ffs.

sonic, it's not up to her dad to give her financial support unless he wants to and it's up to her mum to put a roof over her head if she so wishes. It's on her, she's not doing OPs DH a favour. Don't be daft.

I assume you're going to say the DH was solely supporting DD and not her mother nocry? Well we don't know do we. She might have been getting spousal maintenance. And even if it was child support, he didn't owe her that once DD turned 18 so anything extra was a vibe bonus, not an obligation.

OP, you're a step parent. You're probably going to get slated. Sorry, that's just how it often is round here.

The DD is an adult. If you're able to help her out without screwing yourselves financially then that's nice of you. If she's happy to take your money leaving you both short while she has more disposable income than you do, she wants to grow up a bit and take responsibility for her life and her decisions.

Again, if her mum wants an adult lodger who costs a fortune, good for her. But it's no one else's job to subsidise the decision.

So for the first year after SD left school when her mother stopped receiving CB and tax credits you contributed towards the mortgage of the home your SD lived in. You didn't support her mother. You supported SD.

X post. You've gone above and beyond helping towards this woman's mortgage.

Anything you choose to give this 23 YEAR OLD ADULT WOMAN is nice of you. But it sounds like she's been lying about her financial situation which isn't very nice or very grown up.

What if she becomes a perpetual student and doesn't want to support herself financially in 5 years time? Does DH think it's fair to keep funnelling her cash while her sister stands on her own two feet?

Why shouldn't he help her? She didn't stop being his daughter when she turned 18. And most parents with children at uni help them.
If £100 is too much, what about suggesting a lower amount?

£700 should be enough. She needs to learn to budget.

There are no bursaries for nursing students unless she deferred from last year, which you've not said in your OP.

So you may have misunderstood and she's just getting student loans which she will have to pay back ?

More than possible to work a part time job and do a nursing degree. I know this first hand as my sister did and her student nurse friends also did.

It seems unfair that sd has more disposable then yourself. In my experiance as a sp the kids always get what they want and its impossible to agree 100% of the time with dh so maybe you cpuld just give yourself an extra £100 a month then it would be equal and sd will be ok to

We are in Scotland, the nursing bursary still exists here. I appreciate the balanced response, this isn't about her being my step daughter. I just think an adult woman should be able to manage on £700 a month with no rent or bills to pay. She has a brand new car, my student days were a bit more frugal.