Aibu financial support to step daughter

[Craftylittlething]

Just had a rather heated debate with my dh, sd has recently started a nursing degree and asked for our support. We agreed to give her some money every month £100. I just discovered that between bursary and wages from part time job she brings home around £700 a month. She lives with her mum so no rent or outgoings other than a brand new car. I think she's taking the piss as she will have more spending money in a month than I do. Aibu?

I know you say she has no bills, but what about car costs like petrol and insurance, which can be hefty! She probably eats in the cafeteria too, as well as having to wear items of clothing in addition to the uniform. I'm sure she needs to socialise, too. On top, there could be student loans she has to pay out for too. She might also have some other bits to shell out for, too. A hundred quid sounds very modest when you look at it like that.

If the father wishes to contribute to his adult daughter with a large disposable income, then he should do it out of 'his' money, not joint finances. The OP should not be expected to contribute half to an adult who doesn't need the money

Juliecorrigan . I would like to eat in my work-place restaurant. I would like a brand new car. I would also like spare money with which to socialise.
I would also like my mother to subsidise my housing (even though I know she struggled to pay the mortgage without her ex husband and wife helping) .
But guess what ? I don't do those things. Because I can't afford them ! I take sandwiches . I use public transport and I don't socialise if I can't afford it. !!

As for the OP contributing family money to enhance a lifestyle that would be more opulent than the OP . It is bonkers.

Our three at uni have loans. They live on loans and part time work. One also doing medical degree so has shifts. Still has a job !

Giving her more money just teaches her to put her hand out and be more entitled. It's not doing her a favour.

I hate this notion on MN that once your DC get to adulthood that's it you should withdraw all support and leave them on their own. IMO you'd have to be a special kind of cunt to do that.

What an obnoxious post. ! I am counting the minutes until we no longer have to support them. We have seven. Three currently at Uni. Three are mine. Four are DHs . 2 live with their DM (so that's cm currently)and two sdc with us . (1 at Uni)
We pay (and have paid) until they finish school. Then they look after themselves . We provide a subsidised home in the holidays. They work. They all know the deal.
They travel, take gap years. Learn to drive. All paid for by themselves. From money they earn. They know the value of it. I am proud to have bought up a bunch of self sufficient, independent wonderful , kind thoughtful teenagers who are now ADULTS. Who wouldn't want to sponge if their parents in their 20s.
They definitely don't regard DH and I as 'cunts'. !

Each family must take their own decisions. Our parents supported us at university and post grad. I think they helped my siblings buy their first properties a bit (I was married so in a different situation when I first bought at 22). I have always wanted fully to support our 5 at university without any debt or loans just as my parents did for us all and so far that is working fine (twins just went to university this term). I am lucky that I work full time and can afford to do that. They will stay here in university holidays too and probably live back home after university (their sisters came back here after university to do two years of law school in London which I thought a career scheme well worth supporting). Lots of parents don't want to or cannot give much support once children are at university age. Mine have also had some jobs at university - bit of bar work, one worked abroad in some summers in a holiday resort, one worked at stables and did some catering work but not much in term time due to studies.

I don't regard it as sponging to pay university fees and rent as my parents did the same (I didn't really get much of a grant in my day £50 a year when the full grant was £900 and then I had a post grad year too). The biggest difference between my parents and me has been that I hvae funded the older children more substantially in a first property purchase and that is because I can afford it and secondly SE house prices are high and thirdly I would rather they had the money than 40% goes to the state in inheritance tax in 30 years' time when I die and they might as well have a bit of money now for a sensible thing like housing (it is not being spent on cocaine).

Can you DH just have an open and frank talk with his daughter about finances? It doesn't have to be so combative. This is his DD and he may just want to help her regardless so perhaps it could just be a token amount to cover books or something.

She's 23. She's an adult. She can support herself.

I hate this notion on MN that once your DC get to adulthood that's it you should withdraw all support and leave them on their own. IMO you'd have to be a special kind of cunt to do that.
At 23 you haven't just got to adulthood, good grief where do you draw the line. Maybe it takes a special kind of c**t to want to be a drain on your parents at the age of 23.

Bad language aside, I've been fortunate as an adult to occasionally be helped financially by my Mum, my DH also has had (and still has) financial help.
Once my Mum retired, she struggled financially, but by this time I was able to help her.
I'm happy to give some support to our kids if they need it - the older kids are making their own way in the world and doing ok, but I reckon knowing there's a bit of a safety net if needed is no bad thing for them.
Financial karma maybe..