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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu financial support to step daughter

159 replies

Craftylittlething · 30/09/2017 22:31

Just had a rather heated debate with my dh, sd has recently started a nursing degree and asked for our support. We agreed to give her some money every month £100. I just discovered that between bursary and wages from part time job she brings home around £700 a month. She lives with her mum so no rent or outgoings other than a brand new car. I think she's taking the piss as she will have more spending money in a month than I do. Aibu?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 30/09/2017 23:16

£100 isn't that much per month to contribute to a student daughter. But I can see why you're annoyed that she has more money spare than you. Don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. But children shouldn't lose out because their parents have separated.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 30/09/2017 23:16

Perhaps you could give £50 directly to her mum to cover some of her living costs. That way her mum isn't supporting her all alone and SD isn't getting the money herself to spend on whatever.

LadyLapsang · 30/09/2017 23:27

If your DH has stopped paying his ex wife any money then surely she alone would be financially supporting DSD, probably from a lower income than you and your DH. Most parents would think they had lucked out if they were only giving their children £100 pm while they are at uni.

lozzylizzy · 30/09/2017 23:28

at 23 I had my own mortgage! YANBU! btw I am 32.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 30/09/2017 23:31

I'm in two minds about this. Its nice your husband can help her and if he is just using his own money then fair enough, he can give it to her as he likes.

However, this is stuck in my mind...

so that she can be better off than I am
she will have more spending money in a month than I do

You seem jealous of her.

LadyLapsang · 30/09/2017 23:35

Why is your income so low that you don't have more than a young student? Could you develop your career?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/09/2017 23:38

She's living with her Mum & has a bursary, without the job she shouldn't need extra cash. She's 23, not 18.

Did she have the new car when you agreed to give her the money and if so, why did you agree to it?

She shouldn't be taking money off of you if it leaves you worse off than she is!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/09/2017 23:40

LadyLapsang. Retract your flaws. It's none of your business.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/09/2017 23:41

Bloody iPad CLAWS. Though you are showing your flaws...

Silver47 · 30/09/2017 23:42

it is irrelevant whather you have more or less than her, your DH has a duty to support her through her education.

Welldoneme · 30/09/2017 23:43

I would certainly pay £100 towards her studies.
Yabu

Viviennemary · 30/09/2017 23:44

The OP doesn't have to be on a very low household income to have less spare money than her DSD. The DSD has £700 per month with hardly any outgoings and lives rent free. Not sure how much she contributes towards food but it still leaves her with more spends than most adults. She is 23 and not 18 as others have pointed out. And has a brand new car. I am thinking the OP has a point. It's not a question of being jealous.

WaveWash · 30/09/2017 23:45

YANBU

I'd say exactly the same if it was your own daughter.

lalalalyra · 30/09/2017 23:51

Is she going to be able to keep the part time job while she studies?

ALittleMop · 30/09/2017 23:55

YANBU - she's 23, a grown adult who has presumably been supported this far?

And it sounds like you cannot afford it tbh

OllyBJolly · 01/10/2017 00:00

Yes we supported her mother for a year or so after she left school (paid half the mortgage)

I'm guessing this is completely wrong and perhaps you contributed half the mortgage payments for a limited time, which is not half the mortgage. And it was for your partner's children's home, not his XW.

Is this the real issue and you're picking on the DD? Most parents will support DCs in FT education. The DD's mother is by offering bed and board.

NewLove · 01/10/2017 00:02

Hospital accommodation where I work is £340-380 a month and includes all bills and bedding laundered weekly. For £800 a month there isn't really any need for her to be living at her mums other than to have £800 as spending money rather than bills money

TheCometAndLittleLegend · 01/10/2017 00:03

She is 23, way past the point of being a child.

Time to stand on her own 2 feet, sell the ridiculous new car and live within her means. No wonder you had a row.

Mittens1969 · 01/10/2017 00:06

Yes, SpareChangeDownTheSofa, I noticed that comment too, about the SD having more money than the OP if her DF paid £100 per month. It does sound like jealousy to me as well.

ALittleMop · 01/10/2017 00:06

Will most parents support DCs in FT education, if they 1. can't afford it 2. they are 23 (not 18) 3. they don't need it?

If my adult child had £700 disposable income I wouldn't be giving them more spending money. I might be saving for them, if it was something I could afford.

NewLove · 01/10/2017 00:24

I noticed that comment too, about the SD having more money than the OP if her DF paid £100 per month.

I saw it more as a frame of reference to how much the household income was....

ButchyRestingFace · 01/10/2017 00:29

Does your username refer to your SD, OP? Confused

stargazer2030 · 01/10/2017 00:33

YANBU. If you are struggling to pay that and she gets £700 per month then stop paying it. That is more than enough to live on.
After supporting 3 kids through uni I know the financial strains it imposes and how hard it is.

Dustbunny1900 · 01/10/2017 00:37

Why not offer her help budgeting instead. If you're going to give financial help, maybe reimburse her mother for food or utility expenses.
It will do her far more good to learn now (at 23 probably should have been learned already) to budget and make her own way and maybe either live more frugally or come up with a way to get the 100 per month herself if she really needs it.

FlowerPot1234 · 01/10/2017 00:51

If she can afford a brand new car, she can support herself. I presume she's an adult? Hang on, I've just read.. she's 23 years old?

Good grief, she should be supporting herself 100% by now. No, you should not be paying a penny to this adult.

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