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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu financial support to step daughter

159 replies

Craftylittlething · 30/09/2017 22:31

Just had a rather heated debate with my dh, sd has recently started a nursing degree and asked for our support. We agreed to give her some money every month £100. I just discovered that between bursary and wages from part time job she brings home around £700 a month. She lives with her mum so no rent or outgoings other than a brand new car. I think she's taking the piss as she will have more spending money in a month than I do. Aibu?

OP posts:
StefMay · 01/10/2017 13:45

OP - is the £700/mth really all hers or will her mum ask her to pay for her keep? Will she have car lease bills, car insurance, fuel, hospital parking bills to pay? These all add up quickly.

I was kicked out aged 20 and survived on £68/week. This paid for rent/bus to college/books /food - just about. If I'd had an extra £100 this would have been fab. I walked everywhere but if she is doing night shifts you;d want her safe by using her car to get to/from her placement.

If her net amount to play with after bills etc is £700 then she does NOT need another £100. But if she has loads of bills then why not suggest you pay a bill directly instead so you know it is not being p*ssed up a wall somewhere!

Her net income should not be more than yours each month because you gave her your money - that's just ridiculous. She's an adult.

Original poster
Craftylittlething · 01/10/2017 13:56

Bursary is just short of £600, she works four hours in a shop giving her the extra £100 after car and travel are paid (grandparents paid insurance in full) it would leave £440 to play with. Responses on here are fascinating, she must have been dealing with a depressed drinking mother, I should earn more money etc. I think budgeting skills and some advice on honesty are more what's required to support her.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 01/10/2017 13:58

Thinking about what her £700 pm has to cover:

Rent & contribution to utilities, household insurance;
Contribution to council tax unless her mother has a new partner, otherwise that will be an extra 25% cost to the household;
Contribution to food / household shopping at home;
Food and drink at college;
Mobile phone;
Transport - to uni and hospital and community placements;
Work clothes - shoes, tights / stockings (you go through a lot if you are wearing a uniform dress);
Clothes & shoes;
Course books, stationary, equipment (stethoscope, uniform watch etc.);
Student membership of professional body;
Haircuts etc;
Gifts for family and friends; and
Leisure.

I expect you will say her mother pays for a lot of these things. If that is the case your DH is causing her mother a financial problem by not paying contributing.

Goshthatwentwell · 01/10/2017 13:58

Surely the best financial help you can give adult child, is something specific. Paying for them to learn to drive, money for a car, living at home etc. If she needed £100 a month to pay a bill fair enough.

Just bungling her £100 a month for the sake of it is silly.

SpareASquare · 01/10/2017 13:59

100 per month is getting off lightly.
I have adult children. The one in education gets different support than the ones not. Sure, she's an adult but I'd happily help out with that amount of money each month.
Mine are fully self sufficient but still have my 'support' as such with housing, food, internet etc. If my studying child did not live with me, I would still contribute.

StefMay · 01/10/2017 14:03

Thanks, Crafty
I would expect her mum will want her to contribute something? Or perhaps she will need to buy her lunch daily?
I'm just playing devil's advocate here. A nursing degree is tough. She will be working long shifts and probably buying easy to access food. I cannot imagine she will be out clubbing much and she will need feminine hygiene items etc. She may have to give up part time job as shift patterns are not fixed in each placement.

I would give the £100 directly to her mum each month to go towards food and bills. It may feel like you are supporting her mum but actually, you are supporting the SD indirectly. Her mum is already giving up loads by having her at home when she is an adult.

As long as you are not financially destitute giving this £100 I would.
All the best.

HelloSquirrels · 01/10/2017 14:09

I expect you will say her mother pays for a lot of these things. If that is the case your DH is causing her mother a financial problem by not paying contributing

No he isn't - her mother is causing her own problem by not asking. The agreement between mother and daughter is shite all to do with op or her husband.

Shinesweetfreedom · 01/10/2017 14:10

It's his daughter.He can do what he likes.
If you don't want a partner with a child don't get involved with one.
If he has got a child of course she comes first.Blood before water.

HelloSquirrels · 01/10/2017 14:12

shine it doesn't work like that if you've got joint finances. Kids or not he can't just do what he likes.

I don't think this has got anything to do with op not wanting to be involved with someone with kids either Hmm

tomatopuree · 01/10/2017 14:14

I’m a student nurse and a mum of a 21 year old who is moved out and independent so I’m torn.

The bursary is not a massssive amount. I’m drowning in reading for uni. Already have exams pencilled in. I work for myself and have a toddler too.

£100 a month isn’t a lot of money. As someone says it will pay her lunch at uni or placement.

The expectation of 4 x12 hour shifts on placement means I struggle to work. I’m impressed others work so much on this course.. one or two shifts a week in a care home isn’t really enough to pay for much...

Do you want her to do well? It’s a 3 year course. It’s not forever.

I think this is for her dad to call. If he wants to support her in a degree where she will be working hard with no room for slacking I don’t think it’s such a hard thing to ask.

I appreciate your view though. But it’s not forever

Jenna43 · 01/10/2017 16:33

This is absolutely ridiculous. I was still living at home at 23, earning much less than your DSD and I gave my mother money towards bills, food etc. Your DSD should be giving her mother something towards her keep, she's an adult now.

LittleBooInABox · 01/10/2017 16:40

Yanbu I supported myself through my education and still do. She's an adult and needs to learn to support herself. Of course if she's desperate but she isn't. Put the money away as savings.

MistressDeeCee · 01/10/2017 17:56

I agree with you Shine. At least he wants to make his DDs life easier - why shouldn't he? So what if she's grown up? She is still young. I read on here of adults moaning that they've had a paid holiday from in-laws and its not fun, in-laws paid for bday meals its not their kind of thing etc. Seems its cool for grown adults to accept money when it suits, but the minute someone mentions a young woman in her 20s its an issue. She is not a stranger she is a child of the family. As for the comments about her mum! Meeeow...

I don't know why some women bother themselves marrying men who already have children. Honestly. If you're going to be over his shoulder peering at what he gives then you are only going to torment your own soul. Because his way of dealing with family may not be yours.

OP if you think based on your thoughts and arguing with him, and opinions of the "NO! She's an adult withdraw the funds" crew is going to change her dad's mind I suspect you are in line for a very rude awakening. Even if he withdrew funds do you think peace would descend? Perhaps you'd find something else to complain about. It sounds as if you dislike his DD and ex.

It does no good to watch other people's income and begrudge them having more than you. There will always be someone with more. Bettere not to keep looking. Get on with your life

She's at Uni for 3/4 years apparently? Its not 10 years is it, Im sure you will manage.

HelloSquirrels · 01/10/2017 17:58

It does no good to watch other people's income and begrudge them having more than you

But it is ops income.....

MistressDeeCee · 01/10/2017 18:04

Its family income.

ALittleMop · 01/10/2017 18:12

But she doesn't need the money! She's living rent and bills free and has £700 disposable income.
There are working families who have much less than that, presumably including the OP's own. If she was paying rent, or supporting a child and needing help to get by (like tomato puree that would be entirely different). I'd save it - or portion of it for when she's setting out on her own.

HelloSquirrels · 01/10/2017 18:18

Yes and op is part of that family and earns part of that money so she gets a say.

A 23 year old who doesn't live there and already has an income does not get a say.

onlyindreams · 01/10/2017 18:22

I dont see why a 23 year old should be supported at all.

MistressDeeCee · 01/10/2017 18:25

She does not appear to be asking for a say. She is not "a 23 year old who doesn't live there" to her father. People can encourage OP to continue the arguments all they like - but if he wants to help his daughter - who he clearly won't see as 'a 23 year old who doesn't live there' - then he will. Her parents are supporting her so she is having an easy enough time of it for now. This does not mean it will be easy for her forever. Nothing here says she will be given an allowance forever

As it is, OP will not come first. Despite flogging a dead horse unto hell

HelloSquirrels · 01/10/2017 18:55

But he can't just do that if it's joint money..

TheFairyCaravan · 01/10/2017 19:02

I hate this notion on MN that once your DC get to adulthood that's it you should withdraw all support and leave them on their own. IMO you'd have to be a special kind of cunt to do that.

We've got an almost 23yo. He's been financially independent for just over 3 years. He's excellent at budgeting and has savings. When he's at home for weeks at a time we don't expect him to contribute. If he said to DH and I tonight that he was going to give up his job and go to uni next year but he'd need £100 a month to help him out, we wouldn't even need a discussion.

Student Finance England expect you to support your children until they are 25 if they haven't been financially dependent for at least 3 years, so I would think we'd got off bloody lightly.

sweetbitter · 01/10/2017 19:11

For me it's about the specifics of this case, not what's generally right/wrong re supporting adult children.

OPs DSD has £700 disposable income per month and no rent/bills. Giving her £100 per month leaves OP herself with less disposable income than her DSD. It seems silly.

Much better to either put some money in savings for her each month, or offer a contribution to her mum for rent/bills. And reassess the situation along the way if she needs to give up her part time job or move out of her mum's or whatever.

HelloSquirrels · 01/10/2017 19:13

It's not that you should stop all financial help but it doesn't seem like op and her dh have this money to give?

Also you do have to consider that this is not ops child either so whilst you might not have to have a conversation this is different. Also your child is great with money - that's great but maybe that's not the case for dsd?

What do student finance suggest if you haven't got the money to throw at your adult child?

Whinesalot · 01/10/2017 19:30

I'd happily support Dc in their further study but this particular student doesn't actually need it.
This case needs to be looked at specifically rather than generally like a lot of you are doing.
Far better to save that money for a house deposit or something for her later - or give it to her mum if she needs it.

Witsender · 01/10/2017 19:33

The DD has 440 disposable income according to last post.

I would consider giving some to the mother as a form of maintenance to support her supporting their child perhaps, it isn't unreasonable to still be supporting her in some way