Aibu financial support to step daughter

[Craftylittlething]

Just had a rather heated debate with my dh, sd has recently started a nursing degree and asked for our support. We agreed to give her some money every month £100. I just discovered that between bursary and wages from part time job she brings home around £700 a month. She lives with her mum so no rent or outgoings other than a brand new car. I think she's taking the piss as she will have more spending money in a month than I do. Aibu?

Child maintenance is different, cosyfires. I agree, there is, in England at least, the possibility of using the courts to obtain money for higher education costs.

So KungFu your adult children will be on their own? You won't ever help with uni costs, house deposits, legal fees, car repairs etc? You would never, ever on the basis that they are adults, give any kind of financial support post the age of 18?

£700 a month is plenty.

Yabu.
And you didn't supoort the mother, you supported a home for your husband's children. You sound selfish tbh

ohreallyohreallyoh I'm not KungFu but I believe firmly that past 18, adults should be self reliant. Want a car? Work and earn the money for it. Uni? Work weekends, evenings and holidays and save up, get the loan, and rent rooms like students did for decades. Want a house? Save the deposit for it or rent. Repair your car? Pay for that or it sits until you save the money, just like millions of people have always done. Learn the value of hard work, of money and self-reliance. Result = decent adults, respect, and no snowflakes.

DS2 is a 3rd year student nurse. Oh how I'd love to be able to only give him £100 a month.

He lives at uni. His bursary doesn't even cover his rent, it never has. He gets a small loan too. We have to pay for all his food, phone, insurance, books and equipment. He, also, has a part time job in a bar that he's had more or less since he started uni. We've had to pay over a thousand pounds upfront for his accommodation in another hospital when he's been on placement there, then claim it back.

I think you should contribute because she might be living "rent free" with her mother, but she's still using utilities and costing her mother money. Why should her father not pay a bit towards that?

At the age of 23 both DP and I were full time students supporting ourselves! Paying for a house, two cars and all our bills. I even fell pregnant and had up give up work. Not once did I expect a handout, as an adult, it was my responsibility to pay for my own bills not mummy and daddy!

Why should her father not pay a bit towards that?

Why can't she pay for it herself? She has £700 a month disposable income! FFS!

you should definitely leave the financial burden of bringing up your SD to her Mother, if she wants to help her daughter then thats her problem!!
(i'm joking!!!!)

you should definitely leave the financial burden of bringing up your SD

SD is a 23 yo adult, she's already been 'brought up'!

kitten I think your post is really harsh.

The bottom line is we are dealing with a broken family, we don't know how or why, who is to blame.

Personally I would always go a little easier on a child of a broken home. We have no idea what this girl has been through, how she maybe supported her dm, her trauma we don't know. Maybe the daughter sees the 100 as the least they can do... After what's been done to her. We just don't know but I know divorce is traumatic and will define the daughter and her childhood and its something she didn't ask for.

We don't know cosy what this girl has been through, making references to mummy and daddy in that way when mummy and daddy are divorced and there is bound to have been traumatic scenes at some point is quite nasty.
Myself and other dc of broken homes I know have been young, supporting our mothers through breakdown, drinking, depression, pill popping, loss of self esteem, anger, crying and all the rest. Not the best childhood or start in life but also not the worse. But all adults should bear this in mind when dealing with children of divorce, it's a trauma in many ways inflicted on innocent children and I think they need slack to be cut.

But if the OP and her husband expect mum to deliver free room and board, why should they not also contribute?

Because it's still not their responsibility; if two adults want an arangement where one of them lives rent free in the others house, then that's between the two adults, it doesn't matter if everyone is related. Why should it be expected that the OP and her husband contribute to the running of someone elses house and affairs, just because their adult child lives there, if their adult child lived in a rented house would they also be expected to pay towards their living standards? If so, I must go off and get the mortgage payment for my own house from my parents if that's the case.

Go easier on a child from a broken home?

That's ridiculous. You don't know everyone's circumstances and coming from a broken home might have been the best thing that ever happened to them.

Be careful making such sweeping generalisations.

I think there are a number of issues here. Firstly at 23 no one has the right to expect either parent will provide support during a degree- that ship has sailed. Many parents will want to try and support a child of that age to do something worthwhile, but that should depend on the adult child discussing honestly and openly about their situation, and on the parents being able to afford it. Secondly no one at 23 should expect to live rent-free in a parent's home- if they have insufficient income to pay rent they should be contributing to the household in practical terms instead. If the mother is allowing her daughter not to contribute then that is up to her, but it's unlikely to be doing either of them any favours in the long run. Financial responsibility does not come from being given everything on a plate. Thirdly if the mother doesn't want the cost of providing a roof over her daughter's head then presumably the daughter can always ask to live at her dad's whilst on this course (and she can make her contribution as part of the household there.)

My understanding is in Scotland (family law Scotland act) you are obligated to pay aliment to a child under the age of 25 in training for a profession. The amount depends on many factors - needs, earning capacity incl bursary, resources etc. So both parents would be obligated to 'provide' for their child whether it be financially or accommodation etc IF it was required.

She seems to have a good monthly income to cover her outgoings from what you say.

And you are quite right to be upset that she wasn't honest about her finances

Wow. I'm from a broken home. I'm also from a big family. Does that mean my parents and stepmum were obliged to rob banks so they could write us each a blank cheque to compensate us for the "trauma" of having divorced parents once we'd all finished school and were in our 20s? I wish someone had told them

Some people on here are being beyond ridiculous and a bit fucking hysterical.

What about the older sister? She's managed to get a job, buy a house and support herself without OP, her DH and the mum keeping a steady flow of guilt money running her way. Yes, she might have her own income but why should she have to rely on that instead of also relying on hand outs. Won't someone think of the children....

You agreed to it. Her mum is supporting her through living costs. £100 a month is a pittance at uni where her books will be £50+, she has to travel to and from placements... £100 a month would’ve bought me my coffee as I stumbled to class.

Also the bursary IS £200-300 p/m ... she didn’t lie about that, she just goes to work after gruelling nursing shifts that she isn’t paid for to get that extra £400p/m.

She’s 23!! I wouldn’t be giving her anything! If her mum wants to subsidise her with free rent etc at that age that’s on her, but for a 23 year old to ask for and expect financial support from parents is a bit pathetic. I’d not be happy with that in your shoes especially if it’s a lot of money to you. When is she going to grow up and stand on her own two feet?

ohreallyohreallyoh

Going by your logic then when is the cut off point of supporting an adult child?
Of course I would help but neither would I be a walking cash point for my adult children. This is an adult we are talking about not a minor child.

In the eyes of the law the mother nor father have to do jack shit for her now. I moved out at 17 worked and went college and didn't depend on my parents for hand outs, sometimes they would grab a little food shop for me or give me extra money for gas in the winter. The difference is I never expected my parents to help me.

£100 a month would’ve bought me my coffee as I stumbled to class.

I'm sure that sort of waste of money is exactly what the op is concerned about. DD lied and actually doesn't need money.

Your comments about "supporting her mother" are very U. But on the whole I don't think YABU. I certainly wasn't receiving financial help from my parents at 23 and I definitely had less than £700pm disposable income.

DD2 is 25. Not been financially dependent since 17. Didn't go to uni (sadly) but always worked. If she wanted to jack in her job and study now - especially if it was a course like nursing where work is almost guaranteed - too right I'd be supporting her even if it meant scrimping myself. In fact, I'm sure her DF would, too. Wouldn't even question it. Isn't that what parents do?

And all the posters boasting they were financially independent at 17 or whatever - so was I! It was much easier then. I had a full student grant, travel expenses paid, could claim benefits during university breaks. I bought my first property at 21 on a 100% mortgage. It's a different world now.