Aibu financial support to step daughter

[Craftylittlething]

Just had a rather heated debate with my dh, sd has recently started a nursing degree and asked for our support. We agreed to give her some money every month £100. I just discovered that between bursary and wages from part time job she brings home around £700 a month. She lives with her mum so no rent or outgoings other than a brand new car. I think she's taking the piss as she will have more spending money in a month than I do. Aibu?

"If you think a hundred pounds a month is too much, then I agree with others - you are definitely lying about supporting the mum’s mortgage"

The OP is in Scotland. In some areas houses cost from £30k. I'm in Liverpool, my DD has just bought a house, her Mortgage is £320 a month, so half of that would be £160. Her friends Mortgages, bought 10 years ago are under £250 a month. We don't all live around London.

It isn't jealousy that means you don't want to give money to another Adult, who has more coming in than you.

I'm in the position that two of my DDs earn more than I do, so do my Grandchildren's other Grandparents. You can't bankrupt yourself trying to keep up.

I agree with speaking to the ex to see if anything is needed.

The DD is taking the piss out of both of them, by the sounds of it.

As for the OP being on low money. We need a level of people to do lower paid jobs in our Society, otherwise we wouldn't function.

Thehungrydonkey, I agree about families helping each other, but the DD doesn't need help, she just wants more money than she has.

The OP has said that £100 is a lot to them.

I think that her mum needs the money more than her if she is living rent, food and bills free. Can you talk tho the mum and give her the, choice of you contributing to her living expenses or saving the £100 for when she graduated? I don't think SD needs the extra money herself.

I don't think 100 a month is much to give at all to a child. 23 or not, she's still your husband's child. Maybe try and increase your own income so 100 doesn't feel as much.

And how do you suggest op does that sashimi?

Birdsgottafly talks sense.
It might be helpful to forget all that has happened before (OP is obviously not an evil step mother and has been, and is being reasonable). This simple truth that needs to be uncovered is what DD's income is and what, if anything, she needs from her parents.
I have a 20 something SD who has just gone back to Uni for postgrad study and we had a perfectly grown up conversation with her and her Mum about what her income vs costs would be and what contribution she needed from DH and I. She's worked this all out and says she has enough to live on but will let us know if she needs anymore.

The nursing bursary in Scotland pays £590 a month through SAAS. My niece is a student nurse and was very relieved when she found out what the bursary was.

I think I already said that I was angry about this because sd lied about how much she would have coming in, not that my husband wanted to support her, I also wanted to support her when I thought she'd have a few hundred quid a month. he also didn't realise the level of bursary it's £550.If I felt she needed it, no problem. Birds hit the nail on the head a mortgage in Scotland could be around £300 PCM. Incidentally if this was my dd I'd expect her to be able to manage fine with a disposable income of £100 per week. Thanks for the rational responses.

Do you expect her mother to support her? As in live rent free and make no contributions to bills, food, household purchases and wear and tear? I would suggest if yes, you do, then her father also needs to be making a contribution. Would you be willing to have her live with you?

I actually can't believe some of the comments on here. From what I've read half of you must still be food feeding and wiping the arses of your adult DC's.

OP's ADULT 23 YO SD is getting £700 pcm and with a brand new car without the need to pay rent etc. Why the hell should they be giving her any money? Especially if that leaves DD better off financially than themselves. £100 might not be a lot to some of you, but it is to others and the OP.

As for supporting SD's mother. That's exactly what OP and her husband did. Paying 1/2 of the mother's mortgage is not child maintenance it's above and beyond what was necessary. They were kind to do this not obliged!

It was the year after SD left school so I'm assuming she was 18. What was she doing for 4 years as an adult? It should of been SD helping her mum out with the mortgage by paying rent not OP and DH.

Do you expect her mother to support her?

She's old enough to fucking support herself. She's 23 fgs!

It's true that the house could be a 30k one, but if that's the case, it's more likely to be in an area where more the distance needing travelled for placement will be more substantial. Making the use of a car and the associated bills rather than relying on public transport less of a choice.

If DSD has actually lied, I can see why you're annoyed on that front OP. The facts you've given sound a bit garbled though? How much exactly is the bursary, did she say she wouldn't be working or that the bursary would be lower, what will her actual bills be including parking etc?

Do you expect her mother to support her? As in live rent free and make no contributions to bills, food, household purchases and wear and tear?

I think most people would expect the daughter to be contributing to the household. £590 a month from the bursary is a lot of everything is provided free for you. I presume she pays her own petrol but aside from that the daughter is being really grabby to have lied about her income and to want another £100 from her Dad.

So your husband pays 100 x 12 - £1200 and I pay £25,000 to my child at university including 9250 fees and £8k rent plus I house them in holidays, feed them in holidays and take them on a couple of nice holidays a year. So about £30k v 1200. Your husband is getting things cheap at the price!

That's such a fucking strawman argument and you know it. That's like saying; "ohhh the tyres on my Ferrari cost me £1,500 a year, your car tyres only cost you £120 a year on your 16 year old Fiesta, you're getting things cheap at the price." Making no account for people's budgets, I can't afford to just shit out another £1,200 a year for altruistic reasons, so I'm guessing alot of other people can't either.

he's old enough to fucking support herself. She's 23 fgs!

Yet in your other post you make a comment about her living rent free. So that's the question, isn't it? Does the OP expect mum to continue to give the girl a rent free home whilst she is studying? Something which is fairly normal amongst families? Is so, why is it just the mother's responsibility to do that?

Yet in your other post you make a comment about her living rent free

I was painting a picture not my giving my opinion. I said SD lives rent free with her DM, I've not said that it's right or wrong.

But now I will. SD should not be living rent free with her DM imo, but that isn't OP's concern. If the DM doesn't want to take money off SD that's her problem not OP's and her DH's.

It is the mothers responsibility to decide on the terms of letting another adult remain in her home, if that is where the daughter lives, rent free or not.

I wouldn't be giving money to someone who can afford a new car.

And yet time and time again on here we see step parent posts about the dreadful mother who is telling the child to pay or move out now she 'doesn't get all the benefits'.

It is not really up to us to say whether or not the daughter should be paying rent. The question is whether dad and step mum consider rent-free appropriate. If they do, then why should they not also contribute?

Whether the sd lives at home rent free is between her and her mother, nothing to do with the OP. What is to do with the OP is whether its reasonable to hand over £100/month to an adult with more disposable income than her own household. I'd say not.

Depends on what judgement the OP and her husband will make if mum charges the daughter rent. My parents would never have charged me. That attitude is normal/usual for some families. Other families can't understand why you wouldn't charge rent. Neither is right/wrong.

But if the OP and her husband expect mum to deliver free room and board, why should they not also contribute? There may be an argument for paying mum directly, perhaps, rather than the daughter. But the fact remains if their expectation is mum pays up, why shouldn't they also,pay up in some way?

Only on mumsnet would you see the opinion that a father should still be contributing to his adult child.

She's 23 not 13!

Also do be aware that under English (not Scottish) law where parents are divorecd the student has a legal right to obtain money from the non resident parent.
www.bishopandsewell.co.uk/maintenance-children-higher-education/

www.mondaq.com/canada/x/442628/Family+Law/Adult+Child+Support+When+Does+Support+For+PostSecondary

Also as said above the father should house the student as much as the mother. Think of the day to day cost even just in university holidays we parents who live with our children pay out (even ignoring my own position above), food etc etc and even needing a bigger flat than if we didn't bother to house them like this father!

Can we just knock on the head the snide comments about the brand new car?

Lease cars have become so much more common now. Didn't exist when I was at uni. If she needs a car for placement and only had enough up front cash for something older than possibly would need repairs, then a brand new all in lease car might have been the sensible decision - rather than a flash the cash luxury purchase.

Also do be aware that under English (not Scottish) law where parents are divorecd the student has a legal right to obtain money from the non resident parent

Not according to this:
Child maintenance payments usually stop when the child reaches 16 (or 20 if they’re in full-time education up to A-level or equivalent)