Aibu financial support to step daughter

[Craftylittlething]

Just had a rather heated debate with my dh, sd has recently started a nursing degree and asked for our support. We agreed to give her some money every month £100. I just discovered that between bursary and wages from part time job she brings home around £700 a month. She lives with her mum so no rent or outgoings other than a brand new car. I think she's taking the piss as she will have more spending money in a month than I do. Aibu?

YANBU

DD is doing a medical degree and after rent etc is living on £200 a month to include food. She manages with shopping etc from us (low income). Does she pay her mum anything? I would pay it to her mum as she will be out of pocket if the DD isnt paying board.

Bursaries and fees paid are to make up for the fact that the students work shifts so cant get part time jobs.

I saw it more of a frame of time of how the household income was

I would have thought that too if it was for the use of I instead of we and the angry tone and exclamation marks in the posts. Also referring to the money as "spending money" rather than just money or money for bills etc.

It seems that your SD has either been economical with the truth or downright lied when she told you her financial situation.
So, you should tell your DH that now you have the full financial picture you need to re assess.
She has £ 700 per month ' coming in' with no bills apart from car related ones. So her disposable income is pretty good I would say.
Work out hiw much you two have per month ' disposable ' income.
Then see how it compares to your SD.
I personally think at 23 living rent free she should be saving and that you have no moral need to support her.
I would suggest to DH that you put some money each month away for her - but of course, if you do this then you need to do it at the same level for any other children either if you have.
Maybe pay for some books when she needs them.
But she gets her bursary and works. She's much better off than student nurses in England!
And for all those commenting saying you are jealous I think they are utterly wrong. It's not jealousy, there's something wrong when you give money to somebody who does not NEED it and they have more money than you anyway! Why would anybody do that without feeling incredulous or very frustrated??

Paying child support (at whatever age the child is), is NOT "supporting the mother"

Spousal support is different. But second wives don't pay it, ex husbands do and it's WAY out of your price range if £100pcm for an adult student offspring is causing these kind of ructions.

If you paid money to THE MOTHER after the child was 18 then yes. You were supporting the mother !! You are not obliged to pay for university costs unless this is specifically written into a divorce settlement. Therefore ANYTHING you pay after that point that is not given directly to the child - is supporting the mother to house an adult child who the mother chooses to house. Again the mother is not obliged - it's her choice ! and OPs FAMILY money should not be supporting this unless both parties agree.

We have 3 currently at Uni. One doing medical degree this year and two further along. We cannot afford to support all of them so do not support any. Except to feed and house them in the holidays.

They knew this before they went. They all have student loans and ALL have part time jobs to support themselves. They all live within their means. None of them have cars because they can't afford it.

Why is your SD doing this degree so late. ? What has she done since 18 ?
She need to sell the car and use the money towards her costs and live within her means rather than make you and your family be worse of because of her ADULT life choices.

Her mothers decision to finance/house/support her on this basis are her mothers choice. It certainly doesn't mean you need to endorse or copy it .

YANBU to not wish to do this. But YABU to have an opinion on family finances - after all OP , you are a Step mother and you must realise by now that all step mothers on MN are self serving ex mistresses who wish to steal the 'dsc money' for themselves whilst they sit at home eating chocolate and shopping online for designer goods for the 'new' dc..

Since when is paying half the mortgage 'supporting her mother?'. Your DH's DD lives there. & why are you comparing yourself to your SD anyway 'she'll have more money than me'. It's not a competition. Your DH had a DD before he met you. Accept that. At least he wants to help his DD and why shouldn't he? What makes you think you have the right to decide when the cut-off point will be? & I thought nurses no longer received bursaries? But even if they do - she is studying + working part-time so she's not idle is she? & very likely won't be able to work right through her course. Her parents are supporting their DD. Leave them alone.

I'm mildly curious as to how you afforded mortgage payments on ExW home when £100 a month is apparently difficult for you. Doesn't add up. My DDs are early 20s and despite DD1 having a grant + working whilst at Uni, I still gave her a small allowance so she could treat herself from time to time, or take on 1 less shift during exam times. No man would've been able to come along and tell me I shouldn't/couldn't give my child an allowance, that's for sure. Good luck to those who speak as if at 18 it's 'youre an adult now you get nothing from me'. We don't all think like that. You must have discussed situation with your DH before he started giving DD an allowance so it's a bit much to expect him to go along with your change of mind

If you think a hundred pounds a month is too much, then I agree with others - you are definitely lying about supporting the mum’s mortgage. I personally believe at 23 and studying in Scotland with what is effectively a free education means your dsd should support herself - but that decision is for your dh to make. It is none of your business if he funds his daughter from his own income.

I don't think you should be paying her the money, but I do think stopping paying what was agreed may irrevocably damage DH's relationship with her.

I presume she's either leasing her car or has taken out a loan to buy it, and stopping paying her the money might mean that she can't afford to keep up the payments. And with unsocial hours she'll need a car when she starts her placements, and may find it very difficult to keep doing her p/t job.

I think your DH should have a serious chat with her about misleading him about her financial position though, and about how paying her has left you both skint.

My friend's daughter has just started midwifery training, without a bursary, and she's had to increase her hours at work so they can support her while she's training. It's a bitch, when nurses and midwives are so desperately needed.

Clearly you are being very economical with the truth here. £100 per month is too much, but you supported the mother by paying half her mortgage?

I was lead to believe the bursary was maybe £250/£300pcm in which case I was absolutely happy to help her out. Between that and her job it's a lot more,

It doesn't sound like she mislead you though. It sounds like her bursary is £250/£300 per month, but then her overall income with her job is around £700.

How do you know she contributes absolutely nothing to the household? No food, no bills, no rent, no anything? Especially considering her mother struggled so much financially, you had to support her?

And do you actually know her outgoings? I would assume with a brand new car, she is probably paying out at least £300 per month with finance/loans, insurance + tax (unless she had a lump sum of money to buy outright but I'm guessing not). So I doubt she actually has £700 disposable income.

Ultimately it is your DH's decision if he wants to give his DD a token amount whilst she studies.

I'm in agreement with you Op. Whilst it's nice to treat once and a while, subsidising another adult should only happen if you can afford it. If it's impacting on your life style, why should you be working to pay for someone else?

She should be supporting herself.
My dd worked nights whilst at uni to supplement her income and she was 5 years younger than the sd!!!!
She is an adult, not a child.

I also think you went over and above paying the exwifes mortgage for a year.

In the grant scheme of it, its 25 pounds a week, 3.58 a day. It would be enough to get some food whilst on placement. I've done this course it's extremely intensive and dispite having a small part time job I had to pack it in because it was far too much with the 37 hours I was doing plus coursework plus portfolio

She's taking the piss. She's an adult with sufficient money coming in to support herself. Really, tell her to stand on her own two feet but be there for her in an emergency.

If her mother lets her live there rent free that's her choice, you don't have to subsidise her decision, you've done enough.

Ravingroo: It is none of your business if he funds his daughter from his own income.

MN is so contradictory. The money he earns is ‘family money’ is it not? It so does concern the OP what he does with it. Especially when what he does with impacts OP.

Note OP never said they couldn’t afford it, just that Dsd ends up with more disposable income than she has. If I still need to support my kids at 23 (other than a subsidised roof over their heads). I feel I would have failed as a parent. By all means help, but to support, means something was missed in her education. The parental responsibility of teaching money, self respect and independence.

Why is op lying about paying the mortgage? It could be a very small mortgage. And perhaps they lived very frugally to contribute. It's a normal reaction to feel aggrieved on discovery her sdd is more comfortable financially than she when they're still contributing financially.

mummy: It's a normal reaction to feel aggrieved on discovery her sdd is more comfortable financially than she when they're still contributing financially.

at twenty f*ing three no less

So your husband pays 100 x 12 - £1200 and I pay £25,000 to my child at university including 9250 fees and £8k rent plus I house them in holidays, feed them in holidays and take them on a couple of nice holidays a year. So about £30k v 1200. Your husband is getting things cheap at the price!

I just think an adult woman should be able to manage on £700 a month with no rent or bills to pay

I assume she does have bills though? She has to pay for the car, insurance, petrol and other work related costs? My dsis did nursing and petrol used to be a major expense as she was rotated around hospitals that could be up to 40 miles away. It also used to cost £8 per shift for the hospital car park (no local parking at all) so that was up to £160 per month alone. I doubt there would be very little left for personal spending money.

It's a tricky one. I would suspect there's a car loan to be paid off and other car related costs. Clearly, we don't know whether DSD lives at her mum's rent free, or whether she contributes to the household bills.

DSD is an adult so the OP does have a point tbf.

I think it was the angry nature of the OP that put her in a bad light.

Sukitea: She has to pay for the car, insurance, petrol and other work related costs? when you buy a new car, that is your choice. Expecting your parents to subsidise this is a little much.

Some of the responses on here are stupid. And I can get they'd be different it she was ops daughter and not step daughter.
If ops husband and her have joint finances it is not just up to her husband to decide to throw money at his adult daughter.

Yes,SpareChangeDownTheSofa, I noticed that comment too, about the SD having more money than the OP if her DF paid £100 per month. It does sound like jealousy to me as well

This is just ridiculous. It's not jealousy at all!! OP is probably concerned that by giving this £100 away they will be worse of! Which is a bad position to but yourself in especially when the person you're giving it to doesn't need it.

And all the comments about "you expect to give you student child loads of cash" - Do You? And what happens if you don't have that cash yourself?

I'm sure op is worried they will struggle or be worse off while sdd pisses all her money and their contribution up the wall.

I’m confused by the people questioning why she’s waited till 23 to do a degree-why is that relevant? Is it more acceptable to give her money at 18 than 23?
I never started my degree till 23 for lots of reasons, I just don’t think her age is relevant. And for the record I still lived at home then too, I had my bursary and worked part time, and had to give up my job as I couldn’t work it around placements. I lived off my bursary, and occasional auxiliary shifts in the hospital when I could, my mum never contributed to my ‘living’ expenses.

She might be an adult but she doesn't stop being his child. £100 a month is not a lot to help out his daughter. Supporting each other is kind of what families do be it financially, emotionally or whatever. I find the Mumsnet notion that children at 18 must be cut off really odd.