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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

295 replies

BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 30/09/2017 19:16

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

OP posts:
wingerkite · 01/10/2017 07:54

Not sure why people are bringing up how shit their dh's are, it's irrelevant.

Also calling the OP a bitch is uncalled for, she had a baby 4 weeks ago, yes she behaved badly and was being very unreasonable for sure but some of the posts here are venomous. Until men have babies and have to deal with all the trauma and hormones that can come with that then things aren't equal are they?

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 07:59

I agree there is no need to call her a bitch.

And no it can never be equal. But men can try and make it more equal by making sure the mother gets plenty of rest and support and doesnt take on the full load on the back of giving birth.

Which the Ops dh is doing, from what she had said.

GinIsIn · 01/10/2017 08:00

It's really hard having a new baby and you spent most of the time at breaking point, but nonetheless your behaviour is absolutely not ok. Especially as he's the one doing most of the nights. If you don't like how he does it, there's nothing to stop you doing it yourself.

frumpety · 01/10/2017 08:01

Do you still wake when your DH gets up with DS ? From your OP it sounds as though you do ? Do you have a spare room or a sofa you could take yourself off to when DH is doing the night feeds , so you get a chunk of decent sleep like DH does when he goes back to bed ?

TheStoic · 01/10/2017 08:01

I think this was a drive-by.

GinIsIn · 01/10/2017 08:01

Oh and for the record, your DH is doing it right, and you are wrong. A 4 week old doesn't have an understanding of speech and language so actually, hearing the same sounds repeated, i.e. Always saying the same thing or singing the same song to comfort them is the correct way to communicate with them most effectively.

StealthPolarBear · 01/10/2017 08:02

Just going back to page 1,do people describe the woman as "helping" when she looks after her own child?

FindingNemoandDory · 01/10/2017 08:07

I'm so sorry OP but also had to laugh as I can just picture it.

Yes it was unreasonable but in my opinion not the worst thing ever and I hope you can laugh about it soon too - I can totally imagine the irrational fury!

I do think this depends a bit on the relationship and how your OH feels too. If he takes this kind of thing to heart and it damages his ego (which is legitimate) then it's worse. I know my OH will allow a little unreasonable behaviour but if I were out of line, he wouldn't be upset but would quite firmly put me back in my place (not physically! Before anyone jumps on this) and I'd be mortified and apologetic and we move on. I can understand though that some OHs would not expect it in the first place and be hurt

Please keep us updated and I hope he is back soon! I'd be apologetic and sincere and explain but don't go overboard and make more of it

MiniTheMinx · 01/10/2017 08:11

Why is he doing all the night feeds, doesn't he have a job to go to?

You have undermined him. It's quite possible that most of us look at our first baby and think "which way up" we don't know if we are doing and saying the right things. When a baby cries we are programmed to be anxious, without anxiety our predecessors would have got up and dumped the baby! But instead several thousand years later we are still here. So, if the crying is waking you up, but you don't do anything it can create anxiety at the physiological level. This is more than just sleep deprivation.

Your DH will feel the same, but he is the one feeding and soothing baby. Over time his confidence in his ability to do this grows also in relation to the bond he creates with baby. You have disrupted this by making him feel his efforts are useless.

You will feel a whole lot less anxious and therefore angry if you felt effectual. Try it, share the night feeds equally.

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 08:17

do people describe the woman as "helping" when she looks after her own child?

Tbh i dont see the outrage that is often seen on mn over phrases such as helping and babysitting.

Dh cooks dinner every night. He might ask me for some help if he is trying to work as well. He runs his own business and works round the kids, but often has to take calls or answer urgent emails at inconvenient times.

If he has a busy week he would ask me to help him out and finish early to do the school run and work from home in the evening.

I might say the same 'dh, works night out on friday....can you babysit?' Or 'i have to go to Edinburgh for work in 2 weeks, can you sort work and help me out and do the morning school run for on the Wednesday'

But when you feel your partner is a genuinely equal parent, the language used doesnt feel as important. Its the actions that are most important.

JustMumNowNotMe · 01/10/2017 08:19

Hopefully the OP tool comments on board and gave her DH time and space to forgive her in his own time. I imagine he was left feeling quite humiliated and very angry after her tirade, and her telling him t9 get over it won't have helped at all. Poor bloke, can't do right for doing wrong Sad

cherrycola2004 · 01/10/2017 08:30

YABU

But I can imagine myself having done exactly the same to my DP.

He’ll be ok, apologise again and hopefully you can both move on from this soon.

JustDanceAddict · 01/10/2017 08:31

I can imagine the irritation, but the rest of it is not on.
My dh helped with night feeds esp with ds who was bottle fed. We did alternating nights, but slept in different rooms so the other wasn’t disturbed. Dh wasn’t working at the time - had been made redundant - so was ok for him to do that.
You will have to grovel massively and blame hormones, then try and sleep away from him when it’s his turn.

Halfsack · 01/10/2017 08:55

I'm hoping the silence from OP means you're doing fine serious grovelling. You were very harsh and out of order. Those who have sympathy with you because you've just given birth are making poor excuses for your bad behaviour. You could of suggested he say something else. Poor bloke.

Salmakia · 01/10/2017 08:59

Other fathers who do fuck all to parent their kids have nothing whatsoever to do with this situation. When a parent actually parents their kids there is NO NEED at all to act like they're a hero because some other parents are so shit. This just further entrenches the idea that you can opt out of parenting your own kid if you have a penis and if you don't opt out you deserve special thanks. It's so damaging to mothers to perpetuate this crap.

Regards this situation, he's hurt it will take time to calm down and forgive you. You're both struggling and newborns are hard. I'd suggest talking and apologising in person and re-iterating that you're both a team and love each other in spite of how hard it is and that you've been snapping at each other. A text apology and then a lot of silence both ways will make this into a bigger issue than it needs to be.

5rivers7hills · 01/10/2017 09:02

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Original poster
BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 01/10/2017 09:02

DH is a musician so works when he wants to.

The thing is, yes he's been doing most of the night feeds but never takes DS out of the bedroom so I lay awake when DS cries throughout the night anyway. I'm then up all day whilst DH gets to sleep in the bedroom alone most of the day.

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 01/10/2017 09:03

Good lord, the op knows she was wrong and I do actually think that cutting her some slack is a good idea. Even if it isn't hormones or lack of sleep, it's a huge emotional adjustment having a newborn baby to contend with. Clearly how she spoke to her (rather wonderful as far as I can see) dh was absolutely wrong, but we've all said and done things we're not proud of, even before we were new parents.

Op, he's understandably very hurt. He'll get over it but is also very tired and a new parent so things that would have been easier to get over before can cause a bigger obstacle now. When the dust settles, approach him nicely, let him know you appreciate him and that you're truly sorry. He'll forgive you I'm sure, he's just taking a little longer right now. Suggest getting out for a walk or something.

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 09:07

Then change the situation. Change sleeping arrangments. Ask him to take ds out so you can sleep.

Screaming and mocking his parenting isnt ok.

He does take him out though. You said so in the Op.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/10/2017 09:08

5rivers7hill Wow. Are you for fucking real? You were a total unreasonable aggressive bitch

Takes one to know one Grin

Original poster
BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 01/10/2017 09:09

😂

OP posts:
kikisparks · 01/10/2017 09:14

You need to speak to him, you can't just draw a line under it if he doesn't want to. Tell him you want to talk to him about your behaviour- if he's not ready then give him some space and ask him to let you know when he is ready to talk. Don't get annoyed if he's angry- he is the wronged party. You need to massively apologise here- admit to him your behaviour was unacceptable, that you now feel terrible for having potentially made him feel bad about spending time with his child, that you will never speak to him like that again and that you love him very much (assuming all that's true). Don't ask for forgiveness, don't explain your behaviour, just apologise unequivocally and if he gets mad let him let his feelings out and say you understand why he feels that way and you would too if someone treated you the way you treated him. Then praise him about how he is with the baby, say you love seeing them together etc, that he's a supportive husband and you appreciate him. You have shown a massive lack of respect and he needs to feel respected as a husband and father again.

From your 2nd post it sounds like you have some resentment that he sleeps all day and you're woken in the night. If you can't sleep with him doing the night feeds I think you need to go sleep in another room.

PippiLongstromp · 01/10/2017 09:17

@emmyrose2000 yes definitely, to all the people who have taken part in this practically verbal stoning of someone who has raised their voice, lighten up! She has not committed muster for goodness sake. People's reactions here are completely OTT. Thankfully it looks like OP has a sense of humour about it. That might not have been the case but people don't seem to care about that. Yuck, the worst side of Internet forums have played itself out in this thread.

Shadow666 · 01/10/2017 09:20

It would drive me utterly insane too OP!!

Some people are just more sensitive to repetitive noises. It's called misophonia. It's an actual medical condition. You should let him know. It's not your fault. Now, now, nevermind, OP just enjoy the peace and quiet while you can.

PS I suspect the 3 or 4 people on the thread who have utterly empathized may also be sufferers. It's like nails on a chalkboard.

BakedBeans47 · 01/10/2017 09:23

I think the fact he was doing it in the bedroom would have done my head in too OP, I’d probably have let rip before you did!