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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

295 replies

BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 30/09/2017 19:16

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

OP posts:
FindingNemoandDory · 01/10/2017 09:27

Yes! I am!

So recognise the fury.

MajesticWhine · 01/10/2017 09:28

Tired stressed parents of newborn baby? Yes of course you were out of order and of course he should forgive you. Cut each other some slack. However if he is doing a night feed it would not be unreasonable to expect him stop the chatter until he is in another room and away from you so he doesn't wake you. There is no point you both being awake.

Mittens1969 · 01/10/2017 09:32

Sleep deprivation can do that to you; our DD2 (5 now) still has bad nights, and it can lead to me being grumpy with DH. I prefer to handle it by myself while DH sleeps in the spare bed. It's better that way really, as he goes out to work and I'm a SAHM.

Just apologise again and then you both need to move on. And yes DH needs to let you sleep at night; maybe that's something you need to be assertive about now? He can now see how sleep deprived you are, so he needs to meet you halfway on this.

TippyTinkleTrousers · 01/10/2017 09:34

OP I'm totally on your side with this.

First of all, anything repetitive and I go for serene as calm to raging mad. Certain noises for me feel like someone is stabbing in the back of the neck. A repetitive noise like that when I had just woken up, I'd say you were lucky to keep quiet for that long.

That's not to say it's ok to flip your lid, just that I would have also flipped my lid long ago.

Second of all, what exactly is the point of him doing the night feeds/wakings when he's going to witter on constantly to the baby waking you and keeping you awake anyway?

So effectively, you are awake when they are awake and then have the baby all day.

So when is your undesturbed time?

Your DH got a solid 7 hours. You didn't.
Tell your DH this and explain that's why you flipped your lid. Because you don't get solid sleep like he does.

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable.

In fact, I take it back. You were well within your right to flip your lid.
This isn't so much about the repetitiveness as it is about you not getting anywhere near as much rest as your DH because of your DH.

Creatureofthenight · 01/10/2017 09:35

So OP there's a simple solution- whoever does night wakings and/or feedings takes the baby out of the bedroom.

user7680 · 01/10/2017 09:40

I got zero help from my h during night feeds

Kissisforpirate · 01/10/2017 09:48

He needs to take the baby out of the room and feed and soothe elsewhere. If baby takes ages to get to sleep then he should put the telly on and watch while soothing.
I'd have lost my shit too if id been kept awake all night but my partner got his kip in the day.

stitchglitched · 01/10/2017 09:55

Not such a 'saint' then, he's getting much more sleep than you. I would alternate nights so you take it in turns to get a nice stretch of uninterrupted sleep during the day.

Topseyt · 01/10/2017 09:55

I would agree that whoever is dealing with the night wakings needs to take the baby into another room. Either that or you sleep in another room when not on night duty.

That has to be worth a try at this difficult newborn stage. It is a phase that doesn't really last all that long, but it feels like an eternity when you are in the thick of it, as the two of you are.

It may still be difficult, and you might need earplugs. I was preprogrammed to wake to my babies even if they were the other end of the house. At least the crying and shrieking is less intense that way though, and DH will be free to soothe the baby in whatever way works.

Soutty · 01/10/2017 09:59

It's pointless both of you being awake. We made that mistake with our first and it led to horrible rows.

If he sleeps during the day why on earth does he want to spend the night in the bedroom anyway? Surely he'd be better off watching box sets with the baby in the front room? Suggest that and if he doesn't agree just set up a bed for yourself on the sofa and leave him to it.

wingerkite · 01/10/2017 10:26

Why don't you sleep in separate bedrooms for now?

MaisieDotes · 01/10/2017 10:58

I think you will laugh about this in the future.

Yes, you were off the charts unreasonable but hopefully your DH will be able to forgive you soon. I would be most worried that he will be inhibited from now on in how he interacts with the baby. I think I'd spend a lot of time stressing that there was nothing wrong with how he was speaking to the baby, in fact it was very sweet. Take full responsibility for the fact that you being irritated by it was your problem.

It would be horrible if his bonding with the baby is affected by this.

IndianaMoleWoman · 01/10/2017 11:00

The amount of women that have come on to say that they've had eight kids and their husband didn't lose a wink of sleep is frankly depressing. Not to mention completely irrelevant.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2017 11:15

So this complete saint of a DH:

  • does most of the night feeds but keeps the OP awake whilst doing them
  • OP then takes baby all day whilst he sleeps
  • OP therefore is awake night and day
  • OP has PND
  • OP loses it with the DH keeping her awake all night
  • DH swears at her (read the OP)
  • OP swears back
  • OP apologises for losing it with DH
  • DH goes off in sulk

OP is roundly hounded for not worshipping this saint simply because he does some parenting.

OP: Honestly 4 weeks in can be an awful time - go with the posters saying it was rough, they got past it and eventually laughed at it. I had that experience too.

Do not feel obliged to put DH on a pedestal because he is doing some parenting of his own child. YOu are entirely reasonable to ask him to take the baby out of the bedroom so you actually get some sleep considering he sleeps during the day.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2017 11:18

The amount of women that have come on to say that they've had eight kids and their husband didn't lose a wink of sleep is frankly depressing. Not to mention completely irrelevant.

^This

rightnowimpissed · 01/10/2017 11:19

Yabu.

Slartybartfast · 01/10/2017 11:21

Its threads like this that makes me seriously wonder why people bring their woes to mumsnet

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 11:54

No one else find it odd that the op has only come back to drip feed some info that changes the situation.

But not post anything else?

stitchglitched · 01/10/2017 12:02

I don't think it's a drip feed, she said in her first he went back to bed at 7am until he woke up at 2. That's a long stretch of sleep for him!

stitchglitched · 01/10/2017 12:03

*first post

Aridane · 01/10/2017 12:05

Some people are just more sensitive to repetitive noises. It's called misophonia. It's an actual medical condition. You should let him know. It's not your fault.

So OP has now been diagnosed online and it isn't her fault

TippyTinkleTrousers · 01/10/2017 12:20

YES.

Everything CH8 said.

👌🏻

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 12:20

Course its a dripfeed. No one woukd assume he does that all time.

Plus she said he doesnt take him out of the bedroom. But he did in the Op.

AND the fact that, that is all that has been posted.

Shadow666 · 01/10/2017 12:21

Misophonia is a fairly new thing but it's also called "sound rage". It's when repetitive sounds or often sounds related to the mouth, such as slurping or chewing gum, are utterly unbearable to the sufferer and aggression is a common reaction. People who suffer this condition will tell you that when they hear certain trigger sounds, they just want to go over and throttle the person doing it or run screaming from the room. If the OP is a sufferer she will probably have noticed she's sensitive to other repetitive sounds. If someone on the bus is sniffing constantly, do you have murderous thoughts? That sort of thing.

The OP is probably less tolerant than usual due to tiredness, stress, the baby, etc.

Or maybe the OP is crazy, but it seems pretty classic misophonia to me. Grin

stitchglitched · 01/10/2017 12:26

Well she wouldn't be hearing everything he said if she wasn't being disturbed by the night feeds. Some people were too quick to cannonise him for feeding his child and berate a sleep deprived post partum mother who snapped, and had apologised. I probably wouldn't rush back either given some of the replies.