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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

295 replies

BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 30/09/2017 19:16

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 01/10/2017 04:41

This time it was your dh. Next time it could be your son you blow up at. You need to get a handle on your temper OP. Pregnancy hormones is not an excuse - most pregnant women don’t verbally abuse their partners.

QOD · 01/10/2017 04:41

Oh dear, one of those rows that are so ridiculous but hurtful

He does sound like a keeper, and I hope you two sort it out

marymoosmum · 01/10/2017 05:16

You need to give him space, you have basically shouted at him for being a good dad. I get your tired, I have a 2 week old and have had 30 minutes sleep so far, I get angry at my DH over stupid things but I haven't shouted at him for being a good dad and talking to his children. The nicest thin he did that I shouted at him for was leaving me to sleepnan extra hour yesterday morning because he knew I wanted us to go somewhere and it was now too late to go.

Toadinthehole · 01/10/2017 05:25

Honestly if my partner spoke to me that way they'd be finding a new partner.

No they wouldn't, and you know this.

TheStoic · 01/10/2017 05:30

Pregnancy hormones is not an excuse - most pregnant women don’t verbally abuse their partners.

She's not pregnant, is she?

Kittymum03 · 01/10/2017 05:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheby · 01/10/2017 06:03

Your DH was doing a brilliant job. You were a total bitch and you need to accept thatbits going to take him a long time to forgive you. I'm not sure that I could tbh.

Pacing the floors during the night with a tiny baby is HARD. It's easier during the day, even if you've been up all night, because it's less lonely. I know because I've done both. So you've got the easier ride here and you were still a complete cow about it all.

Babies like repetitive noises, it's soothing for them. And it will also help your DH keep calm himself. We used to ring repetitive songs over and over to our collicy baby, it kept us from wanting to throw her out of the window.

You need to throw yourself at his mercy here. Apologise unreservedly, tell him you were being completely irrational and you know him talking to the baby is a GOOD thing and he should start doing it again.

emmyrose2000 · 01/10/2017 06:20

Have you never shouted at your husbands with hormonal rage just because they annoy you? I think that is quite normal to be honest and your husband needs to learn to see through that, take one for the team so to speak. He is being a child

That's the biggest load of bullshit I've read in any thread today. If you think that's normal, you need help.

Even when I was pumped full of fertility drugs that were genuinely throwing my hormones and moods out of whack, I never screamed abuse at my DH, no matter how annoying I thought he was at that particular moment.

When I finally did have a baby, my DH did most of the nightfeeds with the milk I expressed through the day. It would never occur to me to scream and shout at him like the OP did. I was just thankful for a decent night's sleep most nights.

WonderLime · 01/10/2017 06:20

I'm more concerned that you were shouting at your DH while he was holding the baby.

My DS is now 10 weeks and I do all night feeds. I have snipped at my DP after being awake for 20+ hours (though not quite as rude as that), but even then I've been conscious about shouting near our baby.

I do, however, understand how overwhelming and exhausting a new baby is. With sleep deprivation, hormones and your whole life changing, its easy to end up snapping at stupid things. It was around week 4 where everything peaked for me, and I was randomly crying at different times during the day.

With that said though, I do think you are being incredibly unreasonable to expect him to forgive you already. How would you feel if he'd belittled your parental skills when you are trying your absolute hardest? Would you forgive him straight away?

Keep apologising and tell him he is doing a good job, as his confidence would have been knocked. You need to support one another at this time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2017 06:28

You're both exhausted. Give yourself some slack. You realise you didn't act rationally. Find a better place to sleep so that you actually sleep when your dh is in charge of the baby.

missarcher · 01/10/2017 06:53

Well he probably doesn't want to say anything incase you lose your shit at him?
Get some ear plugs and sleep in the room furtherest away from baby at night, get him to take over whatever night feeds he isn't doing currently so that you can sleep.. I'm also guessing you DH is back at work, so when he's not working you need to go out and have some you time.

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 07:00

Why is everyone say op is sleep deprived? Or that she is getting no sleep. She is.

She may get woken up when he gets up with the baby, but she is getting sleep.

If a man acted like this and out it doen to the fact he isnt getting a full nights sleep because he gets woken up when his wife got up and did the night feeds, no ome would have sympathy.

I think the op does feel bad. But she clearly thinks its not a big deal. She expects it to be dropped because she has said sorry. Again if a man screamed at his wife like this and expected her to forget it a few hours later, because he had said sorry. Again, no one would have sympathy.

Having a silly argument is one thing, ripping apart how someone parents is another.

Also i think anyone doing most night feeds is a saint. Man or woman. Me and dh used to do it so first half of night dh did. I did second half. I am a natural early riser. Dh finds it hard to get to sleep early. I would go to bed about 10pm. He would be on duty til 2/3am then i would do it.

I couldnt have done the majority of them. So, to me, anyone who does is brilliant.

Adviceneeded123 · 01/10/2017 07:04

I am sorry but i am amgry for your dh. I get your tired too and yes its annoying but some DHs never getup! I have 3dcs. Dh never got up with any if them! The first time he got up was when the eldest was 2 years old and threw up everywhere and i needed hwlp clearing up! I bf all until they were 2 so he couldnt do much anyway. But he will hear me sing the sam fing song to each of them when they woke up as babjes each night and they associated it with sleep so it worked. That and its the only thing i could think of at 2 am 3 am 4am etc as i was exhauseted! Dh now helps with all kids but mainly because they get up and into bed with him!

Greyhorses · 01/10/2017 07:06

I think you need to find a better pattern of feeding as one of the person doing 'most' nights is very unfair be they male or female.

If my husband spoke to me like that I would be furious and find it really hard to forgive.

Adviceneeded123 · 01/10/2017 07:06

And to answer your aibu i wouldnt forgive you for a long time!! Its understandavle to be annoyed but the outburst you had! I would be icy with you for a few weeks! I may have clouded judgement though as i have been up with dc3 since 3 am and my fing song didnt work!

Footle · 01/10/2017 07:09

missarcher, under the arrangement you propose, when does the DH either sleep or get his me-time?

missarcher · 01/10/2017 07:11

@Footle plenty of woman sleep between night wake ups I'm sure her DH is just as capable of doing that. It comes across like the op may be getting PND and surely taking every step to ensure that doesn't happen is the most important thing.

TammySwansonTwo · 01/10/2017 07:25

I wish I could give you a hug because I have been here. At 4wpp I had one twin at home, one in the hospital, I was pumping every 2 hours day and night, I was so swollen I couldn't straighten my legs and had cellulitis in my knee. I was exhausted, I was scared, I was angry but most of all I had shocking PND and no idea that's what was happening. I would lose my shit over the tiniest things because I couldn't cope.

You know you were wrong, but it's amazing what happens to you when you're in this position. Pp hormones affect everyone differently and those saying it's no excuse clearly haven't experienced the extremity of a response that I did because I absolutely could not control my emotions, and not for want of trying.

We had so many stupid rows over stupid things after long and exhausting nights. I behaved badly, he behaved badly, it was not good. You need to apologise profusely and explain your reaction, and maybe have a chat with your GP or HV as I think you're aware that this is most definitely an overreaction. I'm sure he will forgive you, but I would be apologetic for a long time yet. Make it clear how much you appreciate his parenting too.

PippiLongstromp · 01/10/2017 07:31

@emmyrose2000 well as you can read from people's responses it is about half who have done something similar in a similar circumstance, so I'm not quite sure why it's so outrageous to you. You need to lighten up.

KarmaNoMore · 01/10/2017 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmyrose2000 · 01/10/2017 07:34

@PippiLongstromp
Lol. It's way more than half that are appalled at OP's behaviour. Perhaps you should tell them to lighten up too?

strawberrisc · 01/10/2017 07:41

I bet you wished you'd never asked now.

Hope you're ok.

MyOtherProfile · 01/10/2017 07:43

Oh dear OP hasn't come back. I hope they've managed to sort things out.

Groovee · 01/10/2017 07:47

I’m hoping you and DH have managed to talk this through. He’s most likely very tired too if he’s getting little sleep like you. It’s possibly his way of getting through it. If the roles were reversed people would be saying he was abusive and I think you were to him. You really need to be sorry and not just expect him to suck it up.

tinypop4 · 01/10/2017 07:49

The person on night shifts has the harder job. Getting up with a baby every hour is brutal, lonely and goes against your body's natural rhythms. He sounds extremely calm and a wonderful soother of little babies. You have over-reacted very very badly and I would be upset if I had been spoken to like that. When you have worked things out with DH, which I think you will, you need to find a way of getting a handle on your temper because there is probably a lot of sleepless nights and frustrating days to come.