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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

295 replies

BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 30/09/2017 19:16

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 30/09/2017 22:26

Be honest with yourself too about how you are feeling in yourself. Don't be afraid to make an appointment with your GP if you really aren't coping. PND is a real and very vicious illness. It certainly has the potential to cause us to act way out of character, and in extreme ways.

Topseyt · 30/09/2017 22:33

Unless you know the OP personally, I am not sure how anyone can say whether or not the vitriol is out of character.

Benefit of the doubt for someone who is in the midst of a very difficult adjustment (the newborn phase) anyone???

BakedBeans47 · 30/09/2017 22:37

Oh dear...you already know you were U and I dare say it will take a bit of time for him to lick his wounds and bounce back. Be kind to yourselves and each other, the early days with a new baby are bloody tough! Xxx

IndianaMoleWoman · 30/09/2017 22:40

OP, let me just bypass the queue of posters that have lined up to tell you what a terrible, abusive person you are and how lucky you are that your DP helps you with his own child (Hmm) and say this: you will look back on this incident and laugh.

Four weeks postpartum is a dark, sleep-deprived time and neither of you are at your best. In fact, you're probably at your worst: exhausted, overwrought, the newborn adrenaline and novelty has worn off and the monotony and relentlessness has kicked in.

He needs time to deal with what you did and forgive you. You need to reassure him again that you are genuinely sorry and you don't mind what he says to calm the baby. Maybe you also need to get some earplugs for your nights "off" so you can sleep through whatever noise is going on.

You both need time. Right now it is raw. It will get better.

BakedBeans47 · 30/09/2017 22:42

You will look back on this incident and laugh.

Ha yes, this is also true! Xx

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 30/09/2017 22:43

Bloody hell, your Dhs a saint, he deserves a medal.

Fuck all the posts like this. The man is not a saint for looking after his own baby.

Jesus, standards are so low.

Idontevencareanymore · 30/09/2017 22:49

Honestly if my partner spoke to me that way they'd be finding a new partner.

Can you honestly say you'd have been OK with it if the shoe was turned? Also if you were a man the word abusive would have been mentioned.

JemimaLovesHamble · 30/09/2017 22:52

Fuck all the posts like this. The man is not a saint for looking after his own baby.

I was about to quote that post too. Imagine a world where women got awarded metaphorical medals for doing night feeds. The bar is set so fucking low for men. And so fucking high for women...

That said, yes OP you were U. You must be knackered right now and you're still recovering from the birth, which some people here on Mumsnet might want to remember before putting the boot in, but repetitive babbling is going to be a feature of your lives for the next 2 to 3 years, you'll just have to bite your tongue until you surrender to it too! Remember that he's not saying it to annoy you, he's saying it to try and soothe his baby.

pallisers · 30/09/2017 22:53

Honestly if my partner spoke to me that way they'd be finding a new partner.

Really? You'd give up on your relationship and take your 4 week old baby and move on. All because of one fight - not a constant stream of abuse or weeks of no support but just one fight. I'd say your partner would be well out of it rather than investing any more in such a fragile relationship.

NextIndia · 30/09/2017 22:55

You’re getting a really hard time here OP. You lost your shit and shouted at him. You didn’t whack him over the head with a frying pan! I’ve had many a middle of the night paddy at DH and he at me when we are not our best selves. It happens and you guys are only 4 weeks in. Normal rules don’t really apply in those first few weeks. You’re both going to be all over the place whilst you adjust to your new lives and routine and you need to be ready and willing to accept and forgive out of character behaviour. It sounds as though he’s been trying really hard and what you’ve said has really hurt his feelings though. I feel for you both, this bit is hard.

lelapaletute · 30/09/2017 22:58

ilovegin I wasn't actually referring to the OP in that one, just musing further on my previous post to that about how low the bar is set for men that this (really great sounding) DH's doing night feeds is seen by some as him in the running for a sainthood... sorry if it was a bit apropos nothing at all,I'm sleep deprived 😉

ilovegin112 · 30/09/2017 23:07

lelapaletute- no worries, I hope you get sleep soon x

KAT0779 · 30/09/2017 23:08

I did every single night feed from day one with our daughter. I would have been over the moon if DH had done just the odd one and I would certainly not mind him repeating phrases whilst doing so. I don't think you were unreasonable as such, having given birth 4 weeks ago, but think you should apologise.

rightnowimpissed · 30/09/2017 23:09

No her DH should never hAve been spoken to in that way regardless of how old the baby is, the person who is settling a baby should never be the focus of abuse for how they do this

KAT0779 · 30/09/2017 23:10

Sorry just re read your post and realised that you have apologised, I think he might need a bit of time to 'get over it' so I would just give him time x

lozzylizzy · 30/09/2017 23:23

I felt really harsh towards you but DH said he would feel just as annoyed as you op.

In his defense he did do major night duties especially with our last!

GlitterNails · 30/09/2017 23:37

I completely understand this, and think people are being a bit harsh. Sleep deprivation is the worst, and certain noises make me go from zero to rage in seconds. (Various reasons for this I won't go into here).

Now I've never screamed at anyone personally, but add in just having a baby and hormones flying - I can totally understand how it happened, and then immediately regretting it!

Obviously I'm not saying it's right, but surely there are times we've been unreasonable in life and then wanted to take it back.

Hope things feel better soon OP.

Sallystyle · 30/09/2017 23:51

As if anyone would leave their partner after a one off bad argument just after they have had a baby.

If OP has a history of this kind of behaviour then yes, the relationship should end but there is no evidence of this.

OP acted really horribly. It was uncalled for but some of the reactions are very OTT. And yes, I would say the same if the sex was reversed. I would not put up with shitty behaviour in my marriage but I would not end my marriage if this was the first time something like this has happened. Like it or not, hormone changes and tiredness probably did play a massive part. It doesn't mean it's ok to react that way but it can be a hard time and sometimes humans fuck up and react badly to that.

OP you need to give him time and make sure it doesn't happen again.

TheStoic · 01/10/2017 00:01

Not sure if you're coming back, OP.

Has he accepted your apology yet?

He sounds like the kind of guy who will. But an apology is not really genuine if there is a time frame on when you expect it to be accepted.

julf · 01/10/2017 00:47

I hope you're ok, OP Flowers Sorry you're having a hard time.

It sounds as if things aren't quite right with you (unless this is a normal reaction/behaviour for you?). I'd strongly recommend seeing your GP. In the first few weeks, postnatal hormones can do extraordinary things to a woman's mental health (1 in 7 women, I think it is). If you think something's up, even if it's mostly just little symptoms like noise-sensitivity or snapping unreasonably, please get help - there's lots of help out there. When I was a few weeks postpartum I had CBT (talking therapy) which was amazing.

Your husband sounds lovely, by the way. Look after each other.

And congratulations on the baby. The first few weeks are awful IME. But it gets better and better. Good luck!

Topseyt · 01/10/2017 02:01

Rightnow, I don't think you have even read the OP. It was the OP who spoke to her DH in that way. Not the other way around. The DH was trying to soothe the baby.

LiquoricePickle · 01/10/2017 02:29

I think that's she's probably got the message now. She already said it was unreasonable. I feel for you both. I feel sad for your husband that he'll feel undermined and unappreciated. I feel sad for you because your feelings are just too much for you right now. Tell him again bluntly that you were completely out of order, that you are really sorry and that you appreciate him and that he's a great dad, and then give him space.

Congratulations on your new baby.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 01/10/2017 02:33

He was looking after your kid and being kind when you’re both tired and fucked off .... you were an arsehole

MangosteenSoda · 01/10/2017 03:19

Ear plugs and sleeping in a room as far away from where baby is should be the order of the day for the parent not on duty. Being awake all night when 'off duty' means you're losing your marbles.

Apologise again and just let him know it's not about him, it's about you losing the plot through tiredness and the stress of having a new baby to adapt to. Some babies are really hard and it sounds like nights are tough for everyone in the house.

Reassure your DH that he's doing a great job. Lots of people have crazy arguments in the early days. Give him a bit of space and he will get over it soon.

Ohwhatbliss · 01/10/2017 04:18

It's so very hard having a new baby. Sounds like he is quite rightly doing his fair share, and you were v v unreasonable (which you know). I know how hard it is but try to be kind to each other, and in future try to bite your tongue and seethe inwardly instead! He's entitled to be in a huff for as long as he wants, you were very rude, but more grovelling in order I think