Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn't come home

243 replies

deezer19 · 30/09/2017 10:33

I know...there are probably threads about this every weekend. DH is very good, doesn't go out often and we love him to bits. He is hands-on, and involved, as a father should be. We have a 4 year old. Last night he went for drinks with work. Just after 11 texted to say he'd missed all trains and was staying at someone's house. He also promised to do all the weekend childcare to make up. Also fair enough. Except he said he'd be back in the morning and isn't here yet. I've not heard from him. Sent a WhatsApp to ask for an ETA and I know he's seen it, but he hasn't responded. So I'm starting to feel a bit put out especially as DS keeps asking where he is and when he will be home. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/09/2017 20:58

I don't necessarily think he cheated either

He might well have had a class A binge though , or drank to excess

And such is life reallly . Hope it improves xx

Seeyamonday · 30/09/2017 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Seeyamonday · 30/09/2017 21:12

Rudgie47!!!

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 30/09/2017 21:12

"It was a dumb thing to do, though I feel I should probably put it all into context by saying I reckon it is probably the 5th or 6th time he has gone out without me all year. The nights out are quite infrequent and this means he often goes a bit...crazy..."

Bit of a drip-feed there no?

No six times this year only equals about once every six or seven weeks but not exactly never to the point he wouldn't know that the trains stopped before eleven? And he goes a bit crazy? So excessive drinking is the norm on nights he goes out then? Again, no not every weekend but clear that when he goes out he binges to excess?

Not quite the picture painted in the op is it? A DH who drinks to excess whenever he goes out (and no, he doesn't need to, excessive drinking isn't a must if you only get to go out a few times a year,) and one who turns the tables on the OP when he fails to make it home because his excessive drinking (which is the norm when he goes out) went too far and he failed to make it home until half the weekend was over...

rightnowimpissed · 30/09/2017 21:26

Well I’d be worried! Btw my DH hasn’t been out without me since last Christmas for his works do and me ditto

rightnowimpissed · 30/09/2017 21:26

He came home too

MyOtherProfile · 30/09/2017 21:38

Hope you're ok OP. Had he apologised yet?

tippz · 30/09/2017 21:49

I am not being nasty, and am NOT trying to fuck up someone's marriage, but my bet is on the OP's husband being with anther woman.

As a few people have said, if he was alone (or just with a mate,) he would have answered quicker and been more re-assuring.

As someone suggested earlier, ask who the mate was, and say you want to contact him and thank him. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

I have seen and heard this scenario many times with women I know, and in every last case, their man has been cheating.

He was with another woman. Anyone who denies it is deluded.

tippz · 30/09/2017 21:50

I would be looking through EVERYthing for clues. Don't tell him you suspect.

Seeyamonday · 30/09/2017 21:51

My bet was no he bloody wasn't, back in your box tippy!!!!

Delatron · 30/09/2017 21:55

How long does it take to get home? You'd think he'd wake up and feel bad and get home quick sharp. 2pm is not on.... He spoke to you at 10.40? What did he do for the following 4 hours??

IncyWincyGrownUp · 30/09/2017 22:12

There's so much projection on here that we could open a massive cinemaplex with imax capabilities!

UnderCrackers5 · 30/09/2017 22:35

Get your Harpy T-Shirts here

Seeyamonday · 30/09/2017 22:42

I still stand by the delete message!! Get a fuckin grip!!!

Bobbins43 · 30/09/2017 22:51

Been following this for a little bit and am wondering if he ever did any of the childcare so the OP could have a break or try and apologise or make it up to her afterwards?

Original poster
deezer19 · 30/09/2017 23:17

Oh gosh I didn't realise I was doing drip-feeding! He's never done this before. Most of his friends live 3 hours from us. He sees them twice a year, three times maybe. Goes out with work colleagues occasionally and the rest of the time our socialising is mostly with (my) family because of geography - we are from opposite ends of the country.

He's fallen asleep ON a train several times, and often had to walk silly distances just to get home...we don't go out (to get drunk) often and I think he just got a bit carried away.

Bobbins yes, he did do childcare for the rest of the day and I'm having a lie-in tomorrow. Often on weekends he gets up before me anyway, as well.

To those convinced he is having an affair or doing class A drugs - definitely not.

OP posts:
rightnowimpissed · 30/09/2017 23:19

Oh Op I hope your tight and everything is fine from tomorrow on, though tell him he’s been a twit and to cut it out in future.

MrsPinkCock · 30/09/2017 23:37

Meh.

It's incredibly disrespectful to stay away overnight when you have a wife and DC at home and said you'd be coming back. It's also disrespectful to fail to look after the kids the next day when you said you would. And to fail to even send an update text the next day... Not OK.

DH regularly does the "I'll be home for 11" thing and rocks up 2 hours late, but when you're drinking time gets away from you and I sort of get that. But I'd be fuming if he missed the train due to drinking too much and then couldn't even be arsed to get in touch the next morning. Not the sort of bloke I'd want to be with and if he pulled that shit I'd send him to his mothers when he eventually turned up at home!

Beeziekn33ze · 01/10/2017 00:26

Deezer - enjoy your lie in and have a good day with your DS and DH tomorrow. Bear I mind that everyone on here posts from their own experience and agenda and we don't know you or your DH.
My DB and his DP both have been carried away on occasional (separate) nights out and given the other a worried sleepless night, Everyone wishes they wouldn't and hopes they'll grow out of it.

Threenme · 01/10/2017 01:26

Literally cannot cope with the dramatics on this thread. He got pissed missed a train and avoided coming home until his headache cleared. Wow! Not exactly the end of the world. Do not get how it means he's cheating.
Dh and I have always kept our independence, gone on hol with friends, nights out etc as we got together v young. We still do all this things.
I would add when one of us goes out the other one has the kids to entertain the next day. When I go out and wake up hungover dh has often disappeared with kids, I do same for him. Why do people want to punish people they love for having fun and a life? When you have kids opputunities to go out on an adult night are few. We just let each other be. Certainly wouldn't be offering a weekend childcare in penance!

Gemini69 · 01/10/2017 02:01

the OP began this Thread... she opened this door... Flowers

cluelessnewmum · 01/10/2017 04:21

Wow, there's a lot of overreaction on this thread in my opinion.

My dh did this recently, night out and missed last train. Let me know, turned up at 1pm but in a decent state and then was hands on with dc rest of day. I'd prefer that then him getting back earlier but hanging because he'd not had enough sleep.

Did I start rifling around to find evidence of an affair - no

Did I break his balls for having fun and making a mistake - no

If it was every week obviously that's different. I'm not a pushover but he is a good provider in a stressful job and a blow out every now and then is a release for him, it's not a big issue to me.

TheCatsMother99 · 01/10/2017 05:09

I've done this before, missed the last train home for whatever reason (didnt realise the time, got the time of last train wrong, train was cancelled - can you tell I've done this a few times?!) and had to stay at friends', it happens.

I sincerely hope my DH didn't think I was in the arms of another man when really the only warm (ish) thing I would have been clutching that night was another bottle of merlot in the bar because I might as well.

Yes, it's annoying and thoughtless to have not text more regularly but, come on! The posters here convinced he's having an affair need to stop making accusations about someone they don't know.

Schmoopy · 01/10/2017 06:21

Btw my DH hasn’t been out without me since last Christmas for his works do and me ditto

Seriously?

My exh and I used to go out all the time without each other. We went out together as well, but it's really important to have your own friends, your own freedom and your own life.

I would insist on it in any relationship I had.

I cannot imagine how stifling it would be to only socialise with my partner!

Schmoopy · 01/10/2017 06:42

As a few people have said, if he was alone (or just with a mate,) he would have answered quicker and been more re-assuring.

Or maybe he just didn't realise he was on trial by Mumsnet and hadn't read the approved "Correct Response Guidance For Men".

Or maybe he doesn't have a guilty conscience and so felt no reason to do anything.

Or maybe he felt like shit, hoped he'd be home early, was a little over optimistic and fell back to sleep. Or was just procrastinating a bit, having a chat and drinking coffee. Does it really matter?

He was with another woman. Anyone who denies it is deluded.

Unless you were the 'other woman' he was with, you simply cannot state this with any certainty, or credibility.

I'm sorry but if it was me I'd be kicking him out.

Or you could, you know, just have a conversation...

Personally, I don't think going out 5 or 6 times without his wife is a great crime. I would go out more frequently than that without my partner and would be happy with the same. I'd probably prefer he didn't get outrageously drunk every time, but that's for health reasons rather than any 'fear' or 'outrage'. I wouldn't stand for being policed. I'm an adult.

I know from past experience that your partner/husband not going out without you is no guarantee that they won't cheat on you. If they want to, they will find a way. Why the need to keep someone on such a short leash?