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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn't come home

243 replies

deezer19 · 30/09/2017 10:33

I know...there are probably threads about this every weekend. DH is very good, doesn't go out often and we love him to bits. He is hands-on, and involved, as a father should be. We have a 4 year old. Last night he went for drinks with work. Just after 11 texted to say he'd missed all trains and was staying at someone's house. He also promised to do all the weekend childcare to make up. Also fair enough. Except he said he'd be back in the morning and isn't here yet. I've not heard from him. Sent a WhatsApp to ask for an ETA and I know he's seen it, but he hasn't responded. So I'm starting to feel a bit put out especially as DS keeps asking where he is and when he will be home. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Lilifer · 30/09/2017 14:29

OP update pleassssseeee! Is he home yet or what?!
I could forgive possibly as a once off the whole missing the last train thing but not making it his business to get his arse back home asap the next day and not keeping you in the loop is inexcusable and disrespectful behaviour.😕

RonSwansonsMoustache · 30/09/2017 14:29

it is fine to go out and have fun from time to time.

Of course it is. But going out, not coming home when you said you would, ignoring messages from your partner and not coming home until mid-afternoon the following day is a shitty way to behave.

It isn’t hard to ring and say “look, plans have changed, I’ll crash at B’s and get the 10am train”. It’s crap to go out, get smashed, ignore your partner and leave them doing all the childcare while you get to recover in peace.

It’s not the going out that’s the issue, it’s the total lack of consideration to your partner and your child!

ShellyBoobs · 30/09/2017 14:32

He's with someone.

sorry. xx

Is it you? How the fuck can you possibly know, otherwise?

You're a GF.

sorry xx

ilovesooty · 30/09/2017 14:33

Well said Shelly

PrimalLass · 30/09/2017 14:34

It’s not the going out that’s the issue, it’s the total lack of consideration to your partner and your child!

Yes he should be in touch, but the LTB brigade just want a long thread to obsess over. In the scheme of things, it is just one little f up.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 30/09/2017 14:37

Even if if this was just a drunken night the fact that people just say that it's a one off and perfectly ok to get so smashed that you abdicate all responsibility for family life until such time as you feel like coming home have clearly set the bar particularly low in their relationships.

Added to which he's said that he'll take over the childcare all weekend and it's already mid afternoon on Saturday, added to which he shouldn't have to offer to do childcare for his own children.

Also, when OP spoke to him he was going to be home within an hour, so doesn't live that far away then? I'd assume that the OP and the "friend" he stayed with don't both live on the station doorsteps of their respective towns so allowing ten/fifteen minutes to get between house/station at either end plus a maximum half hour train journey and he couldn't make it home last night? Really?

Going out and planning to be out late so staying over at a friend's, fine. Going out and getting so drunk you can't make it home and then giving a last minute call to your partner to say you're not coming home absolutely not ok not even as a one off. Because these one-offs always start with one, and then another, and another.... etc.

Original poster
deezer19 · 30/09/2017 14:39

Well, he has just come home. I said I don't mind him staying out or missing the train - it happens - but that I was upset about the non contact. He said he didn't know where his colleague's house was, or when he would get back, to which I responded that we all have National Rail Enquiries on our phones. He said his colleague worked out the trains for him and I reminded him that we'd spoken at 10.40am and it was now past 2pm, and that if it was me, I would have at least updated to tell him what train I would be on.

Then he said it was the same as me going to my mum's to give DS tea and not leaving a note so that when he got home from work he didn't know where we were. I have done this once or twice, but my folks live 5 minutes away, and we have never ever been home before usual bathtime. That's not the same as 3 hours of no contact is it?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 30/09/2017 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yukbuck · 30/09/2017 14:40

Elendon

He's with someone.

sorry. xx

Please grow up. What a horrible thing to say. How do you know he's with someone?

In fact... he is with someone... a work colleague who the op has met.

Honestly. The amount of people saying things like this is really sad and you obviously have insecurities on relationships if you think something like this automatically equals cheating.

MaidOfStars · 30/09/2017 14:41

Hilarious overreactions from some here. I have, on occasion, stayed out all night (although not for a year or so now). I am a woman and 40.

Late cocktails, back to someone's house, thoughts of taxis after this 'one last drink' turn to 'oh, just a little kip on the sofa'. I always text where I am. I've managed to never have sex.

BlueRabbitWasNaughty · 30/09/2017 14:41

he just went out and got drunk, nothing suspicious about that if he's a decent guy. My dh and I are old enough to know better but we've both done it.... and struggled to travel with the stinking hangover the next day.

MadamePomfrey · 30/09/2017 14:43

Popping to your mums for tea is not the same as this. If he had text you and asked where you were you would have replied yes? He knew you were waiting for him to get back ok maybe he didn’t know how long it would take but seriously it’s takes seconds to send a text sorry train will take longer thank I thought! It’s disrespectful and he should apologise!

Original poster
deezer19 · 30/09/2017 14:43

Oops. I meant that me and DS have never been home later than bathtime - 6.30ish. Which is often when DH gets home from work so he has never been left waiting more than 10 mins.

OP posts:
Mamabear4180 · 30/09/2017 14:44

I don't really understand why you don't communicate with your OH better op? Why do you think calling twice is needy? It sounds like you're afraid to be a nag so maybe he doesn't realise this has even bothered you.

I don't think I'd be worried by 10.30am if my partner said he was going to be out for the night but I suppose everyone is different that way. You said he's lovely, do you trust him 100%?

PandorasXbox · 30/09/2017 14:46

I'd be a bit suspicious tbh if this isn't normal behaviour from him. Especially given he didn't give the name of the person he stayed with last night but referred to him as "kind folks".

SouthWindsWesterly · 30/09/2017 14:46

Nope. It isn't.

1/ I presume you're not drunk when giving tea to your DS
2/ it's 5 minutes away
3/ you're not over two hours late
4/ I presume you'd answer your phone
5/ if over 2 hours late, you'd probably call
7/ there's hardly any time left over for weekend childcare as he promised.
8/ he's too hung over for weekend childcare
9/ he's talking shit

RonSwansonsMoustache · 30/09/2017 14:50

I don’t think it’s suspicious - I just think it’s shitty not to keep in touch if you’re going to be later than you planned.

He went out and had too much to drink (fine), chose to stay at a friends (fine) but instead of coming home the next morning, he took 3-4 hours to get back (when he told his partner he’d be an hour or so) and didn’t bother to let her know he’d be so late.

It’s just inconsiderate, especially when there’s a small child involved. There’s nothing wrong with going out drinking, but it’s not nice to leave your partner in limbo as to your whereabouts or when you’ll come back, especially when they’ve got a small child to look after in your absence.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 30/09/2017 14:51

So already he's minimising his behaviour. Already he's blaming you for the way he behaved last night/this morning "it's no different to getting home and you being at your mum's without leaving a note." Does he demand to know where you are at all times then? Leaving a note? Is that something he would expect?

Last night he was apologetic and promising a weekend of all the childcare. This afternoon he's blaming you and it's already mid afternoon so half the weekend has already gone.

Nope, my initial suspicion hasn't changed in fact it's deepened. And I am absolutely not usually of the suspicious kind. But it seems he's already laying the groundwork to make you responsible for what he does.

And no of course I wouldn't suggest ltb. But neither would I be blindly believing that this was a one off drunken night which should just be swept under the carpet after his reaction the next day.

Zeelove · 30/09/2017 14:55

He's taken the piss big time. I personally think it sounds like he's had a one night stand. But even if he hasn't , he's till taking the piss

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2017 14:55

In the context of he's already stayed out all night that response is pretty bloody rude. Next weekend I would just do my own thing and
If he expected comms I'd say 'oh I didn't realise we still told each other plans, I thought we just went awol. Anyway I'm off for coffee, bye!'

Elendon · 30/09/2017 14:55

I no longer have a relationship because my ex of 20 years did exactly this.

HTH. It's not an over reaction.

If they don't answer the phone they are with someone. If I found myself in deep doodoo and not being able to get home, the first thing I'd do is reassure my partner, especially if they were looking after our children. It's not a huge task or ask.

Bollocks to battery loss as well. I'd be ringing on my friend's phone.

It's total disrespect and it's totally having a fun night with someone else.

Wishingandwaiting · 30/09/2017 14:55

It's not the same at all OP.

It's the nonsense spouted by someone very hungover.

You began this thread telling us how lovely he is. If he is, then let this go. Move on. Silly one off.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/09/2017 14:57

Gaslighting.

JemimaLovesHamble · 30/09/2017 14:58

Some posters like to do this, they absolutely relish splitting up relationships in the hopes you'll come back with an "I've left him" thread, then they can really get their jollies.

It's more that when you've read your 250th "OMG my wonderful husband who I trusted so much has cheated on me and I'm heartbroken" thread you tend to get a little bit jaded.

And he's so wonderful yet he's telling her that him conking out on someone's sofa and not reappearing till afternoon the next day is the same as her going to her parents for tea. Don't we call that gaslighting?

sharklovers · 30/09/2017 14:58

Sounds like someone got some pussy last night! Seems dodgy as fuck!