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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH didn't come home

243 replies

deezer19 · 30/09/2017 10:33

I know...there are probably threads about this every weekend. DH is very good, doesn't go out often and we love him to bits. He is hands-on, and involved, as a father should be. We have a 4 year old. Last night he went for drinks with work. Just after 11 texted to say he'd missed all trains and was staying at someone's house. He also promised to do all the weekend childcare to make up. Also fair enough. Except he said he'd be back in the morning and isn't here yet. I've not heard from him. Sent a WhatsApp to ask for an ETA and I know he's seen it, but he hasn't responded. So I'm starting to feel a bit put out especially as DS keeps asking where he is and when he will be home. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

overnightangel · 30/09/2017 14:06

I'm sure some people have "Screaming red flag!" saved so it's easier to copy and paste at every opportunity .

No reason to worry yet imho

SonicBoomBoom · 30/09/2017 14:07

It's definitely not 'needy' to text your awol husband to wonder where the fuck he is!

youarenotkiddingme · 30/09/2017 14:07

I wouldn't text again.

I'd make sure I made a lovely late lunch of lovely foods and make sure I was serving it up as he walked in. Of course not enough for him to have any!

"Oh sorry. You'd said an hour but when you hadn't turned up I decided to go ahead with lunch anyway and just have it late"

ilovesooty · 30/09/2017 14:08

overnightangel you're probably right there. Don't they think how their agenda affects other people?

LindyHemming · 30/09/2017 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangosteenSoda · 30/09/2017 14:12

I'd assume steaming hangover.

Give him full childcare tomorrow and have a relaxing day for yourself.

If you're really worried there's more to it, do as a pp suggested and mention to him that it would be nice to invite Mr and Mrs Unexpected Hosts over to your place for drinks/dinner. Gauge his reaction to that.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 30/09/2017 14:12

Besides, if you kick off now, it'll ruin the whole weekend.

Nope - him staying out all night and not coming home when he said he would has ruined the weekend. OP is quite rightly fucked off that she’s been left holding the fort at home while he recovers from his hangover in peace.

She has every right to be angry. He has a young child at home - the days of going out all night and not coming home until mid afternoon the next are when he hasn’t planned it in advance are long gone.

People seem to excuse all sorts of piss poor behaviour on here. There’s nothing wrong with going out and getting drunk, or staying out all night, or not coming home until 3pm so long as your partner is okay with it. When you have a child, you can’t just fuck off and leave the other parent to do it all “because you lost track of time” or “wanted to blow off steam”.

User041011 · 30/09/2017 14:12

As others have said, it's very irresponsible and a knobby thing to do. A woman would never ever do that. But.... don't assume he's cheating

melj1213 · 30/09/2017 14:13

IME you only ever stay out and sleepover because you’ve met someone as are guaranteed to get laid

I would assume not coming home meant having spent the night with another woman. And I would assume that even more so if it's a one off.

Why are you with someone if you can't even trust they are telling the truth about missing their bus/train as a one off?

Unless they were showing some other signs of being unfaithful or it was a regular thing, if my partner ever said "Sorry missed the last train home, crashing with a friend, be back in the morning! x" then my first instinct would be to trust they were being honest and think they were an idiot for missing the last bus/train not assuming they were cheating!

Being cynical, I'd double check when the last train was. Just after 11pm seems early for the trains to have stopped, unless there was an incident. Could he not have got a taxi or a bus?

Not everyone lives in a city where post-11pm public transport is standard. I live in a rural town, the last train to the next town over on Friday and Saturday is at 23:27 but the last train from the other town to here is 22:42 ... so if we go out in my town my friends can get home after 11pm, but if we go out in my friend's town then I either have to be at the station for the last train, spend £35 on a taxi, or crash on my friend's sofa. If it's a weekend then there is one last bus back to my town at 23:58 but it takes the country lanes - so it takes over an hour for what is usually a 10/15 minute journey on the direct route via A roads - and terminates at the town centre which is the closest stop to my house but still means 20 minute walk, alone, through town at 1am (when all the pubs/clubs close so taxis are scarce)

If we're just having a "couple of drinks after work and a catch up" kind of night then getting the last train is rarely a problem but sometimes we have been sitting having post-dinner drinks and I've suddenly realised it's 22:30 and I'm not going to make the last train home as it leaves in 12 minutes and I'm 20 minutes away. If there was something important I had to be home for (eg it was my week with DD and I had a babysitter looking after her) or I had an appointment the following morning then I'd suck up the £35 fare and order a taxi (which would still usually require a wait at that time) or risk the bus gauntlet. If I didn't have to be home, I'd crash with a friend and it would be nothing more than the most convenient option.

MadamePomfrey · 30/09/2017 14:14

I wouldn't text again. I would completely ignore him till he gives you an apology for his behaviour. Not the getting drunk and missing the train, and if you haven't had any inkling of an affair up till now I doubt it's that. But the lack of respect he has shown you today not letting you know what is going on where he is, is not ok. Sort yourself out and leave him too it, make sure he dose the early morning tomorrow too, or even better take yourself out for the day!

NameChangeFamousFolk · 30/09/2017 14:14

I'd make sure I made a lovely late lunch of lovely foods and make sure I was serving it up as he walked in. Of course not enough for him to have any!

I'm always baffled by this sort of ploy to 'teach him a lesson.' I can't imagine anyone coming through the door after a night out on the booze and thinking; ' 'Hmm...a plate of smoked salmon...almost finished...by God, I'll never drink my arse off again.'

I'd be too busy simply asking him where the fuck he'd been until this time.

No red flags for me OP. I'm sure your otherwise decent DH is just feeling like shit and hopefully will reassure you once he's home.

notacooldad · 30/09/2017 14:19

As others have said, it's very irresponsible and a knobby thing to do. A woman would never ever do that.

Is that a fact?

User041011 · 30/09/2017 14:21

notacooldad

Yes it is, about as factual as your username

Yukbuck · 30/09/2017 14:22

If it's a one off I'd give the benefit of the doubt. It's not nice that he's leaving you too it for most of the day but try not to let it bother you too much.
I'd also not assume he's been up to no good. People miss trains. It's life! His mate offered him to stay so he probably just ended up drinking too much and is now really hungover. How did he seem on the phone?

Albatross26 · 30/09/2017 14:22

Bloody hell it's hardly needy to want to know where the fuck your dp is! How bloody rude of him. If it was me I'd text dp to explain I'd be later than I said

birdiebirdiewoofwoof · 30/09/2017 14:22

I'd be getting pissed off by now that 'sorry, I'll do all the weekend childcare' apparently meant 'at some point when I can be arsed to get back' rather than, you know, all weekend. On the other hand if he's very hungover he'd probably be fairly useless anyway.

I can perfectly imagine getting stranded and crashing with colleagues without there being anything more sinister behind it, though! I live in what is technically a city but the last bus back to my area is at 22.30. I'd generally choose to get a cab, but if I lived further out the cost would be a bit much. I've started working in the next town over and am already wondering how I'll get back from the work night out that's planned for a few weeks' time.

sunseptember · 30/09/2017 14:22

Is he home yet op

Lenl · 30/09/2017 14:23

RonSwanson has it right. If you have young kids then fucking off all night is a selfish, shitty thing to do. To compound that by not getting home as soon as you can in the morning makes you a total fuckwit.

People who do this are selfish and I presume the people who are defending this behaviour are the people who do it - and are therefore selfish and genuinely can't see the problem.

Or are falling over themselves to be Cool Girls. Who knows.

He's decided to opt out of parenting for a day, like so many men do, and it's shit. If you need space, plan it. Everyone needs space from their kids. Let your hair down, let off steam, whatever. But don't just basically shit on your partner by just leaving them to pick up the slack unexpectedly.

Narnia72 · 30/09/2017 14:23

I'd definitely text him and I'd be pissed off too. I don't think any of this means he's been unfaithful or doing drugs, but if I'd had an unplanned overnight stay (and to whoever said women never do it, I've done it), I've texted to let DH know, and got back asap.

If I've got the hangover from hell I would ring and say would you mind if I didn't crawl home until I felt better, or I would just crawl home and suck it up. Mind you, the only person whose house I crash at also has small children, so not much chance of recovering from a hangover in peace there either.

So, after all my waffle - wouldn't be pissed off about him staying out, would be pissed off about the lack of communication. Not ok to say he'd be home in an hour and then not be, and without explanation.

PrimalLass · 30/09/2017 14:23

People seem to excuse all sorts of piss poor behaviour on here.

And others over react over something fairly innocuous.

As others have said, it's very irresponsible and a knobby thing to do. A woman would never ever do that.

I did. Got pissed, didn't want to get last train, stayed out until late, went back to a friend's flat. Came home the next day. No one died and it is fine to go out and have fun from time to time.

youarenotkiddingme · 30/09/2017 14:24

The meal wouldn't be a ploy to teach a lesson more so that life goes on without him.

My ex used to go out a lot and be like this. It annoyed him when I stopped sitting around waiting and caring. It annoyed him when he then had to do his own laundry because I'd done it and he'd not been home and out stuff in basket. It annoyed him when dinner wasn't served because he'd decided to turn up at what was usually dinner time.

Turns out he was a cheat. I think if he wasn't he'd have stopped doing it but as it was he soon learnt I wasn't going to be a good nice wifey and be at his beck and call - that hurt and bewildered him the most. He HATED that I stopped caring about his behaviour.

Elendon · 30/09/2017 14:25

He's with someone.

sorry. xx

caoraich · 30/09/2017 14:26

My OH does this from time to time and I usually get a bleary begging phone call for me to come and rescue him from the sofa of whichever kind soul has ended up letting him stay. It's always been someone I know or have at least heard of and I've never had any suspicions of anything untoward. At least it gets him home earlier than if he had to sober up enough to cope with the bus and I too have reciprocally been collected!

But thinking about it the other way- what do you think his reaction would be if you just offered to come and pick him up? Assuming that's possible for you, that is.

Crunchymum · 30/09/2017 14:28

Well one as all for giving him the benefit of the doubt but to still not be home is taking the piss.

If you have an impromptu stay with someone who has a partner / family then surely you leave asap the following day?

Crunchymum · 30/09/2017 14:29

I was one for giving him the benefit of the doubt.

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