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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn't come home

243 replies

deezer19 · 30/09/2017 10:33

I know...there are probably threads about this every weekend. DH is very good, doesn't go out often and we love him to bits. He is hands-on, and involved, as a father should be. We have a 4 year old. Last night he went for drinks with work. Just after 11 texted to say he'd missed all trains and was staying at someone's house. He also promised to do all the weekend childcare to make up. Also fair enough. Except he said he'd be back in the morning and isn't here yet. I've not heard from him. Sent a WhatsApp to ask for an ETA and I know he's seen it, but he hasn't responded. So I'm starting to feel a bit put out especially as DS keeps asking where he is and when he will be home. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 30/09/2017 15:55

I too think this thread is a bit overdramatic.

I have actually done this myself, twice. Admittedly, it was before kids, but twice I stayed at friends as missed train home, then came home late the next day. He probably didn't contact and he was hungover/feeling guilty. The fact someone has written about him 'getting pussy', it grim. OP has said he's generally a good guy.

OP, he was a dick, and he deserves to know it, but that clearly doesn't mean he is cheat.

Original poster
deezer19 · 30/09/2017 15:58

Thank you, pretty sure he would never cheat. It's more the forgetting to text at any point today with an update that has annoyed me. And only saying sorry when prompted.

He is usually very thoughtful I hasten to add...

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 30/09/2017 16:02

Even if if this was just a drunken night the fact that people just say that it's a one off and perfectly ok to get so smashed that you abdicate all responsibility for family life until such time as you feel like coming home have clearly set the bar particularly low in their relationships.

Nope. We've just been together long enough to know that not every mistake requires huge outrage.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 30/09/2017 16:15

Sorry about all the phone typos!

SweetIcedTea · 30/09/2017 16:27

Unfortunately, lots of us have experience of having a husband we were convinced would never cheat, who cheated.

2littlemoos · 30/09/2017 16:35

No one knows what did or didn't happen but it's a shame some posters can't be a little more sensitive if they think OP's partner did cheat. And I'm quoting:

"...someone got some pussy!".

How disgusting and insensitive. There are more gentle ways of sharing your opinion.

youarenotkiddingme · 30/09/2017 16:46

I agree some of the posts are very insensitive.

Fwiw despite my ex cheating I don't think the OPs did.
I think he had a few too many and is defensive because he knows he's wrong. Most adults don't want to be dressed down by another adult for their behaviour- whether they were wrong or not!

When my ex cheated he was full of remorse and the most doting partner and would clean the house from top to bottom.
(I use 'remorse' lightly)

Livelovebehappy · 30/09/2017 16:57

Wouldn't worry if just happened this once, but you have to give him a little bit of a hard time just so he knows it won't be acceptable to make it a regular thing.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 30/09/2017 17:00

2littlemoos Agreed. I don't think I've read something so revoltingly insensitive on here in a long time. For some people, Mumsnet is all about the drama, and they forget there are real people with real lives the other side of their screens. Pathetic really.

NotAgainYoda · 30/09/2017 17:15

Really inconsiderate. And his turning it back on you is shitty.

gibdib · 30/09/2017 17:22

I wasn't suspicious until he was over justifying his late return. Some people on here are really over-dramatic and rude!

Mustang27 · 30/09/2017 17:24

This is utterly bizarre behaviour. Too miss the train fair enough but to not be on the earliest train home. It’s ridiculous, I’d be doing some snooping if I was you.

youhavetobekidding · 30/09/2017 17:28

If he's usually considerate and caring, and this is a one off, I'd cut him some slack. You've let him know how you feel, so hopefully it won't happen again

Mary1935 · 30/09/2017 17:44

Hi hope you have let him take over all the childcare - can you go out and come back later tonight - just leave him to it - hopefully it's a one off.

waltonbornandbred · 30/09/2017 17:53

The best thing to do with this is let it go.

He's probably feeling guilty and thus defensive so didn't keep you updated.

However, monitor behaviour, bank statements, credit cards, emails (?) very closely for a while.

You'll soon know if 'something's' happened & is ongoing.

Even if it has, if it's a one-off mistake (it rarely is), forget it.

Jasminedes · 30/09/2017 18:02

Well he missed a large chunk of 'all the weekend childcare'. I would make a point of either sitting down with a large coffee for several hours or getting engrossed in a task.

Cessj · 30/09/2017 18:06

SweetIcedTea

Unfortunately, lots of us have experience of having a husband we were convinced would never cheat, who cheated.

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. DW to a serial cheater, whom I never in my wildest dreams believed would stray...

That said, I'm not going to automatically assume that the OP's DH strayed

Seeyamonday · 30/09/2017 18:12

Sit him down, tell him you're upset about the lack of contact, put your little one to bed, have a nice meal, a glass of wine and get on with living your life. He made a mistake and the harpies on here would love nothing more than to see a post saying "I left him, have I done the right thing". Put it behind you X

SweetIcedTea · 30/09/2017 18:44

cessj I'm not suggesting that either, it's just that this is a familiar story to me and I'm sure others, who also thought their other half would never cheat.

Crunchymum · 30/09/2017 19:04

I am sure he didn't cheat.

He was a fucking rude, arsehole about it though.

You don't roll in at 2pm the following afternoon from an Impromptu / last minute overnight stay. You get your arse home first thing.

It doesn't mean he cheated, it does mean he was an inconsiderate dick.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 30/09/2017 19:40

IME you only ever stay out and sleepover because you’ve met someone as are guaranteed to get laid

was he shagging or snorting? I suspect it'd be either or (and if not actually doing it, wanting to with someone)

In answer @NotAgainYoda yes some posters did.

LIZS · 30/09/2017 19:43

Agree crunchy. He should have felt embarrassed about missing his train and made every effort to remedy it first thing, not at his leisure with excuses about not knowing whereabouts he was. There is always a way of getting home if that was a priority for him.

Original poster
deezer19 · 30/09/2017 20:05

Thanks again for the replies, especially the reassuring ones! It was nice to have people to 'talk' to whilst stewing on my own.

It was a dumb thing to do, though I feel I should probably put it all into context by saying I reckon it is probably the 5th or 6th time he has gone out without me all year. The nights out are quite infrequent and this means he often goes a bit...crazy...

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 30/09/2017 20:21

Every time this has happened to people I know the man has slept with someone.Eventually the other partner does get to find out because it only takes 1 person who knows to tell you, or he'll trip himself up.
Sorry but I'd say he was lying and BS you.I've been out on loads of nights out and not one man hasnt returned home just because he was too drunk, they have all been shagging a colleague. Even the married ones with kids, it doesnt matter.
I'm sorry but if it was me I'd be kicking him out.

Lilifer · 30/09/2017 20:45

Yes I think that the casual approach he took to returning home this morning (and not actually making it home till mid afternoon) certainly shows a level of disrespect towards OP which if it didn't manifest itself in infidelity this time around, could well do so in the future.