Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn't come home

243 replies

deezer19 · 30/09/2017 10:33

I know...there are probably threads about this every weekend. DH is very good, doesn't go out often and we love him to bits. He is hands-on, and involved, as a father should be. We have a 4 year old. Last night he went for drinks with work. Just after 11 texted to say he'd missed all trains and was staying at someone's house. He also promised to do all the weekend childcare to make up. Also fair enough. Except he said he'd be back in the morning and isn't here yet. I've not heard from him. Sent a WhatsApp to ask for an ETA and I know he's seen it, but he hasn't responded. So I'm starting to feel a bit put out especially as DS keeps asking where he is and when he will be home. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Lenl · 30/09/2017 15:01

I truly can't understand the people saying this is ok? They seem to be wilfully missing the point. It's not the going out/the drinking/even the staying over that's much of a problem. It's the rudeness of not being in touch, not giving updates, and actually ignoring messages. Add to that now minimising and trying to turn it around. It's a shitty way to treat someone. If you love and respect your partner you don't leave them in limbo like that, hungover or not.

People who do this regularly seem to conflate the non-communication issue with the going out issue, loudly declaring that one needs to let ones hair down... It's perfectly possible to do this without treating your partner like shit.

I8toys · 30/09/2017 15:02

Selfish fecker. Yes go out but be mature about it and don't mess your partner around. You've another child to worry about by the sounds of it.

PalmerViolets · 30/09/2017 15:02

No it isn't Hmm

ilovesooty · 30/09/2017 15:03

Good grief. His behaviour might have been inconsiderate and rude but the assumptions here are staggeringly unpleasant.

Trampoline11 · 30/09/2017 15:04

Are you ok OP?

CakesRUs · 30/09/2017 15:04

Trying to push it back on you is shitty. Yanbu.

ifonly4 · 30/09/2017 15:06

OP, sorry I also it's suspicious and I'd be checking out train times. My DH likes a drink and comes home worse for wear, but he always comes home. He's had the odd planned night away and even if he's been drinking, he always phoned me by 8.30am (not one for having a lye in mid you even after late night).

minipie · 30/09/2017 15:11

He's been a twat and I suspect he knows it but instead of being a grown up and apologising he's going all defensive. DH does this too, I have to remind him about the effectiveness of an apology.

Fwiw I think his behaviour today makes it less likely he had a ONS. If he had something to hide I reckon he'd have got home earlier and behaved more apologetically...

Original poster
deezer19 · 30/09/2017 15:13

Trampoline - yes, I'm ok thank you. I just feel as though the whole weekend has been a bit spoiled now. Had he been apologetic when he came in, or at least given me a hug, I would be less pissed off. But his opening words were (bright and breezy voice): Hi, gang!

OP posts:
Buck3t · 30/09/2017 15:20

IME you only ever stay out and sleepover because you’ve met someone as are guaranteed to get laid

Nonsense. DH and I put up a colleague of his a few years back. He slept on the sofa. They'd had a good night out. He woke up a little late - I don't even remember if he called his wife - and went home.

His missed the last train back and caught the last train home with DH. At the weekends our trains ran every 30 minutes so he was really late home. I hope she didn't think anything of it.

That said, your DH gaslighting is annoying as hell. He did wrong he should just own it!

retainertrainer · 30/09/2017 15:20

He sounds like a good husband and father. Yes he should have responded to your message but you knew he was safe-he'd explained he'd missed the train. Have a chat with him tonight but I wouldn't leave him in the dog house for too long if this is a one off.

Titsywoo · 30/09/2017 15:22

No way did he cop off with someone last night. If you were feeling guilty you'd rush home all apologetic. He just got pissed and stayed out.

WorkingBling · 30/09/2017 15:22

The staying out is not that big a deal if it's a once off. But the rudeness of coming in half way through the afternoon and acting like everything is fine is astounding. Having said that, my dh had been known to act like this when he knows he's in the wrong - it's a version of "offence is best defence". Usually he gets over it quickly.

Personally I'd be telling him that the lack of contact this morning and the rolling in three hours late is just completely unacceptable and that not only do I have no desire for a family weekend now, I am going out for the day on Sunday.

retainertrainer · 30/09/2017 15:24

Oh give the poor sod a break. He said he'd do the childcare for the rest of the weekend.

Trampoline11 · 30/09/2017 15:25

Glad you are ok. Are you just pleased he's home though? Just thinking - if you feel the weekend has been spoiled, what's the harm in asking who he did stay with, what has he been doing for the last few hours, did he have breakfast with the couple he stayed with, why so late etc. (It's hardly the same as going to your mum's is it?!) I would think it was quite simple to tell you what happened if it's innocent.

HughLauriesStubble · 30/09/2017 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thegirlupnorth · 30/09/2017 15:30

I don't believe a word of it. He's lying. Check his phone, check who he stayed with, say you want to send a bunch of flowers as a thank you for putting him up for the night. That way you'll need name, address etc.

I doubt he will let you do all that and if he doesn't there's your answer.

LuluJakey1 · 30/09/2017 15:31

Mine has been away at a work conference that started yesterday morning and was supposed to end at 12 today. It was an hour's drive away and he has just breezed in with 'Hi gang' too. I'm not grumbling today because it'll spoil tonight and tomorrow but I'll tell him on Monday morning before he goes to work so he can stew at work.

He 'got into a conversation with some of the governors' apparently, which I think I am supposed to be interested in. I'm not and I'm not even pretending to be. I have my 'You are mistaking me for someone who is interested' face on and he has suggested we all go out to tea. Wink

ilovesooty · 30/09/2017 15:31

Oh great. Another one.

ilovesooty · 30/09/2017 15:32

Sorry Lulu - cross post.

tribpot · 30/09/2017 15:34

So he arrived home at 2:40pm on a day when he said he would be doing childcare all day? Talk about taking the fucking piss.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 30/09/2017 15:38

Arfing at the person who seems to think that public transport packing in around 11pm is unusual. One can only assume they have little experience of living outside of major cities? Last train home for me is 11:05, and as a PP has pointed out, that has to factor in time for getting to the train station, through the ticket barriers and on to the platform. In practice that means my night out - if coming home by train - comes to an end at 10:30pm.

OP perhaps what you need to point out to your DH is that when you go out he knows exactly where you are and the amount of time he's left alone is minimal. There's a huge difference between that and rocking up over 14 hours late from when he'd originally planned to be home (prior to missing the trains). Then being almost 5 hours late from when he'd promised he'd be home.

I would also point out that you have no issue with him being out - that the problem is actually the dishonesty and making excuses instead of owning up. Mistakes happen and when you're hungover it's easy to lose track of time. But be honest about it - don't try and turn it round and say it's the same as going for tea at your Mum's, because quit frankly that's a pathetic load of bollocks!

graziemille · 30/09/2017 15:40

Give the OP a break! Some of you on here are winding the situation up too far. Her DH sounds a decent man who had a few drinks too many. Probably has the hangover from hell but will just have to pretend he doesn't.
So, he was lax in his communication. It happens. I know most of you would leave/kill/maim him............
Try and have a happy evening OP. Don't dwell. He sounds a good guy who made a mistake.

OnionKnight · 30/09/2017 15:44

Jesus, some of you seem to relish in the fact that you might be fucking up a complete strangers marriage.

overnightangel · 30/09/2017 15:53

My experience of this site in matters like this:

There are a lot of lovely people on here what want to help and offer genuine advice

There are a lot of people who want to project their own shit experiences onto someone whether relevant or not and either unwilling or unable to take each situation on its own merits, and subsequently give uneducated or frankly harmful advice.

This is the kind of thread the latter seem to thrive on.

Some frankly horrendous replies to the OP on here