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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH didn't come home

243 replies

deezer19 · 30/09/2017 10:33

I know...there are probably threads about this every weekend. DH is very good, doesn't go out often and we love him to bits. He is hands-on, and involved, as a father should be. We have a 4 year old. Last night he went for drinks with work. Just after 11 texted to say he'd missed all trains and was staying at someone's house. He also promised to do all the weekend childcare to make up. Also fair enough. Except he said he'd be back in the morning and isn't here yet. I've not heard from him. Sent a WhatsApp to ask for an ETA and I know he's seen it, but he hasn't responded. So I'm starting to feel a bit put out especially as DS keeps asking where he is and when he will be home. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

olympicsrock · 01/10/2017 08:07

To all those who say definitely an affair- what rubbish. I went out with work friends a few nights ago. Had a great time with people I like. Having fun, decided to stay over in town so I could get larrupped. Came home the next morning. Not a sniff of an affair and my DH wouldn't dream of suggesting it.

rightnowimpissed · 01/10/2017 08:17

My exh and I used to go out all the time without each other. We went out together as well, but it's really important to have your own friends, your own freedom and your own life

We do things together it’s not a crime, I don’t get this “oh I need my independence” thing what a load of rubbish, one of the reasons I married him was because I love spending time with him, we don’t have the need to go running about with other people that would be just weird.

Mustang27 · 01/10/2017 08:24

rightnowimpissed it’s not weird it’s just different to how you feel about your relationship. I love my hubby but I also like my free time away from him. Each to their own.

Crunchymum · 01/10/2017 08:28

So this wasn't a one off then?

See if someone does this once, it's really out of character and can be written off.

If they do this every few months / everytime they go out then it is a bit of a problem. It means every time your DH goes out you will be anxious and stressed about whether it is going to be an all night bender and what state he'll end up in. And that isn't fair on you. Who needs that shit?

Threenme · 01/10/2017 08:40

"we don’t have the need to go running about with other people that would be just weird".

Errr no it's not- it's normal! I quite like dh also but we have completely different hobbies for example. He's just booked a week going away with his friends to do it. (Obviously from reading mn I now know this will actually be more likely a drug fuelled orgy). But if he infact invited me I'd rather eat feet than go- I'd die of boredom.
I have also booked my holiday with my friends. If I invited him my bff's would have him removed from the plane- probably mid flight!!!
I look after my kids, as we all do, all year round to the best of my ability, I love my little jaunts- they keep us sane! We also both go away throughout the year without each other- him for dull hobby, away matches etc. Me just with my friends- because I just want to!!!
We also go on hol with kids, days out, seaside, lovely walks, enjoy each other's company. It's balance!

I will trust him until I have an actual reason not to. Not some poor f**r who just missed his train n hid from his hangover!

Imo there is 100% nothing wrong or weird with wanting your own life!

Threenme · 01/10/2017 08:45

cruncy
It means every time your DH goes out you will be anxious and stressed about whether it is going to be an all night bender and what state he'll end up in. And that isn't fair on you. Who needs that shit?

I disagree I'm afraid- if dh is out he's out, ditto me. No curfew no rules. Just have fun, be safe, see you when I see you". The kids are 100% safe and looked after by a responsible adult so who cares?
We both go out more that once every few months. I don't get anxious- I go to bed and go to sleep. I really don't get why people get so involved in a night out they aren't having!

PrimalLass · 01/10/2017 08:53

It means every time your DH goes out you will be anxious and stressed about whether it is going to be an all night bender and what state he'll end up in.

Why be anxious and stressed about it?

Schmoopy · 01/10/2017 08:59

one of the reasons I married him was because I love spending time with him, we don’t have the need to go running about with other people that would be just weird

Well... I don't recall "running about" with other people either.

I love spending time with all sorts of people, but I wouldn't want to spend my time with any one person exclusively.

I would find it incredibly stifling.

Why is retaining some 'independence' rubbish? You never know what the future will hold and, when I got married, I didn't cease to be me, with my preferences and my own interests. And neither did he.

We're no longer together, but I would expect to be able to do things on my own with anyone I was with.

Schmoopy · 01/10/2017 09:04

In fact, I have a boyfriend currently who really struggles with the fact that I see my friends and only see him once or twice a week. He is also a little bit of the "if you love someone then you want to spend all your time with them" mindset, which I just do not understand.

I know why he struggles with it, he'll get there. But if he doesn't, he will have to walk away from the relationship because I will NOT stop seeing my friends/going away with my friends/pursuing my hobbies because he is uncomfortable with it.

Threenme · 01/10/2017 09:06

Schmoppy
Red Flag
LTB!!!!

Delatron · 01/10/2017 09:11

I think both partners when out should make an effort to come home, whatever time that may be. If you've missed the last train, no taxis then that does happen and doesn't automatically scream affair. It's about what is usual for you and your partner.

I tend to go out early (say 5) and love my bed so much that I make sure I'm on a train about 11 so would be out of character for me to be out all night sleeping on a sofa.

DH similar in that he'll tend to get a über if
he's late as would want to be in his own bed and be around for the kids in the morning....

To rock in at 2pm with no contact would be really unusual for us but I know for others that would be par for the course. So you know your husband best..

WhatDoIDoAboutThisHmm · 01/10/2017 09:11

I know, Three...

Schmoopy · 01/10/2017 09:13

oops. Forgot I'd nc'd!

Crunchymum · 01/10/2017 09:16

Well the OP started a thread didn't she? So she obviously wasn't happy about the situation.

Her DH messed her about, and probably does similar everytime he goes out (5 or 6 times this year, her words were along the lines of he goes a little bit crazy) so I would imagine the pattern is forming. He goes out, says he'll be back at x time, misses last train / ends up at wrong station / gets too pissed and then suddenly her weekend is in the shit.

Did no-one read that that 4yo was asking where Dad was several hours before dad rocked up.

I'm with you guys, when DP goes out then he is out. If he has a late one or is pissed he'll take the couch. Other than an emergency I wouldn't contact him. But the OP posted because she was bothered about it?

Schmoopy · 01/10/2017 09:30

he goes a little bit crazy

I suppose we all have a difference understanding of what "goes a little bit crazy" means though, don't we?

Which is why there is so much projection and such varied responses.

PrimalLass · 01/10/2017 12:01

Did no-one read that that 4yo was asking where Dad was several hours before dad rocked up.

Just say, "Out and will be home later." My DP doesn't have to answer to our children.

PencilSkirt · 01/10/2017 12:33

For goodness sake, OP's husband's behaviour whilst selfish and inconsiderate is not indicative of cheating. We live in London where transport is extremely good but have had both male and female friends crash on the sofa when they've been too drunk to get home safely or when night buses would have taken them literally hours to get home.

In OP's shoes I'd be having a serious discussion with my partner about his behaviour, but without any other evidence I would certainly not be suspecting him of cheating. I realise that some posters have been hurt by people they would have never thought would be unfaithful, but its not a healthy assumption to make.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 01/10/2017 17:14

My thoughts exactly Primallass

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