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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn't come home

243 replies

deezer19 · 30/09/2017 10:33

I know...there are probably threads about this every weekend. DH is very good, doesn't go out often and we love him to bits. He is hands-on, and involved, as a father should be. We have a 4 year old. Last night he went for drinks with work. Just after 11 texted to say he'd missed all trains and was staying at someone's house. He also promised to do all the weekend childcare to make up. Also fair enough. Except he said he'd be back in the morning and isn't here yet. I've not heard from him. Sent a WhatsApp to ask for an ETA and I know he's seen it, but he hasn't responded. So I'm starting to feel a bit put out especially as DS keeps asking where he is and when he will be home. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
jaseyraex · 30/09/2017 12:43

Don't let all the untrusting partners on here cloud your judgement OP. It genuinely sounds like you have nothing to worry about and he was too busy nursing a hangover to get home first thing. I would have a pop at him for reading and not replying to your whatsapp (but I have a pop at anyone who does that!) but other than that, just make sure he has the kids for tomorrow or whenever suits you and go have a day or night out yourself.

PerspicaciaTick · 30/09/2017 12:54

Thursday nights used to be "got out after work, get pissed, kip on team leaders floor, turn up to work on Friday in yesterdays clothes" for the whole team on a pretty regular basis. Shagging didn't come into it, although team leader's DP was a saintly woman for tolerating us.

schmoopy · 30/09/2017 13:01

Blimey. I've gone out and unexpectedly crashed at someone's house before and I've never had sex as a result. Have I been doing it wrong?

If he's normally great, then this was probably just an error in judgement alcohol wise; a bit of freedom; and I think it's a bit unnecessary to say he 'ignored' the message. He might just as well have opened his eyes for long enough to check his phone and read the message and gone back to sleep. I've certainly done that.

I tend to just think "they know I've read it and will reply when I can". I get very irritated if I'm policed on my reply delay.

If someone had been out drinking in a rural location, I don't think I'd be getting worried when they weren't home by 10.30am, if I'm honest with you. And I'm about as far away from a 'cool wife' as you can get!

Original poster
deezer19 · 30/09/2017 13:17

I'm sure it was just an error of judgement, yes. Getting a bit irritated now as we've just got back and still no sign...despite DH saying he would be "about an hour" well over 2 hours ago! Trains back from London are one an hour at this time of day, which is telling me he's now probably not going to be back until mid-afternoon. I'm sure it's all innocent but I'm getting annoyed not to have had any sort of update.

If it was me in his situation I would have been absolutely mortified and I would have at least texted when I was on a train.

OP posts:
sunseptember · 30/09/2017 13:20

I agree op, he is sober now and in dog house why isn't he communicating with you

FenceSitter01 · 30/09/2017 13:23

I've no reason to suspect he'd be unfaithful, but some of the replies have seen seeds of doubt into by mind! The person he said he was staying with does have a wife

Some posters like to do this, they absolutely relish splitting up relationships in the hopes you'll come back with an "I've left him" thread, then they can really get their jollies.

Original poster
deezer19 · 30/09/2017 13:28

WIBU to ask for another update, do you think, or is that just needy?

OP posts:
Wishingandwaiting · 30/09/2017 13:30

Annoying but if this really is a one off, I'd totally let it go.

You have a choice - make a big deal out of it and spoil rest of weekend or tell him that you were a bit Hmm at not being contacted this contacted. Hopefully he will apologise, then make him a coffee and put it down to one off silliness.

Wishingandwaiting · 30/09/2017 13:31

What about just sending

"Update please! Where the heck are you?!"

LakieLady · 30/09/2017 13:31

11 is still early enough for a taxi/ bus etc

Where I live, the last bus is at 5.45 pm, earlier on a Saturday and no buses at all on a Sunday. And you'd wait forever for a taxi on a Friday night, unless you'd pre-booked it.

Wishingandwaiting · 30/09/2017 13:31

With a few kisses on the end!

ScarlettDarling · 30/09/2017 13:35

Don't think it's needy to tell your husband that you're now starting to get a bit pissed off tht his night out has now taken up half of the next day as well!

AtHomeDadGlos · 30/09/2017 13:36

Just leave it. Poor bloke. He’s obviously had a few too many and done the sensible thing which is stay with a friend. He’s woken up hung over and probably has to socialise with his friend and his wife. And has told you approximately when he’ll be back.

One blow out like that isn’t a big deal. Ignore those on here saying it is and that he’s having an affair. They will be mainly be embittered divorcees.

schmoopy · 30/09/2017 13:39

I'd probably text again and ask him if he's ok.

If he's feeling a bit the worse for wear, he might have been a bit optimistic in telling you he'd be back for midday.

I will make it clear though that, if he were a disrespectful man who treated you like shit and was useless generally, I wouldn't be saying this!

But I think we're all allowed to fuck up now and again without getting a bollocking.

Reminds me of the time my ex husband was expecting me back at midnight, so he could drive home, and I rolled in at 4am. He was furious (I would have been too) but he looked at me and didn't say a word.

He said afterwards that he knew I'd feel so bad that was worse than anything he could have said. It was true. I took it on the chin.

PrimalLass · 30/09/2017 13:45

IME you only ever stay out and sleepover because you’ve met someone as are guaranteed to get laid

That's nonsense though. I've stayed out all night twice in the last few years (am early 40s) because I was having a laugh with friends and our last train is at 11.

TheOriginalChatelaine · 30/09/2017 13:46

At this stage I say trust him. Trust is a two way street and imo if you wade in there with suspicions etc, etc you are on a hinding to nothing. Time will tell. I would plan to do something together, the three of you, what could be nicer? especially as your son has been asking where his daddy is.

PrimalLass · 30/09/2017 13:47

11 is still early enough for a taxi/ bus etc

Our last train is 11 and it is about £60 for a taxi. Not everyone lives somewhere with amazing public transport.

myusernameisnotmyusername · 30/09/2017 13:47

Once I was drunk and tried to make my way to the train station (in central London, work night out, everyone gone home). I fell asleep on a bus. Got off miles away from the side of London I needed. I rung DP in a panic and my phone died. I realised I'd dropped my purse on the bus with oyster and bank card in. Went to taxi rank and they refused to take me as I had no cash upfront. Thankfully an amazing lady gave me an Oyster card and said use that to get home. However, by the time I got to the station I had to wait till early next morning for the next train. I walked in at 7 the next morning. DP went a bit ballistic because he'd spent the whole night worrying what had happened to me but my point is there can be an innocent explanation.

Gemini69 · 30/09/2017 13:52

this is bollocks OP.... his behaviour is screaming Red Flag ...

PurpleMinionMummy · 30/09/2017 13:58

Staying out is one thing. Avoiding your messages and taking ages to get back home is taking the p

lunakitty2609 · 30/09/2017 13:59

I'd wait till he gets in before freaking out.
Just enjoy some time with your DS and try to stop thinking about it. You're just going to drive yourself crazy wondering.
Have a cuppa and chill for a bit Brew Cake

Schmoopy · 30/09/2017 14:00

No it's not, Gemini. Not at all.

It's screaming, This Is A Person Living Their Life Who Has Had One Too Many Too Drink And Is Now Paying The Price.

Red Flag? Utter bollocks.

I'm assuming that none of the women on here posting these things have ever put foot 'wrong'; made an error of judgement, been having fun and just lost track of alcohol intake/time; lived anything other than pure and selfless, virtuous lives 24/7?

Schmoopy · 30/09/2017 14:02

Besides, if you kick off now, it'll ruin the whole weekend.

If you feel that he really is actually taking the piss, then bring it up on another occasion when it can be discussed objectively.

If you have a go at him now, he'll go on the defensive (as most people would) and you won't get anyway.

Surely there can't be so many people who have married men they trust so little that Red Flag must be their first conclusion?!

WhatDoIDoAboutThisHmm · 30/09/2017 14:02

Anyway = anywhere

CakesRUs · 30/09/2017 14:04

I'd call him and say "just checking in, is everything ok?, what time will you be back?" That's not unreasonable. If this becomes a new habit, then I'd start to worry.