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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn't come home

243 replies

deezer19 · 30/09/2017 10:33

I know...there are probably threads about this every weekend. DH is very good, doesn't go out often and we love him to bits. He is hands-on, and involved, as a father should be. We have a 4 year old. Last night he went for drinks with work. Just after 11 texted to say he'd missed all trains and was staying at someone's house. He also promised to do all the weekend childcare to make up. Also fair enough. Except he said he'd be back in the morning and isn't here yet. I've not heard from him. Sent a WhatsApp to ask for an ETA and I know he's seen it, but he hasn't responded. So I'm starting to feel a bit put out especially as DS keeps asking where he is and when he will be home. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Threenme · 30/09/2017 11:50

Op you've said he's a lovely man and it's a one off which makes a huge difference- don't listen to the craziness on here and let it go! Hes gone out and missed a train now he's hungover- he isn't cheating, hasn't murdered anyone. Go out with ds have a nice day and when you get home tell him he's making you a delicious tea! Enjoy Sunday as a family! Really this issue is as big as you make it.

House4 · 30/09/2017 12:04

Wow people jump fast to bad conclusions on here!
I don't see any problem OP. He let you know he wasn't coming home and has spoken to you this morning. He went out and had a good time.
That's IT!

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2017 12:05

It's generally the people who don't get out much who do things like miss the last train and need to be put up on someone else's sofa.
Arrange a night out for yourself next week, and don't worry about it.

RedSkyAtNight · 30/09/2017 12:08

Love the conspiracy theories on here.
I live in a big town with good transport connections, and yet if you were visiting nearby big city for a night out (which lots of people do) there is no public transport after 11 and a taxi would be prohibitively expensive.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 30/09/2017 12:09

Invite his mate and wife round for dinner as a thank you for putting up with your drunken H. Then you can get to know them a bit better and also check that he was actually there.

SilverdaleGlen · 30/09/2017 12:10

Don't listen to the crazy when it's a one off!

He's probably hanging, saw the message with one bleary eye and rolled over to try not to vomit. Well that would be me anyway Grin

Especially if he isn't a big drinker normally!

ilovesooty · 30/09/2017 12:14

I think some people here are far to quick to try to convince the OP that this situation automatically points to infidelity.

How fucking depressing.

paxillin · 30/09/2017 12:14

He's on his third pint of Alka Seltzer and wondering if he should have a bucket on his lap for the train trip home.

Mrskeats · 30/09/2017 12:19

I never said anything about infidelity
I just find it childish and disrespectful.

coddiwomple · 30/09/2017 12:21

IME you only ever stay out and sleepover because you’ve met someone as are guaranteed to get laid

Bit harsh, and in my experience completely untrue. Even some of the young ones of my team at work who had a few disgraceful incidents didn't do anything with anyone.

You get completely pissed, miss the last train, sounds reasonable enough to crash on somebody's sofa. No one said he stopped drinking after he texted the OP. Spending £70 or £80 on cab sounds a bit wasteful (that's the price around here from central london!)

It is a pain to have to leave early to catch the last train, it's a one-off, infidelity is really not the first thing that should come to mind! Do you trust your partner so little?

ilovesooty · 30/09/2017 12:22

Mrskeats plenty of others did.

deadringer · 30/09/2017 12:23

What coddiwomple said^^^

coddiwomple · 30/09/2017 12:25

childish, certainly

disrespectful? not really. Your home is not a prison, it's ok to let off some steam once in a while. I would give the benefit of the doubt!

He owes you a weekend, and a big apology for not being in touch earlier. Wait until he comes home before deciding how to react

ZoopDragon · 30/09/2017 12:30

I think you're overreacting if this is a one off. He probably drank far too much and is now sleeping off a massive hangover or throwing up in his friend's bathroom. Annoying behaviour but he is an adult, not a teenager who must report home by a set time. He has already agreed to make up the childcare so you get time off too.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 30/09/2017 12:35

Bullshit that people are always out shagging, or taking drugs. Sometimes after work, no proper food you don't realise how much you've consumed until you stand up. Or try to...thank goodness for decent colleagues that watch your back.

I had to take a colleague home once because she was so drunk (really tiny and tried to keep up with the big drinkers) she threw up in her handbag.

Travelcard covered in sick, completely no clue how she'd get home or where she lived.

She woke at about midday on my sofa with no clue where she was. Feeling absolutely awful.

Had to wait for her sick covered clothes to dry before she left. Was the days before mobiles too.

suckonthatmaureen · 30/09/2017 12:36

My DH and a colleague rolled in on the last train last night (11:30!). Trains don't go to where he lives that late so he spent a good hour ringing round trying to get a taxi to collect from ours, non showed. He stayed in the spare room after texting his wife. No idea what time he left, as I got up to go to work.
Believe me, there was no shagging or other activities!
Sometimes it is virtually impossible to get a taxi, and trains finish early round here.
If it's a one off, I wouldn't worry.

ShellyBoobs · 30/09/2017 12:37

I think some people here are far to quick to try to convince the OP that this situation automatically points to infidelity.

How fucking depressing.

Completely agree, sooty.

It seems that an awful lot of people don't have any faith in their partner whatsoever. It's sad as well as depressing.

NotAgainYoda · 30/09/2017 12:37

Sometimes people are shagging or taking drugs

Sometimes they are not

No-one said they are always doing the former

kingfishergreen · 30/09/2017 12:38

I know this is childish (and not a great plan, lots of margin of error) and other people would just talk to DH face-to-face. But I'd be tempted to message the wife of the colleague (if you can find her on social media) and just say something like:

"Have you seen DH's glasses/work phone/laptop bag/whatever at yours? He's frantically looking for it/them".

And see what she says. And yes, yes I know that I'd be reinforcing the idea of 'wife work', and that there are better and more grown up ways to approach it.

Therealslimshady1 · 30/09/2017 12:39

The thing that makes it depressing, is that it is often true. "Old" people like me just have seen these kind of stories too often...

WeAllHaveWings · 30/09/2017 12:39

IME you only ever stay out and sleepover because you’ve met someone as are guaranteed to get laid

IME of many nights out in my youth (when I was

kingfishergreen · 30/09/2017 12:40

Or this:

Invite his mate and wife round for dinner as a thank you for putting up with your drunken H. Then you can get to know them a bit better and also check that he was actually there.

This is a much better idea than mine.

KidLorneRoll · 30/09/2017 12:42

FFS, a bloke who goes out and misses a train is OBVIOUSLY shagging around?

Some people have some serious trust issues.

SparklingBollox · 30/09/2017 12:42

Threads like this always, always end up,with people suggesting he is an alcoholic , disrespectful, cheating, drug taking man child.
I don't get the fuss. I really don't. I went out the other weekend and stayed at a friends house because I don't want to travel home alone after I'd had a few drinks, I've also lost track of time before and missed the last train so stayed at a friends.
I don't have a curfew and neither does my DP.

ilovesooty · 30/09/2017 12:43

Thanks WeAllHaveWings

I'm "old" and that was my experience too.

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