Thoughts on being a functioning heroin addict?

[marthaedensnumberplease]

I have a friend - she is a mum of 3 kids with quite a large age gap between them:17,10,4. She "told" me tonight (I put 'told' in commas as it was the end-point of a long convo) that she has been smoking heroin since she has been a parent (she's 37 now) but only doing it once a fortnight, slash every 3 weeks, plus only smoking, never injecting. I have literally been round to this woman's house twice a week for the last five years for a bloody nice dinner .....and never guessed.

She has a very good job, a clean house, kids are lovely. She reckons there ARE people like her.

I think she said stuff like "never have guessed", "not like one thinks" as I bemusedly left.

She has the kind of life - relationship with kids, relationship with DH, success in jobs etc that I would envy. She said that "smoking the occasional bag privately" makes her feel better and able to be who she is

I don't even have an aibu. Just wondering if I'm being a shit with the judgements I previously had until today.

When you use drugs recreationally over long periods, you find that you're mixing with other drugs users more and more and it all becomes very normalised and acceptable in your circle.

I think her perception of what is normal has become really skewed because of this. I suspect she expected you to be fine with it, maybe even join her.

"Testing the waters" would be broaching the subject of drug use with you and gauging your opinion. Instead she's dumped this on you and massively misjudged how you'd react.

Unless her confession is some sort of oddly disguised cry for help, she's fucked your friendship.

In my younger days I knew a lot of functioning or recreational heroin users.

The issue is I think they are only functional because a certain set of circumstances allow them to be; a professional position, family and societal judgement, risk to children etc all helped them keep their habits in check.

It's a delicate balance and if one thing slips awry that balance goes and can quickly spiral into addiction.

This has happened in all the cases where I'm still acquainted with the person in question - not that they've all turned into heroin addicts, but alcoholism seems to feature regularly and their lives seem very dysfunctional.

I suspect her (if she's being honest) current level of use is due in part to the children being around - in the same way as someone might only drink once a fortnight rather than every night. What happens when the kids leave home?

Functioning addicts function right up to the point they don't. Purely based on my own experience, but I've never met an old functioning addict or long term recreational drug user (other than booze or cigs, I guess. Actually I know an old pot head who might fit the bill.....).

If it was my friend, I would still be her friend but would let her know that I didn't condone it... I wouldn't want to be part of her self-justification and would be wary of saying anything that might be seen to, if not support, but accept it iyswim.

Holy shit, report report report OP. Having a DH who isn't taking heroin (or he may be for all you know) in the picture isn't going to help her or their kids if she dies or a drug deal goes wrong or she gets further addicted and things go awry. This is high risk. Don't turn a blind eye.

Sorry have chuckled a bit at a fair few comments. If heroin was as easy to 'dabble occasionally in' as is being made out then a) I'd be out of a job and b) I've clearly been doing my job wrong and trying to help people address a non issue.

As someone up thread said, your friend is either kidding you, or herself, or likely both.

In the same way as if an alcohol misuser tells you they've had 4 cans you can pretty much guarantee they've actually had at least 6-8...

SS won't do anything about a report of drug misuse unless the children are visibly neglected or in serious danger.

I'm not sure why people think SS have a magic wand to make everything better. Going into the care system is awful and the child in care is extremely likely to be introduced to drugs and criminal behaviour at an early age.

At the moment, this woman is managing her addiction and capable of being a parent. SS won't do anything.

I used the word addict cause its in the thread title.

I'd really find this hard to accept in a friend.

Her youngest is 4 - who's looking after them while she's smoking? Where is she doing it?

Her oldest is 17 - would she encourage it to her teen? If she enjoys an occasional smoke of a Class A, and has for all their life, presumably she'd have no moral objections to her DC taking extremely addictive illegal drugs...

As PP have said - surely she's minimising or justifying. And the drug supply chain & unspeakable horrors of it.

But mostly the selfishness of it, I guess. 3 DC who need an engaged parent. Addicts of all stripes are usually emotionally ill-equipped for dealing well with others.

I smoked my share of weed pre-parenthood. I enjoyed it a lot. But it's not just me to consider now.

If you ask any drug user they won't say they're an addict, no one ever does! The only time they'll admit to that is when they're in an awful place desperate to change and finally admit it to themselves.

As sad as it is, this woman is managing her addiction and is functioning and will use every self justification to continue.

As Clash says it's a delicate balance. Her house of cards for now is still standing so she'll defend her use to the end.

SS won't do anything about a report of drug misuse unless the children are visibly neglected or in serious danger

I think they would if her drug of choice is heroin. Not the odd joint (which I completely agree with), but heroin is a different kettle of fish altogether. Although it was interesting to read that the demographic was very different last century.

Heroin is a surprisingly clean drug - someone can function innit if they have the money and wherewithal to keep their addiction going (but not too much).

However it is very rare for people to be able to maintain the 'functioning addict' for a long time. Usually things spiral.

mean even my closest friends and family I don't see every week let alone literally have round to dinner twice a week! I find this really really weird....

I see my best friend twice a week.

A lot of people see their close friends and family a lot. Just because doesn't make other people the odd ones!

How would you feel if she said she was taking a opioid prescription medication that you knew she longer really needed? Would the legality of it make a difference to you, are you concerned for her health or is this a morality issue

Very good point. Just as illegal. Just as dangerous. But somehow sooooo much more acceptable.

I'm really surprised with lots of these posts! ... it's heroin for goodness sake! not chocolate or coffee or even a cigarette or two! ... Heroin is a massive deal! The kind of people this lady is meeting and associating with to get this heroin are not exactly saints! And I would not under any circumstances want my kids having anything to do with class A drugs or the people associated with dealing them. That the OPs friend is fine with all this is incredibly worrying. Not to mention the fact that heroin is more important to most users than anything else, including their kids :(

OP, I understand what you are saying about your friendship and having your assumptions challenged, but I worry for you where your sympathy/empathy could lead. It is possible that your 'friend' has alterior motives for wanting you to accept her drug habit. One of which may be related to enticing you in ... someone to share the guilt with, and potentially someone to deal to and use with. What you do about your friendship is up to you, but however much you like this person, and however nice she has been this last few years, please watch your back and never never never get sucked in to trying a bit yourself, or going anywhere near that line.

StealthPolarBear I was in Harley Street and nearly fell off my chair. The thing with Class A addiction is I think whether you can afford it. Certain rock bands were known to travel with personal physicians who could resuscitate in the event of accidental overdose. All may look rosy to the op in her friends life but does she know if any of the children suffered withdrawal at birth?

Agree that lots of people have very high functioning addictions
Doesn't mean they're not addictions, as someone else said. Generally it's fine if you're holding all your shit together. One goes down the tube and you're fucked
Herion though, well I know a someone who's manages it for years,
I know lots of people who are high functioning alcoholics, well off. Good jobs. Children. Not sure you can do it forever though

Honestly don't think I'd be able to continue being friends with her

Why she is an addict
So are many people
Heroin can be shitty drug for some people but it's made in laboratories

Would you also reject an OxyContin, temazepam or morohine user ?

My question is where are the children when she's doing this? What happens if she dies because she did too much or got a bad batch? What happens when they grow up thinking using drugs are ok

Heroin isn't something to be messed with, neither are any drugs be them legal or illegal. Drugs can and do wreck lives and it is much harder for those closest including kids to watch than it is the person themselves because you are helpless in their destruction of themselves and are often dragged down with them.

My DH was a secret heroin smoker daily for a long time (addicted). He held down a job, we lived together and I didn't find out until our son was a few weeks old.
It can be very well hidden.

She is indeed an opiate user and it's a lot Risker than peoples usual Bottle of wine . Weirdly it appeals to me , in my dotage a dose of diamorphine sounds appealing

I am just suprised that people would automatically unfriend an addict ? I agree it's risky and not the ideal thing to have in your system when caring for kids

That'd be the end of the friendship for me.

As your friend is buying it she is funding a global trade which also involves people trafficking, violence, addiction and many other kinds of long term misery and suffering.
Her Saturday fun fix was probably grown, produced and smuggled into the UK under threat of violence; bought and sold by gangs.
She may be high functioning but other victims of the drug trade are not.

Agree Iris65! And no matter what she says, she is not as high functioning as she makes out! And how does she pick up after the come downs? And where r the kids and other half in all this 🤔There is so much she is not telling you OP

Did she take it while pregnant too?
She probably did