Thoughts on being a functioning heroin addict?

[marthaedensnumberplease]

I have a friend - she is a mum of 3 kids with quite a large age gap between them:17,10,4. She "told" me tonight (I put 'told' in commas as it was the end-point of a long convo) that she has been smoking heroin since she has been a parent (she's 37 now) but only doing it once a fortnight, slash every 3 weeks, plus only smoking, never injecting. I have literally been round to this woman's house twice a week for the last five years for a bloody nice dinner .....and never guessed.

She has a very good job, a clean house, kids are lovely. She reckons there ARE people like her.

I think she said stuff like "never have guessed", "not like one thinks" as I bemusedly left.

She has the kind of life - relationship with kids, relationship with DH, success in jobs etc that I would envy. She said that "smoking the occasional bag privately" makes her feel better and able to be who she is

I don't even have an aibu. Just wondering if I'm being a shit with the judgements I previously had until today.

Eek. I've moved in relatively drug-tolerant/indulgent circles in my life, but I've never encountered heroin.

I agree you shouldn't help her to normalise it.

Isn't there a lot of vomiting, albeit nice, warm cosy vomiting (?) involved in heroin use?

It makes you vomit when you first use it because it takes a bit of time for your body to get used to it. But yes, between the vomiting it feels good. I've only done it twice, many years ago and never since. I'd absolutely condemn anyone who would take it with DCs in the house or indeed if they have DCs full stop, sorry. Look at how fucked up Peaches Geldof was - wasn't it her who found her mum dead from an overdose when she (Peaches) was a kid? No child should ever have to even have a slight risk of that happening. Pearl Lowe's memoir is really good and very disturbing when she talks about being high around her kids or doing coke just after giving birth - fortunately she's clean now.

Personally I think coke is vile too, in a way I think it's worse because it turns users into total cunts and seems very psychologically addictive. But there are bloody good reasons why coke and heroin are class A drugs regardless of whether they were once acceptable!

If she's only taking it once a fortnight she won't have any withdrawal

I can't believe someone suggested to ask her to stop taking it. WTF? Why would she stop something she presumably enjoys because a friend "asked" her to? Some of you have strange friendships

Although I posted my thoughts before, I think I’m now calling BS on this. It just doesn’t stack up.

To come back to an earlier point.

If it was domestic violence social services would still not be my first port of call. Because again fear is not a useful or efficient way to change somebody's mind, and if the abuse is not overt I would not have confidence that social services would act to protect the children, so I would worry that it would actually place the woman and children in more danger. So instead I would support my friend and ensure that she knew where to find resources such as women's aid or refuges. I would stay close to her and try to help her see what her partner's abuse was doing. I do believe that children witnessing domestic abuse even if it is not physical is harmful, but remaining in the situation for a temporary period while the woman gathers the strength and resources to leave is less harmful than being removed from everything that they know. And women who have children removed due to threat of DV do not tend to leave their partners; if anything, it drives them closer to their abuser in a kind of "everyone is against us" spiral.

If I knew the children were being physically harmed or were frequently distressed by what they were seeing and the friend was not on the cusp of leaving then I would very reluctantly inform social services yes.

Domestic violence isn't anything like drug use though so it doesn't really work to use this as an analogy. Although perhaps it does because I think my line might be the same actually - if I knew a friend/acquaintance's children were being neglected because of their drug use or were distressed because the friend was acting erratically due to drug use, and she didn't seem to be showing any signs of wanting to fix this herself then yes I would probably report. But for drug use alone where the children seem fine, no. I'd be concerned but I wouldn't consider it urgent enough to intervene.

I do see the logic of letting SS be aware in case other things are flagged up to help them build a fuller picture, but for me that's something that's more appropriate in a case that you don't know the family very well at all and you don't have a full picture yourself.

I agree Bertie.
I also think it's naive to think that you can flag something up to SS, who'll put it on file and "keep an eye on things in case they get worse"

If the children seem healthy and happy and the mother capable of parenting, SS won't "log it" or monitor the situation. There aren't the resources.

The reason I mentioned domestic violence is that it is one of the three factors which raises the risk of children being at risk from harm. Drug use is one of the others.

I really appreciate how many people have took the time to comment on this. Honestly I do. But at the risk of sounding like I'm playing the world's smallest violin, I'm actually crying very much right now. This is really affecting me. This subject has generated such strong opinions that I've came away from it feeling like I'm the bad guy and I'm doing something terribly wrong by not reporting my friend to ss. It is really fucking difficult, as some of you seem to understand: I care about my friend, I love my friend, I care about her family and her DCs. From a lot of these replies I'm getting the vibe that she is evil incarnate and I'm just an awful horrible person because I haven't made that phone call. I think I'm being oversensitive on an AIBU which everybody knows you shouldn’t do but I’m now even feeling guilty about going over there too much because some people implied I spend too much time there. She doesn’t cook for me twice every single week, I meant more like I see her twice a week and at least one of those times she cooks for me because it’s the night her DH is away. Trying to not identify but we live really close. I don’t think she is sick of me? It doesn’t seem so? I really hope she wouldn't pretend. Anyway so many questions. No she absolutely doesn’t use it around DC. I haven’t brought it up since I asked on here but I got the impression that it is an hour ritual with smoking one portion which according to her is a small amount and doesn’t have a very strong effect. The children are well cared for and healthy and happy just really the whole set up is like you would not have a clue. That is why I am surprised. I know lots of people think they can’t be well cared for and I don’t know how to say it the right way. They just really seem to be. @stopfuckingshoutingatme has some very good advice and made me feel less of a bad guy. I will educate myself online, I definitely keep an eye on her and see if she needs the things like counselling or something. But I can’t phone ss. I will be her friend and help her in a way she needs if she needs it. Last thing the troll hunter also made me cry so thank you for that babypossum. I think you are supposed to report to MNHQ if you have an issue not come out with your troll pitchfork? Not that you likely give a rat’s ass but fwiw it makes people feel like shit when they have talked about a sensitive problem as well as tried to keep it as non-identifying as possible and then you call bs for no reason really. I’m a regular poster, obviously name changed for obvious reasons so take your pitchfork and off you fuck?

Now that I'm feeling less sensitive I can see there have been some really helpful posts I'm really grateful for. Eg Bertie

I have only read the first few dozen posts, as I'm off to bed, but I'd say to forget about it: she's managing. Be alert if she doesn't seem to be, I guess, but she told you because she trusts you.

Martha, you don't need this in your life. I'd be off like a shot and its ok if thats what you do. A friend would not put you in this position.

So if she doesn't do it around the kids then there is no reason to report anything. Leave her to it, if she is telling the truth it's something that works for her and she isn't an addict, functional or otherwise. Keep an eye out for signs of any heavier use if you are worried but I wouldn't end what seems to be a close friendship over it

I think your friend is trying to normalise her use which possibly suggests that she has a bigger problem than she is letting on.I would start distancing yourself and your family from hers

@marthaedensnumberplease

If you want to find out a bit more about your friend’s usage look up chippers (in regards to Heroin use). There’s a few threads on Reddit that might give you a bit more understanding from a users point of view.

Actually OP if you read my original reply you would see I have every sympathy for you. My BS comment is about what your friend has told you and I did not call you a troll which is why it wasn’t reported. I don’t think you need to go to SS but you do need to challenge your friend.

Im sorry op i think your friend is talking bollocks why would you put your self through all the messing around of obtaining paying for and smoking heroin for an hrs ritual every couple of weeks that has little effect it doesnt make sense ?

Oh @babypossum if that is really what you meant rather than what I honestly thought you meant (which was that the bs was coming from me, as in, because you thought I'm a troll) then please accept my honest apologies!!

Really Graphista? heroin subsistutes keep people off heroin its stops the withdrawels and keeps people clean why do you think people should go cold turkey and what is your experience of it?

Experience through nursing addicts and personal experience through seeing family members go through it.

Being on a substitute is not being clean. It's swapping one addictive substance for another. Many heroin addicts buy/sell their subs where they can though in recent years the methods of administration have made that harder (but not impossible). They also frequently switch to using codeine, tramadol etc which again doesn't end the addiction problem just redirects it.

Re cold turkey seen people go through it. Far from pretty but in most cases they didn't return to using.

Me too graphista both professional and personal it may be swapping one substance to another but its a prescribed substance and controlled which is better imo then using heroin and sometimes illegal means to obtain it ?

And from personal experience of my fsmily member they didnt sell their suboxone or turn to tramodol etc they just wanted off the heroin.

You do not, ever, go through cold turkey in The Priory.

it is one of the three factors which raises the risk of children being at risk from harm

There are more than three factors which raise the risk of children being or potentially being harmed.

As long as her kids aren't neglected and she isn't off her face whilst looking after them then who's business is it.
I don't agree with it, but then I have a foster brother who was addicted and i watched it completely ruin his life. He's off the heroin but now on the vodka, has heart and lung disease and not one tooth in his head is his own and he's 42.