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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thoughts on being a functioning heroin addict?

359 replies

marthaedensnumberplease · 29/09/2017 19:11

I have a friend - she is a mum of 3 kids with quite a large age gap between them:17,10,4. She "told" me tonight (I put 'told' in commas as it was the end-point of a long convo) that she has been smoking heroin since she has been a parent (she's 37 now) but only doing it once a fortnight, slash every 3 weeks, plus only smoking, never injecting. I have literally been round to this woman's house twice a week for the last five years for a bloody nice dinner .....and never guessed.

She has a very good job, a clean house, kids are lovely. She reckons there ARE people like her.

I think she said stuff like "never have guessed", "not like one thinks" as I bemusedly left.

She has the kind of life - relationship with kids, relationship with DH, success in jobs etc that I would envy. She said that "smoking the occasional bag privately" makes her feel better and able to be who she is

I don't even have an aibu. Just wondering if I'm being a shit with the judgements I previously had until today.

OP posts:
Mayhemmumma · 29/09/2017 20:24

Ultimately OP I think you do have a responsibility to those young children. Even in just asking mum for a bit more info and offering her support - I can almost promise there is some underlying reason for her wanting to use heroine. Why not smoke the occasional joint to 'chill out'.... She has smoked heroine for years on a regular basis, why can we not call that an addiction?

If something happens to her or the children, you will feel dreadful. At least encourage her to look at support available.

Migraleve · 29/09/2017 20:25

There are people who can do drugs and dont become addicts

Yet you go on to say....::

My dp knew someone who was a functioning heroin addict.Got up and got their fix.Gave it enough time fr them to be "sober" before work.He was quite high up too.

So the person was not a typical example of a heroin addict, but they WERE an addict all the same. Just because people can be functioning does not mean they are not addicted.

thecatfromjapan · 29/09/2017 20:26

Migraleve I know all that. I was responding to the poster who said OP's friend was one step away from turning tricks.

That is not necessarily true. My friend never turned tricks. That said, her father was a millionaire, which insulated her somewhat from the economic implications of sustained drug use.

I thought it was a bit pointless to suggest that OP's friend is one step from prostitution because OP can probably see this isn't the case for her friend.

As for the rest of your post: yes. I totally agree. And, of course, that brings another aspect in: who she buys from. It may well be a friend but buying heroin usually brings you into contact with some tricky people (understatement).

Frouby · 29/09/2017 20:27

I knew a functional heroin addict at one point. Smoked at weekends, holidays and high days.

The rest of the time he had a respectable job, nice flat, went to the gym. Had done this for about 10 years and stopped when he got a new very anti drugs girlfriend. He went on holiday for a fortnight. Said he struggled the first weekend but was fine by the next and never touched it again.

I was also pretty good friends with a woman who smoked crack cocaine maybe once a month. She said it was ridiculously moorish so she was very careful about how often and how much.

I know 2 men who have been heroin addicts but clean now for a number of years.

However a very good friend of mine lives with a heroin addict. He was clean when they met but fell back into it a few months after moving in together. Her money and possessions regularly go missing. He is a nice guy but won't rest until he has the money for his daily fix. I am waiting fir my friend to see that he won't change but am struggling to remain supportive to her when I think she is a fool and heading for disaster. It has changed the way I think and feel about her so I can understand your thoughts OP.

I don't think I could remain friends with my friend if I knew she was on it. And we have been lifelong friends. Did the club scene together in the late 90s. Took Es and amphetamines and cocaine together.

But I don't feel comfortable with heroin or crack cocaine for that matter. Even drugs seem to have a class. Stuff like cocaine is deemed acceptable. Heroin isn't.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/09/2017 20:28

The problem with heroin is that it's the best painkiller in the world. It takes away all the pain and makes the world feel like a wonderful place.

If you have unexpected difficulties in your life; a bereavement, divorce, a bout of depression or whatever then it's almost inevitable that you'll turn to your old friend heroin to get you through. You'll very quickly find you're using to take away the pain of withdrawal and bang you have a habit.

If you can't acccept your friend's drug use then don't brush it under the carpet and pretend you're cool with it. Explain your reasoning and your concerns for her as a friend.

danTDM · 29/09/2017 20:29

I also saw a fascinating programme once, about 'clouds' rehab facility. All about alcoholics. But there was one, beautiful, 30's, I imagine, model from Islington. She was rich and bought the highest quality heroin, but now just wanted a bit of help breaking the cycle, which she did.

She was stunning and intelligent. The programme stated that pure heroin (which is the problem, very hard to find) actually did FAR less damage than alcohol. Shock

Worried me a bit!

You would have had NO idea. Perfect, healthy skin and body etc.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 29/09/2017 20:29

Can you overdose from smoking it though?

Someone at my ex’s school died after smoking too many cigarettes in one evening. It was a bet he had going with mates. So I can imagine you can overdose from smoking anything

A relative of mine was using (injecting) for over 15 years while running a successful business. They’re clean now and last I heard had written a book about it.

Chestervase1 · 29/09/2017 20:30

I would be very sceptical. Class A drug users are not known for being truthful. Yes, I am being judgmental

Chestervase1 · 29/09/2017 20:32

Although I was recently told that it is legal drugs i.e. tobacco, caffeine and alcohol that do damage not illegal drugs. You would not believe who told me this

Mayhemmumma · 29/09/2017 20:35

Well yes looking at the death related stats that is a medical fact. But just because booze kills more doesn't mean parents of young children should be using heroine.

BoffinMum · 29/09/2017 20:36

Recently for reasons I can't go into here for fear of outing, I have met quite a lot of people in senior positions in various industries, or role models for other people, who have a secret drugs habit. In fact I think there are whole sections of society where this is almost normal.

It's fascinating meeting them. However one thing they have in common is that they actually don't function as well as they think they do. It's all on the surface. Underneath, they experience a kind of dysfunctional fog (all of the ones I have been able to speak in depth to, anyway). So I am of the mindset that it's impossible to take this stuff in that way without being an addict. And you take it because you know the fog is there. If you say otherwise, you are lying to yourself.

One thing that did surprise me is that they act as a kind of alternative Freemasonry, and they give each other jobs and look out for each other. For me, that explains some of the madness in politics and the media at the moment, for a start. I am sure there will be other sections of society where this applies as well. I have been amazed at the web this all weaves.

loobyloo1234 · 29/09/2017 20:36

Its heroin - not heroine. Sorry just had to point that out as fairly annoying

Mayhemmumma · 29/09/2017 20:38

It's just auto correct

BertieBotts · 29/09/2017 20:38

Social services are not interested in drug use unless the children are being neglected or exposed to the drug. To contact them over this would cause a lot of hassle which wouldn't in the end result in anything happening.

Maryz · 29/09/2017 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chestervase1 · 29/09/2017 20:44

I am totally anti-drugs and would wonder if her children had been born having withdrawal symptoms and have needed to be weaned off of it. I wouldn't trust her, addicts get all the help and are consummate liars. I have lost close family members to heroin so have zero tolerance for the recreational brigade.

AfterSchoolWorry · 29/09/2017 20:44

Makes me think of Peaches Geldof. Her poor little boy was alone with her body for hours.

Frightening.

Pengggwn · 29/09/2017 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MudCity · 29/09/2017 20:46

Yes...it is very possible to be a functioning user / addict of any drug and to show no signs of it to the outside world.

ElizabethDarcey · 29/09/2017 20:46

I wondered that about the pregnancy as well. And at what age the baby was before she thought it was ok to get off her face again? I bet there are some uncomfortable answers to those questions.

I wouldn't let my children go somewhere where there was drugs in the house, and definitely never leave them in her care. As others have said, taking something regularly for many, many years IS an addiction. Otherwise why would you do it? It may not be a trainspotting type addiction but it is. And all it takes is a few bad life events for that to become a far more serious addiction. DO NOT let the heroin user normalise this for you. It's not normal, and it's not ok.

dustarr73 · 29/09/2017 20:48

MigraleveI didnt ay that this person used everyday.Hence why they were not an addict.

StealthPolarBear · 29/09/2017 20:49

Who chester?
They cause more harm because they are more common I'd assume

Tallysan · 29/09/2017 20:50

My mother was a 'functioning' heroin addict. For several years it was a sometimes thing, only smoked. She looked down on people who injected. Then she started to inject. Then for a while she and her then husband dealt too. While me and my siblings were living at home. I struggle to forgive her for the risk she took.

Outwardly though we had a nice clean house, food, went to school - even holidays which terrifies me now as she must have bought it with us? I've never asked. I also unwittingly subsidised her habit through regularly giving money which I thought was due to normal struggles from being on a low income. Even now she justifies that saying she never directly spent my money on heroin - but if she bought food with my money because she spent hers on drugs that's the same thing.

My point is I'm almost certain all addicts lie about how often and how much they use. I reckon you can at least double it. It's also very hard to be truly emotionally available as an addicted parent. You're also wasting a fuckton of money that could be spent on your children.

Every addict I've come across (father was an alcoholic and I now work in an area where I also sometimes work with addicts) are selfish at their core. They can't help it but the need for the drug trumps all and I believe that even if it's 'recreational'... any kind of drug use that's not sporadic and only when out - that's done with any regularity and in the home - is a type of addiction.

My mother is apparently clean now so we are meant to applaud how well she has done all the time.

wavesandwellies · 29/09/2017 20:54

your friend was definitely "testing the waters" with you and the amount of information she gave you.

smoked or injected heroin is a nasty drug. I personally couldn't be friends with a user. been there once and never again.

Migraleve · 29/09/2017 21:04

dustar.** Your very words

My dp knew someone who was a functioning heroin addict

Addict. You called them an ADDICT.