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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thoughts on being a functioning heroin addict?

359 replies

marthaedensnumberplease · 29/09/2017 19:11

I have a friend - she is a mum of 3 kids with quite a large age gap between them:17,10,4. She "told" me tonight (I put 'told' in commas as it was the end-point of a long convo) that she has been smoking heroin since she has been a parent (she's 37 now) but only doing it once a fortnight, slash every 3 weeks, plus only smoking, never injecting. I have literally been round to this woman's house twice a week for the last five years for a bloody nice dinner .....and never guessed.

She has a very good job, a clean house, kids are lovely. She reckons there ARE people like her.

I think she said stuff like "never have guessed", "not like one thinks" as I bemusedly left.

She has the kind of life - relationship with kids, relationship with DH, success in jobs etc that I would envy. She said that "smoking the occasional bag privately" makes her feel better and able to be who she is

I don't even have an aibu. Just wondering if I'm being a shit with the judgements I previously had until today.

OP posts:
Maryz · 30/09/2017 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KrytensNanobots · 30/09/2017 23:49

There's a difference though between your son doing heroin as an adult and making their own choices and a parent in charge of small kids.
Presuming your son doesn't have small children, that is.

Maryz · 30/09/2017 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tealdeal747 · 30/09/2017 23:57

Cokeheads are a much bigger risk to dcs than heroin users.

Graphista · 30/09/2017 23:58

Sofaking I'm really sorry you're going through this with your son, I've seen it in my own life as I said.

I agree most addiction is misguided self treatment of a mh issue of some kind. I come from a family of addicts and recognise I believe a variety of mh conditions which are largely triggered by a variety of abuse.

I have mh issues myself and am very conscious of a number of studies that seem to suggest that addiction has a genetic conponent. So I don't smoke, rarely drink and have never tried illegal drugs or gambled.

While I sympathise with addicts I don't think the heroin taker in this scenario is the priority, the young children are.

I've also been investigated twice by SS and while I believe and understand others have had less positive experiences with them I had good experiences with them.

I live in a part of the country with a big drug problem especially heron and ecstasy. To the point there are a higher than in the rest of the U.K. Proportion of the local population that are amputees, disabled, brain damaged as a result of drug use.

SS don't automatically remove children from the homes of users (admittedly as much due to a lack of foster care available) but encourage them to take back control of their lives and stop actively being addicted.

With my own experiences I would be very sceptical that this person is taking as little and as infrequently as they claim.

DameGlitterSparkles · 01/10/2017 00:01

She's a part time smackhead. Has children and smokes heroin. Nice

SofaKing0101 · 01/10/2017 00:01

x-post again, (such an emotional topic I think)

no he doesn't have children, he is 27 now, and has told me I will never be a grandma as he wouldn't like to pass his MH issues on.

Maryz - I remember your son too, well done to him and you.

KrytensNanobots · 01/10/2017 00:04

Cokeheads are a much bigger risk to dcs than heroin users.

Yeah, hate to break it to you, but both are hard drugs that shouldn't be around children.

meltingmarshmallows · 01/10/2017 00:49

She’s taking street heroin, which could contain anything. So PP comparing it to prescription drug abuse are way off the mark. She’s selfishly risking her life for a high despite having children. Why? I think she’s more dependant on this than she’s letting on.

Also if she goes through anything in life, this could very easily spiral. It’s self serving beyond all belief. It would be the end of the friendship for me.

BulletFox · 01/10/2017 01:56

Heroin is quite emotive for me as I've seen people die from it. I've never actually seen anyone die from legal drugs.

I realise I'm being irrational as a drug is a drug is a drug (albeit cocaine, alcohol, cigarettes, heroin whatever) but I can't stop the trigger reaction with it. The legality aspect of it bothers me as well.

BulletFox · 01/10/2017 01:59

Actually I think my great grandmother possibly died from alcohol but as she was 86 not entirely sure, it's a good age for someone born in the 1800s

R2G · 01/10/2017 02:35

When heroin was legal (i.e. Doctors could prescribe it to addicts rather than methadone and opiate addicts did not have to resort to impure street drugs) there was never a recorded death in the U.K. from heroin. There are many examples of functioning opiate addicts in history that were talented. So yes, you can use heroin and be functioning. However as it's now illegal and is a street drug with no guarantee of quality (ok she's smoking it so less risk) it's probably not a great choice to make.

Fishcalledlola · 01/10/2017 06:48

Ask her to stop using.
She'll soon realise if she's addicted. I imagine going cold turkey will be difficult and she will use again. After all these years her body will be dependant.
Please don't enable her to think heroin use is acceptable.

ScrumpyBetty · 01/10/2017 08:17

I agree with all of the posters saying that SS are very stretched, have limited resources and will not take children away just because a parent is a drug user. However, and this might differ from area to area- surely they might be able to refer to other services, there is a drug and alcohol support service in my area, or perhaps a health visitor who might be able to come in and talk to the mum about how and when she uses, and to monitor the situation. It's just that personally I would feel very uncomfortable doing nothing

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 01/10/2017 08:27

Sorry OP, I'm finding your story hard to believe - you have dinner at her house TWICE A WEEK?? For five years??

Maybe she's desperate to get some space from you so has concocted this heroin story to get you out from under her feet?

MaisieDotes · 01/10/2017 08:50

Haha miel that crossed my mind too.

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 01/10/2017 08:57

Somewhere there is a thread titled "My So Called Friend Turns Up At My House Twice A Week Expecting Dinner - WIBU To Tell Her I'm A Drug User To Get Her To Back Off?"

Followed by hundreds of posts congratulating the OP on her brilliant ruse to get rid of the cheeky fucker.

MaisieDotes · 01/10/2017 14:22
Grin
manicinsomniac · 01/10/2017 22:58

Being near a heroin user means being near a drug dealer

not necessarily - you can buy even class A drugs online.

I don't know what I would do in your situation OP but it wouldn't be ditching a close friend who is potentially in crisis. That's not what friends do as far as I'm concerned.

I have a couple of close friends who are coke addicts. I wouldn't trust them with anything important or leave them alone with my children. But, other than that, they're still my good friends, they're just struggling with life in many different ways.

Heroin does scare me more than any other drug though, rightly or wrongly. I used to take cocaine occasionally and that definitely wasn't good, ethically, mentally or physically. But it seems like another league to heroin somehow.

RoboticSealpup · 02/10/2017 08:36

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this already, but the risk of going to prison for a first-time, non-violent woman offender who had children is real. The fact that a woman has dependent children is not taken into account when sentencing. Prison has the potential to damage the relationship between mother and children beyond repair, even when the sentence is very short. Prison visits are distressing and many mothers don't have contact during their sentence for this reason. And then there's the issue of the partner - would he stick around for family life to resume as normal afterwards?

The prison reform trust and the Howard league have recent research on this.

But hey, your friend has a 'very good job and a clean house' so she's inoculated against any repercussions, right? Hmm

Graphista · 02/10/2017 14:39

Robotic - good point. That's another way she's risking her children's health and happiness.

I happen to think imprisoning users has been shown to be ineffective and uses up prison space I'd rather see dealers in.

I have little sympathy for hard drug users but pragmatically think the best way to tackle the issue is cold turkey rehab. (No methadone etc).

Elendon · 02/10/2017 14:51

Cold turkey can kill people though Graphista.

Graphista · 02/10/2017 15:30

Well it's unlikely in a medical environment where it's being properly managed, plus that's the risk you take if you take highly dangerous illegal drugs which can ALSO kill you

Elendon · 02/10/2017 15:40

You would not be put through cold turkey under medical supervision.

CoteDAzur · 02/10/2017 15:45

"I have little sympathy for hard drug users but pragmatically think the best way to tackle the issue is cold turkey rehab. (No methadone etc)."

You "pragmatically" think a very stupid thing. Cold turkey is dangerous which is why it is why it's not usually done.