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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry angry angry

199 replies

Sounbelievablydull · 28/09/2017 23:27

Dd and her boyfriend live with us- they are both mid twenties- supposidly saving for their own place.
We charge minimal rent £100 pm each ( London) that includes everything food toiletries etc
They help out a bit not much cook dinner once a week
Other than that that not much else
This evening dd has flounced into the room where I'm watching to brandishing her boyfriends shirt complaining that I have somehow washed it inadequately so it has strange stains on it
She later came back in to show me that I'd washed it with a pen in a jacket of hers which had leaked
She's furious his shirt is ruined by me! And she will now have to buy him another to replace it- message is I should - I think??
yes I did go and get washing from their room because if I don't it piles up into a stinking pile
I also do their ironing - I feel really angry and am awaiting the onslaught of advice telling me what an idiot I am bring it on

OP posts:
Hardlyhangingon · 28/09/2017 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntagonyAunt · 28/09/2017 23:30

Mid 20s. They need to grow up and do their own washing.

GardenGeek · 28/09/2017 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

napmeistergeneral · 28/09/2017 23:32

He's paying a hundred quid rent and getting his laundry done for free? Boyfriend can replace his own fucking shirt. Damn sight cheaper than replacing his landlady/laundrywoman/maid.

Stop doing it for them immediately or charge accordingly. Obviously.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 28/09/2017 23:33

I would use this as a perfect excuse to reassess the situation.

For that BARGAIN price, they now need to be doing a fair share of the chores that contribute to the running of the house. So (for example) they can either do their own washing OR (I would say, more harmoniously) they 'do' the washing and ironing for everyone. They should also be cooking (including sourcing, preparing and clearing up) at least a couple of meals a week.

Good luck. And hope you feel less angry soon.

GinandGingerBeer · 28/09/2017 23:35

Christ. Do you wipe their arses too? No wonder she's behaving like an entitled madam, you're doing them no favours and they obviously don't have an inch of respect for you or appreciate you.
Cmon, put your big girl pants on, read em the riot act and tell em it's time to stand on their own two feet.

fourquenelles · 28/09/2017 23:36

Accidents happen. I'd stop doing their washing and ironing immediately and up their rent to one third of their joint net pay. If they don't like it they can find somewhere else to live. Don't facilitate your DD in her brattish behaviour.
So easy to write the above OP but I recognise how hard it is to do the tough love stuff. Perhaps start with a round table discussion about boundaries and respect (and apologise for the shirt). If you get nowhere then you will need to be tough.

LastOneDancing · 28/09/2017 23:38

Ungrateful little turds.
If they're not happy with the service on this one, perhaps they should find another gravy train to ride?
Time for a sit down & a chat about how their savings account is going, as the current arrangement is no longer working for you.

BMW6 · 28/09/2017 23:38

WTF!!!!!!!!!

Tell them both to get their entitled selfish arses the fuck out of your home within 1 month. In the meantime they do their own washing, cooking, and fucking well buy their own food.

Why in hell are you being such a doormat OP! You want to help your daughter to be a responsible adult? Kick her our so she can learn how to be.

Walkinglikeazombie · 28/09/2017 23:38

DH and I lived with my mum before moving, paid her £100pw (our wish) and also shared shopping bills/house chores.
I always made sure we tidied after us. We did laundry together as mum was on her own and it wouldn't be many things of hers in the load anyway.
We actually had a similar situation when my DHs shirt was washed with a pen in his pocket and the shirt was ruined. I only blamed him as he needed to make sure his pockets were emptied.

It sounds as you're a complete pushover who's being taken advantage of. I appreciate she is your DD but she is being extremely ungrateful and entitled treating you like this.

PerspicaciaTick · 28/09/2017 23:59

This is the perfect excuse for you to never do another scrap of laundry for either of them.
They are adults. They will soon run out of clean clothes and realise they need to wash some or risk workmates telling them they smell.

I would take the precaution of putting a set of basic, laminated instructions by the washing machine to prevent them overloading it/wasting water/using too high a temperature - you don't want them to add to the household costs.

ShmooBooMoo · 29/09/2017 00:01

OP It sounds like you've raised a spoilt girl. Time to tell them both to jog on.

DorisDangleberry · 29/09/2017 00:04

Really. You do all that shit for £100 per month?

When they pay a decent amount for their upkeep, then they can omplain

Birdsgottafly · 29/09/2017 00:10

As said, it's time for a revamp of the rules.

I don't think that you should be going into their room and taking washing. But you can insist on them keeping it to a standard, as a lodger would have to. Can you smell the washing outside of their room? How they live inside it, is up to them.

I say that as someone who has Adult DDs and GC living with them.

We have 'rules' about when the household starts to quiet down and about our washing/drying/cooking not impacting on each other.

We mainly cook separately. When I do cook, it is appreciated. I do my youngest washing, occasionally, but it's out of her washing basket.

Use this as a new starting point. My DDs know how much more it would cost to live in their own place, though.

Original poster
Sounbelievablydull · 29/09/2017 00:15

What do ther people charge?
I was really hoping they'd save and leave tbh
My sister charges her kids more but she is secretly saving what they pay her - she is much better off than me,
A lot of my colleagues are in the same position I can't leave the washing ironing bathroom etc because I cannot live in the equivalent of a student house
Destined to remain angry angry angry till I have a stroke and they put me in a nursing home and live in glorious squalor without me

OP posts:
Justaboy · 29/09/2017 00:18

Read them the Rental Riot act and for their own good and to learn them were they're bloody well off, Evict them so they can learn the hard way!.

Pollypudding · 29/09/2017 00:20

This is a difficult situation for you as, in effect, they have their own “household” within your home. It is very kind of you to let them stay at a much reduced rent that is allowing them to save and eventually get a place of their own. I agree with other posters that you need to discuss some ground rules. I would expect them to be more independent and to be contributing to the running of the households by making more than one meal a week and certainly doing their own washing.

WaveWash · 29/09/2017 00:24

I feel really angry and am awaiting the onslaught of advice telling me what an idiot I am bring it on

Ummm, well...... 😂

The biggest issue isn't that you are doing their chores for them it's that they sound obnoxious. I'd be really cross if one of my kids talked to me like that. I'd rethink everything. Is there any reason why they can't start helping out like normal adults.

How about charging extra money and paying for a cleaner with it.

pallisers · 29/09/2017 00:24

Don't do their laundry - and as for their ironing!! .

Shove every piece of their crap into their room and close the door. The rest of your house will be fine - they can live like slobs - for a while. You can fumigate their room when they are gone. Then tell her you would like her to move out in 3 months time as clearly this isn't working for any of you. They have a complaint about the laundry and you have a complaint about being treated like a skivvy. Time for them to live separately like the adults they actually are. actually 3 months is really generous. Maybe 2?

User02 · 29/09/2017 00:30

You have used plural several times. We and us. Do you have a husband at home?

I made it clear that I would not be having my DCs moving their partners into my house. I knew they would pay nothing and expect all.
I think adults should have their own homes. They do outgrow the nest and the parents are surely entitled to a bit of peace.
I was already in ill health and knew I would pop off if I had any of them staying in my house. Clearly the situation is not doing you any good. You are not making any profit there and you are running into ill health.
Tell them to get their own house or contribute at least half of household costs. They get so much more than they would in a bedsit. As for the student house squalor that would really drive my into the old folks home if I was lucky.
Poor you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/09/2017 00:34

No wonder they live at home £25pw each for all food bills toiletries rent and washing and ironing

You don't need to live in a student hovel. Let their washing pile up in their bedroom and close door

Increase rent and give them 3mths to find somewhere

e1y1 · 29/09/2017 00:35

Well if you have taken the clothing thing and laundered it, then you are responsible for what has happened to it.

However, you would be perfectly reasonable to say that from now on, they are responsible for their own laundry and if it does pile up in to a stink, then they will need to find alternative accommodation. As they’re not keeping their rental accommodation in a good state of repair.

Also YY increase their rent, £25 each per week is NOTHING (especially London), I was paying double that (a good while ago) and also not London.

CardsforKittens · 29/09/2017 00:49

Well I can understand why you're angry. But instead of anger you need rules and boundaries. Let them do their own laundry - they're certainly old enough. Take the pressure off yourself and encourage them to grow up a bit. You may have to bite your tongue sometimes. But they will learn eventually.

Butterymuffin · 29/09/2017 00:50

Another one saying they should definitely do their own laundry. Don't ever touch it again. And if your DD hadn't left a pen in her pocket it wouldn't have happened anyway!

BTW don't feel bad about not saving the money they do give you - it's hardly a fortune! - and by charging them so low a rent you are making it super easy for them to save up themselves. Hope they are doing so...

2017SoFarSoGood · 29/09/2017 00:55

why would they leave when they have a cook/maid/cleaner/shopper? ungrateful and rude.

I'd be telling them when their notice ends, and that between now and then they are on their own for laundry, toiletries, cleaning.

Don't go in their room. That way lies hell (IME)