Angry angry angry

[Sounbelievablydull]

Dd and her boyfriend live with us- they are both mid twenties- supposidly saving for their own place.
We charge minimal rent £100 pm each ( London) that includes everything food toiletries etc
They help out a bit not much cook dinner once a week
Other than that that not much else
This evening dd has flounced into the room where I'm watching to brandishing her boyfriends shirt complaining that I have somehow washed it inadequately so it has strange stains on it
She later came back in to show me that I'd washed it with a pen in a jacket of hers which had leaked
She's furious his shirt is ruined by me! And she will now have to buy him another to replace it- message is I should - I think??
yes I did go and get washing from their room because if I don't it piles up into a stinking pile
I also do their ironing - I feel really angry and am awaiting the onslaught of advice telling me what an idiot I am bring it on

I’d get them both together.

1. Tell DD how rude she was yesterday.
2. Tell them both that they’ve been disrespecting your home.
3. point out their lack of gratitude
4. Remind them that they are getting a ‘serviced hotel room’ type accommodation for £50quid each a month
5. Agree that they will do their own laundry from now on, they can use the facilities mon, weds, fri and sat.
6. They buy their own toiletries
7. They cook and eat with the family twice per week.

Or they leave.

A lot of my colleagues are in the same position I can't leave the washing ironing bathroom etc because I cannot live in the equivalent of a student house

Why can't you leave the washing? It's in their room.

Just stay out of their room. Simples.

As for the ironing, if they're not prepared to do their own ironing, they can walk around in unironed clothes. It's no skin off your nose.

If you tell them to do their own washing you will find the w machine constantly full of damp clothes. But that is probably better than doing their washing then getting shouted at.

I wouldn't let DD live with boyfriend with me. I would let DD but once a stranger who isn't a family member is there it is difficult, imv, to set your rules. Or you can treat BF as a rude and lazy DS and tell him off /shout at him. And why do him favours of low rent?

Black bin bags are the answer o piles of stinking clothes.
Then tell them to get to a launderette to do their washing.
They should be doing chores - three meals with all cooking and clearing as a minimum per week.
If they are genuinely saving for a deposit i probably wouldn't charge more but I'd expect them to be clear when deposit was likely to be reached.

Hmmm.

Sorry, I think this is about what role you play.

She can't have it both ways, and neither can you.

You are still acting like 'Mum' to two full adults. Actually I think it is a major invasion of privacy to be going in and getting their washing, or going in their room at all. So what, if it piles up behind their door?

You picked up your DS's jacket, if your own free will, and put it in the wash with his shirt. Your choice: you took a responsibility there. I'm not saying your Dd isn't behaving badly, she is. But stop your Mum role, and tell her to behave like an adult.

Stop the ironing, not in a vengeful, punitive way, but just to re-balance the whole set up.

Treat people like toddlers and they will behave like toddlers.

My dd (who's a student in her 20s) pays me more than that and we are nowhere near London. She does run the hoover round occasionally and has been doing her own washing for a long time. She wouldn't have a clue what to do with an iron and I haven't touched one since 2006.

If she spoke to me like yours has she'd be looking at alternative accommodation pretty damn quickly.

I understand you want to help out and everything but the boyfriend needs to go.

After you have had 'the talk' with this ungrateful pair could you please do an update? I'm so cross that I think I will be on the point of bad temper until you tell us. So for the sake of my sanity can you let us all know?

Hmm. My DS1 has returned after uni, allegedly to save up. He pays £150 a month, eats with us if he is around, does his own laundry, keeps his room and bathroom clean, tidies kitchen and empties dishwasher now and again. Oh yeah and he cuts the grass and runs the odd errand.

He's no trouble and to be honest, I haven't even been in his room for months, he could be doing anything in there.

Yes update please!!!

Sorry I haven't read the thread but:

Stop doing their washing and stop going in their room. They are adults. Adults who are related to you, but this needs to be closer to a respectful co-habitee relationship than parent/child. I was doing my own laundry from about age 13. Laundry build up? It stays in their room and it's not your problem.
It will help you and them to have more adult boundaries if you charge them more. You are stuck thinking of them as children because you're not charging them anything. I think my sister paid around £50/week to our parents when she lived at home, plus mostly bought her own food. I paid less as was paying back debts and was shorter term.
Set ground rules about housework and shared spaces as you would with a lodger. It takes more work initially but will save you much distress in the long term.

Basically facilitate adult relationships between you all. As the slightly more competent adult, this falls to you. But doing this will serve you and the relationship much better than feeling unappreciated but doing things you don't need to do. Let them be adults. This means they may make different choices to you. As long as they are respectful of your space that's allowed.

Or, continue with these blurred boundaries and get more annoyed. They aren't going to change because you're making it so they don't have to. you're going to have to make the changes.

Gosh they are taking the proverbial piss!

As others have said OP you need new rules...,

1.They tidy up after themselves, in every room they use- bathroom, kitchen, sitting room etc.
2.They help to clean the house. Hoovering and dusting everywhere and cleaning bathroom/kitchen once a week. You and your H/partner will do it once a week too. 3.They do their own washing- on a regular basis. You will not put up with smelly clothes lying around on your home.
3.They cook at least 2 or 3 times a week.

1. If they don't like your rules then they can find somewhere else to love.

*live not love!

I paid £150 a month at that age (not long ago). BUT I was on very low wages and commuting from Kent to London which cost about £5000 a year. When you're earning £22k a year that's a sizeable chunk.

But I did more than my fair share of the cleaning, my own laundry as well as my parents on occasion and paid for random things like take aways. My sister and I took it in turns to cook Sunday lunch and in the week most of the time we either cooked separately because I got home later or i made dinner for everyone the night before (chilli/bolognese etc) and everyone dipped in when they wanted.

There's nothing wrong with minimum rent if they are saving to move out. But they should be returning that favour in kind.

Also for what it's worth I did my own washing at home from the age of 15.

I moved out at 18 and moved back at 21 with a part time low paid job.

I paid mum £50 a week and did my own washing, cooking and cleaned up after myself. I had my own shelf in the fridge and a bit of room in the freezer.

Me and mum took it in turns to clean the bathroom. My younger DS and DB lived there too but as I was an adult they did normal chores.

I also mowed the lawn and walked the dog when mum was on nightshift.

My bf (now DH!) stayed over 3-4 nights a week. Mum and him spoke and he paid her £50 a month too (he literally just slept in the room, he would wash at work and we cooked together/washed our clothes together). He would tidy up after himself and do odd jobs around the house as needed.

Just to give you some perspective.

Having lived with my now ex in laws after uni for a bargain price, I've got a slightly different take on this.

My ex's mum used to come into our room even if we were in bed to get our dirty washing. I told her repeatedly I would do it myself but she said as she was doing hers she may as well do ours. I hated it. Having lived as an adult at uni to then go to a home environment where I had lost control of looking after my own belongings was horrible. I started to feel like I had no choice but to let her carry on as it was what she seemed to want to do but I hated it.

Basically, I'm trying to say that at some point in time your kindness in doing their washing etc for them may have easily moved into interfering DM/MIL territory and they've over-reacted as a result of this.

You haven't done anything wrong per se -she should check the pockets of her washing if she knows you do it for her - and it's perhaps an opportunity to have a discussion about whether they actually want you to do their housework for them or is it better they contribute more to the house and in doing so, gain some independence back?

It's your house and you need to feel comfortable so maybe the living arrangements have just run their course.

Also- This arrangement was for about 18 months, met bf after 6 months at home then we saved for a year and bought our own place ASAP.

Because I don't take my mum for a mug.

And if you are working as well , you are probably completely knackered too. You have a life and could probably do with some 'me time' , recreation, long hot bath, whatever you would like to do. If they are being so disrespectful then just focus on what you could do if these 2 little piggies were in their own pig sty. How does that sound to you?

The answer to this isn't 'don't do their washing' or 'charge them more rent'.

The answer to this is tell them they need to move out. If London is too expensive for them, they can look at moving somewhere else. That's what I did in my mid-20s. I looked for jobs in other cities, found one and moved.

They're grown adults and you are allowing them to behave like teenagers. Stop infantilising them and tell them the arrangement has to stop.

I think you should be angry with yourself for letting them treat you like their own personal maid, cleaner and cook!

Time to toughen up. £100 pcm equates to £50 each! I am sure with all of the money they're saving they can afford to replace this shirt.

I'd use this as an opportunity not to do their laundry anymore which will force them to live partly in the real world.

I don't know what your own mortgage/rent payments are like OP, but unless they are zero, then surely you're coming out worse on this deal?

I personally would never have a problem with giving any friend or family worthy of the favour rent free accommodation, but not at a loss, and not to be their personal servant either! I have little enough interest in my own laundry, let alone anyone else's.

Family meeting. £150/month. No more chores done. Minimum standard of keep for their room. If she tantrums, she can come up with her own counter proposal - after having researched the time and costs of her own place.

I'd also want a timeframe for her being out, tbh.

Thanks everyone for the responses
They are now at work as am I.
I will investigate the true damage of pengate this evening
I do have a very nice dh but he doesn't like scenarios of conflict but I will enlist him to back me up
He's currently away with work but will be back tomorrow .
They are not all bad they do work hard professionally.
It's been so eye opening to read these replies - they would agree with some people here that they do not expect me to do there washing or ironing I do in fact take that on myself so i do need to get a grip and stop- from today!!
I am very anal about housework as someone said earlier but surely I have the right to be? It is my house and I like it to be clean and tidy.
I can only ask dd about saving don't feel I have any rights over the bf he is in a very lowly paid training post at the moment but this should end in June next year when his pay would increase considerably.
We have drifted into this whole situation without any boundaries or goals as you have pointed out
When he moved in it was only meant to be on a temporary basis and we haven't reviewed how things are going
So I'm going to act as if I'm at work and look afresh at the whole arrangement, plan a strategy and use some of the action points you have all suggested.
Thanks for all your time and effort😳

Obviously you can't be trusted to do their laundry. Tell her if she wants a job done properly she'd better do it herself.

I remember when I first moved in with a boyfriend in my early twenties and he phoned me at work furious because I'd washed a pair of his trousers that had a cassette tape in the pocket (showing my age here!). He said I had to replace the tape. I just laughed. We only lasted a few months after that. It was the beginning of the end but should have just been the end.

My kids did their own washing from 13. You're crazy to go near it.. But ultimately it sounds like your own control issues. Let go.

Oh wow. I lived with my mum until I was 25 and she charged me £100 all in back then and that was 8 years ago.

However, once I left school/college (around 17/18) I was doing 99% my own laundry and taking it in turns to cook dinner. I was also expected to help clean the house - she didn't have to ask, if I used the kitchen or bathroom then I cleaned it afterwards. I'd run the hoover round and dust once a week, that sort of thing. I'm sure Mum still did loads more than me, but I helped out.

How on earth would I have been able to move out and run a home myself if I'd never been expected to do those things as a young adult living at home?

Time to shake things up OP. Either up your prices, or if you don't want to do that at least come up with a cleaning/chores rota and make sure they stick to it. I'd be expecting them to each cook and clear up afterwards once a week, do their own laundry, and each hoover, dust and clean your bathroom & kitchen once a week too. These things all need doing every other day, they are adults so they need to split the load with you.

And do not buy a new shirt!

My friend worked out that the absolute minimum for a son out of university to pay towards his costs was £35pw. This covers food and laundry and a bit of fuel. He buys his own toiletries and any extras.

This was for a clueless 21 year old boy with a minimum wage zero hours contract job. He has moved on now

Mid 20s, couple, they are taking the piss moneywise and I am afraid that if your laundry, that you are doing for free, is not 'good enough' for them, it is time they did their own, along with a few other things. And moved out.