Angry angry angry

[Sounbelievablydull]

Dd and her boyfriend live with us- they are both mid twenties- supposidly saving for their own place.
We charge minimal rent £100 pm each ( London) that includes everything food toiletries etc
They help out a bit not much cook dinner once a week
Other than that that not much else
This evening dd has flounced into the room where I'm watching to brandishing her boyfriends shirt complaining that I have somehow washed it inadequately so it has strange stains on it
She later came back in to show me that I'd washed it with a pen in a jacket of hers which had leaked
She's furious his shirt is ruined by me! And she will now have to buy him another to replace it- message is I should - I think??
yes I did go and get washing from their room because if I don't it piles up into a stinking pile
I also do their ironing - I feel really angry and am awaiting the onslaught of advice telling me what an idiot I am bring it on

Simple message here - tough nuts, do your own washing in future. And don't leave pens in pockets.
If they leave it til it's stinking then leave notes on the door telling them to do it, or ask them repeatedly to do it - do NOT do it for them, how does that teach them how to be independent? And definitely don't do their ironing fgs!

You're being very kind to them to allow them to stay with you for so little - they're taking the piss somewhat.

Up to you if you do replace the shirt - I suppose you should have checked through the washing to take anything out that could have damaged your machine, so the pen should have been removed - but whether you do or you don't, make that the last wash you do for them.

" I can't leave the washing ironing bathroom etc because I cannot live in the equivalent of a student house "

Part of our agreement is that we have respect for each other and keep communal areas clean. If the person is in a rush then they do it when they get in.

I pay for the telly licence, sky and the bulls that I would have on my own.

Then we split other charges and we generally buy our own food and toiletries. I'm not petty, I buy soap, toilet rolls etc.

Perhaps change the 'keep' arrangement and start off at a more Adult arrangement.

So 2001 I left college at 17 and worked full time. Paid mum and dad £200 a month but I was effectively a flat mate. Own food, washing, share of cleaning etc. It was for my own sanity too as it meant they had no right attempt to pull rank in the EA way they used to.
We would sometimes cook for each other though but just like flat mates do really.
Of course when my brother left uni and worked ft he didn't pay a penny. After 2 years they then suggested so he said he'd rather move out.

Aaaaaanyway, stop doing their washing. If it means their room stinks, get some air fresher to spray when you pass their door.

Oh ab they can't leave their washing in your wash basket in the bathroom. They rent a room. Their washing goes in there.

Can I come and live with you please? I will pay £200 and do the cooking. I am very clean , tidy, and properly housetrained. Just PM me a moving in date!!

Well if you went in to their room and and washed clothes without checking the pockets it is your fault the shirt was damaged

I think its really kind to let them stay for a nominal fee but they really can wash their own clothes in the future. If its piled up, close the door

A friends daughter and partner were like this. My friend charged them a pathetic rent because she felt guilty because they only had a tiny room, forgetting that they had annexed her dining room for their all night computer gaming sessions, during which they would eat anything not nailed down and leave the kitchen looking like a bomb site! the bf boasted to my friends sister that he had saved nearly £10000 after two years of living there. entitled was not a strong enough word to describe them.

and the £10000 was not used towards a deposit! It went into his personal bank account.

If they want to behave like entitled children then you need to start treating them as such.
i think a few ground rules are in order and he needs to buy his own new shirt and maybe some flowers for you for treating you like Dobby the house slave.

Why is dirty laundry behind their bedroom door going to mean you have to live in "the equivalent of a student hovel"? Can you not just leave the door closed and ignore it for as long as they stay?

Do you think they have decent savings?

Are they earning well and/or registered on affordable home ownership scheme lists?

You are being way too soft.

Do NOT do their washing or ironing. Keep their bedroom door shut so that you can't see it and then ignore it.

Tell them pointedly that you absolutely did not appreciate the spoilt brat way in which she spoke to you and remind them firmly of the agreement about saving for a deposit. Remind them too that they are actually living in your home, and that any repeat of this behaviour will see them asked to leave immediately.

Seriously, stop being a doormat. They are taking the piss..

This is where the laundry service stops.... For £100 per month they get their room. Anything else is down to them. Be strong OP. Get them out of your house. It will benefit them in the long run, even if they cant see it at the moment.

Mid TWENTIES?! Disgraceful behaviour.
No, don't buy the shirt and tell her she has some front to speak to you like that while they pay very minimal rent and do fuck all. Who the hell has all their washing done by mummy in their bloody mid twenties?
OP, you need to stop this now. Charge them a decent rent or they do their own cooking, cleaning and washing plus they buy their own food and toiletries (can't believe you buy their toiletries!). Or they move out. Their choice. I wouldn't dare be such a piss taker with my parents. I think I paid over £100 when I was 17 and working and I was expected to help around the house and buy a certain amount of things myself. I did it gladly as I appreciated what my parents did/do for me, and I understood how to live in the real, grown up world. Thank god.

Are they realistically going to be buying a place any time soon? I doubt it if they plan to stay in the South East, let alone London itself. I know someone on a good six figure salary who was telling me the other day that he has earned more from his house price increase over the last two years than he has in salary. So even saving a lot, you can't keep up.
That makes me angry angry angry as a middle aged renter.

You are all very enmeshed.

For starters, you need to promise yourself that you will never do their laundry again.

Destined to remain angry angry angry till I have a stroke and they put me in a nursing home and live in glorious squalor without me
No more of this dramatic helplessness.

In many situations a horrible outcome is the fault of one party (DV/abuse for instance), but in this one, it takes two.

Either give them notice, or raise their rent to what you would charge a lodger (each) or live with the consequences of doing nothing about it, accepting that she who does nothing to improve her own situation is partly responsible for it.

Ha! I work in a bank and open accounts. Lovely lady came in to open one to deposit the 'keep' she collects from her son who is lodging with her.

She charges him £500 a month and is effectively saving for him. Otherwise his pay would trickle away. He earns about £1200 a month.

You're hoping they will save for a deposit but at the moment if they're not they're getting used to masses of disposable income.

I'd up the charges massively so they get used to having the level of 'spends ' they'd have with their own house. Pop some of it in a limited access account and you'd be surprised how quickly a deposit builds up.

And stop being a cleaning lady for them. Let their clothes fester if necessary otherwise they won't be equipped for life.

If I were your daughter, I'd be upset that you went into my room and took my laundry to wash it - it's pretty invasive. Try treating them more like housemates, you would never do that to a housemate.

Stop doing their washing! Let it be in a stinky heap and close the door. Frankly, if you can't bear to have a pile of dirty washing behind a closed door, I think that's your problem...you are choosing to put yourself out when you don't have to. Unless your daughter asks you to wash their clothes, there's no need for it. If you insist on doing it because you can't bear the thought of dirty washing in their room, then my sympathy is limited I'm afraid.

Tell them in future they take their washing to the launderette; they cannot use your washing machine in case something left in an item of clothing ruins it. I'm sure once they have to drag a whole week's filthy, stinking clothing out the door and off down the road and sit in a launderette with loads of other people they will appreciate you more. They need to grow up; plenty of people of that age are parents running their own homes . I've met people who have had to look after themselves totally at a much younger age. Before anyone says anything;my mum died when I was a child; my dad worked long hours, I learnt to be tidy in the house, do my own washing, cleaning etc before I became a teenager. While I don't wish that on anyone perhaps all kids need to try household tasks at a young age so they can be 'proper' adults . We don't want to bring up incompetent adults , do we? Time for tough love I think.

Time for them to move out, perhaps? Or charge decent rent. I agree with everyone else. On the one hand, you're treating them like the adults they are, expecting them to save for a deposit - even though you know they probably aren't. Otoh you're treating them like pre teens. Stop doing their laundry. I think it's really odd and intrusive that you're going into their room and getting laundry. Especially his laundry.

It sounds to me like the OP takes this job on without it being asked or expected, because she's anal about housework. I certainly wouldn't do it. I'd leave their washing alone and let them get on with it because a pile of washing in the room wouldn't bother me.

yes I did go and get washing from their room because if I don't it piles up into a stinking pile

Then let them have their stinking piles.

I wouldn't have let lover boy move in.

Similar has happened here. My dm will often take clothes home to wash to help us out. She'll just take whatever is in the laundry basket. Has ruined a couple of dh's things over the years. My response to him if he dares moan? Don't put it in the laundry basket if you don't want my mum to get her hands on it or we could just ask her to never help us again and our clothes just won't get washed as often. No way would I put the blame on my dm for it.

I'd let them do their own laundry/ironing/food shopping - plus a rent increase.

Was the shirt designer? If so, that might be where some of his money is going?

Time to sit down with them and explain that this isn't working. Let them come up with the solutions.

Explain that this is your home and your house, and you are uncomfortable with their washing building up and cleaning not being done. Explain that you want to help them save so they can move on in a good position, and at the moment it costs you more to have them than you receive. Explain that you will not be spoken to like that again, as it was very upsetting. Ask them what they suggest. Maybe they will move out more quickly, maybe they will do more chores.

Do it calmly, don't show your anger. They'll just get defensive and flounce.