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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry angry angry

199 replies

Sounbelievablydull · 28/09/2017 23:27

Dd and her boyfriend live with us- they are both mid twenties- supposidly saving for their own place.
We charge minimal rent £100 pm each ( London) that includes everything food toiletries etc
They help out a bit not much cook dinner once a week
Other than that that not much else
This evening dd has flounced into the room where I'm watching to brandishing her boyfriends shirt complaining that I have somehow washed it inadequately so it has strange stains on it
She later came back in to show me that I'd washed it with a pen in a jacket of hers which had leaked
She's furious his shirt is ruined by me! And she will now have to buy him another to replace it- message is I should - I think??
yes I did go and get washing from their room because if I don't it piles up into a stinking pile
I also do their ironing - I feel really angry and am awaiting the onslaught of advice telling me what an idiot I am bring it on

OP posts:
pictish · 29/09/2017 06:34

If you are 'angry angry angry' because you ruined a shirt doing their washing unasked, you're really going to end up falling out.

It is kind of you to let them stay for cheapies but I feel some boundaries need put in place. You do their washing because you're hung up on your house being tidy so they have naturally come to expect it. People do leave stuff in their pockets...if you choose to wash their clothes without checking, then.....

Seriously...close the door and leave it to them. They don't have to do laundry according to your schedule and neither should you be going in there and interfering.

HeebieJeebies456 · 29/09/2017 06:36

I can't leave the washing ironing bathroom etc because I cannot live in the equivalent of a student house

You're a mug, OP.
A willing mug who leaves themselves out to be used and walked over.

C0untDucku1a · 29/09/2017 06:40

You sont have to live the on the equivalent of badly kept student housing, their washing should stay in their room.

Do not do it.

Also, have you even got a time line of when theyre moving out? Have they actually saved? Sit then down ask for their moving out date. If theyre making nonattempt to save explain that was not fhe agreement and so their rent wil have to go up to SIGNIFICANTLY MORE THAN IT CURRENTLY IS.

Dancinggoat · 29/09/2017 06:40

You're treating them like they are still children so they are acting like children.
Set rules. They do their own washing and ironing. Buy and make three dinners a week.
Keep bathroom clean
Mow lawn , bins out alternate weeks.
They are adults. I think you've forgotten that

zippydoodaar · 29/09/2017 06:50

I'd be oh so apologetic........... and tell them I will no longer be doing their washing and ironing as I am clearly losing the ability to do it correctly.

You're a complete and utter doormat. Get a grip. No need to put up with this shit. It's your house.

pictish · 29/09/2017 06:55

Is everyone missing the bit where OP says she does their laundry purely because she can't handle there being a pile of laundry in their room?

Slartybartfast · 29/09/2017 06:56

I wouldnt go in their room and collect the laundry.
i would do the laundry from the bin
otoh you could just ask them to do their own. Now would be a really good opportunity

YellowFlower201 · 29/09/2017 06:59

My rent as a student in London was £100p week many many many moons ago. They are taking the piss. Charge them at least £500 plus contributions to bills. They need to learn to adult otherwise they won't manage on their own.

Suggest a cleaner which they can pay for. Alternatively they can do their own washing and ironing.

Tell them you will do your own cooking going forward.

None of the above is unkind. They need to learn to stand on their own two feet. Your daughter is a spoilt brat. Treat her like an adult - everyone else does and she manages.

TroysMammy · 29/09/2017 07:00

When I lived at home I didn't do much housework. I would put my dirty clothes in the laundry basket, iron my own clothes and make my own lunch. I paid my parents £80 a month rent. This was 1986 though.

£100 a month and a maid in 2017. No wonder they are in no rush to move out.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 29/09/2017 07:01

I think I'd give them three options.

  1. They continue to get the deal they get now, but accept the constraints living in someone else's house virtually for free imposes on them. That is, laundry in the washing basket (you could get a plastic bin for their room) or all clothes strewn around at your weekly inspection of their room will be thrown away, any crap left out in areas of the house where it is inconveniencing other people similarly (during your daily tidy round), their room becoming a health hazard will result in two warnings and then being asked to leave.
  1. Market rent and they get to behave as they wish, basic levels of politeness and consideration (as to any landlord/houseshare member) to be respected.
  1. They move out.
NotAgainYoda · 29/09/2017 07:05

What Heteronormative said

I think that option 1 is probably what you'll feel most comfortable with, but it would require you to be incredibly strong about keeping to your side and not helping them and then feeling resentful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2017 07:06

Tell her she can pay for the shirt out of the thousands of pounds in rent they've saved. You say you don't have much money so why are you subsidising them?

I like Heteros suggestion. Although as you're struggling financially, I'd seriously consider offering only option 2 or 3.

NotAgainYoda · 29/09/2017 07:08

Yes, thinking about it, I think option 2 OR 3 is more clear-cut for you, both from a defensible, objective POV (you need the money), and would make you less likely to backtrack.

inconspicuousrhino · 29/09/2017 07:10

Destined to remain angry angry angry till I have a stroke and they put me in a nursing home and live in glorious squalor without me Grin

Loving the phrase glorious squalor and remembering it fondly from my own mid-twenties!
You'll just have to tell them straight that they get a great deal, their room is a hovel, and you did their washing because it stank. So if they don't like the level of service, either do their own washing promptly, or ship out.

peachgreen · 29/09/2017 07:11

I (alone) paid my parents £400 pcm when I moved in with them for 6 months after a nasty break up back in 2012. I did all my own washing, cleaned all of upstairs (including the other 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, cooked for the family 2 nights a week and felt that was a very fair arrangement.

You are definitely being too soft when it comes to rent, and they should keep communal areas clean. However, how often they do laundry is their own lookout, even if you disagree with it.

TheFirstMrsDV · 29/09/2017 07:12

I get your reasoning that low rent = easier for them to save up and move out.
But...100 a MONTH? Shock

C'mon op!
Why would they bother to look for somewhere else?
I thought it said £100 per week in the OP and that sounded cheap to me.

We would all like our kids to become mature, thoughtful adults but many people find it hard to break out of their teens when they are at home.
40 year olds can revert to 16 when they go back to mum's for a few days.

They wont behave like adults unless they are expected to. Charging £25 a week and providing housekeeping is NOT treating them like adults.

massi71 · 29/09/2017 07:12

Kick HIM out and make her do her own bloody stuff.

You're being a doormat!

I asked my DD who is 22 about your situation and she said WTF??!

Groovee · 29/09/2017 07:13

When we lived with the in laws, I cooked most nights, we did our own washing and tidied up after ourselves.

Stop cooking for them, let them sort themselves out and do their own washing.

And tell DD to stop being so entitled!

Clutterbugsmum · 29/09/2017 07:14

Personally I'd give them a month to move out.

And that last month they were living in my house they will be responsible for buying their food and doing washing, ironing. And any mess they leave in the communal area's would thrown into their bedroom.

It's time for tough love. Your DD is behaving like she is still a child, and not an adult.

greenberet · 29/09/2017 07:15

I feel for you OP we try and do the right thing by our kids but some take the f@@king piss - I am having battles with my two - they have learnt some entitled behaviour too - I blame the x in my case - never taught his kids how to respect what their mother did - only yesterday he posted some comment about having to do his own ironing - thought the fairy did it - he's 50ffs - that's because some woman has always done it for him - 1st his mother and then me! I haven't read all the replies - hope you sort something out

AdalindSchade · 29/09/2017 07:15

Wow you’re a mug
You wash and iron their clothes?!?? Why???
So they either pay you half market rent and do all their own housework or they fuck the fuck off. Get tough.

thegirlupnorth · 29/09/2017 07:18

Their room, their rules. Leave the door shut and ignore it. Personally I think it's an invasion of their privacy to go in and do their washing.

You are doing far too much for the rent they pay so back off. Put the roof over their head and let them do everything else for themselves.

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2017 07:19

ARE they saving any money, OP? Or do you just "how" they are?

You need a plan that involves seeing their savings or upping their rent, a limited time frame and a chores list, and an agreement not to go in their room.

paap1975 · 29/09/2017 07:19

Stop doing anything for her and give her a deadline for moving out

cornerstoned · 29/09/2017 07:19

why on earth are you washing and ironing their clothes???

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