Angry angry angry

[Sounbelievablydull]

Dd and her boyfriend live with us- they are both mid twenties- supposidly saving for their own place.
We charge minimal rent £100 pm each ( London) that includes everything food toiletries etc
They help out a bit not much cook dinner once a week
Other than that that not much else
This evening dd has flounced into the room where I'm watching to brandishing her boyfriends shirt complaining that I have somehow washed it inadequately so it has strange stains on it
She later came back in to show me that I'd washed it with a pen in a jacket of hers which had leaked
She's furious his shirt is ruined by me! And she will now have to buy him another to replace it- message is I should - I think??
yes I did go and get washing from their room because if I don't it piles up into a stinking pile
I also do their ironing - I feel really angry and am awaiting the onslaught of advice telling me what an idiot I am bring it on

"how" = "hope"

We had DSS and his GF back to.live with us while they saved for a deposit. They paid just £30 a week but did their own washing and cooking unless I was making something like Sunday dinner when I would cook for them. We also gave them a time limit of a year to get their deposit together (cheaper area of country)
They saved their 5% deposit and bought on help to buy and they are very happy .
Your story reminds me of the time my brother complained how my mum ironed his trousers. Next time she "accidentally" put the creases down the side .He soon started doing his own ironing

did yo not tell her how by leaving a pen in the shirt she risked ruining everything in the wash?
You answered yourself at the end of your original post.
It's up to you how much you charge and what you do for them as long as there is the respect and gratitude.

I can understand you helping your own child to save a deposit, but subsidising someone elses child (the BF) while they both treat you like shit? What are his parents doing to help him save a deposit? Seriously, I'd be giving them notice -and not 3 months'. This arrangement is not really helping them towards responsible adulthood - as someone else said, they are shielded from the reality og the costs and effort involved in running a home. You could let your daughter (and BF, though I wouldn't) move back in after a spell out on thrir own - hopefully with a radical attitude adjustment. If you are feeling about helping your daughter out, get a lodger in paying a market rent & bank the difference between the £100 pw she pays so you can give her a lump sum in a few years time. They both sound awful.

Wait until they're both out, then put all their stuff outside and change the locks.

Definitely make them do their own laundry and don't pay for the shirt. After all, your DD is at least half responsible for the damage by leaving a pen in her own clothes.

Providing their meals and toiletries is just crazy, too.

Eek! 2 of my older boys have had to move back home due to break ups with partners. Neither are high earners so they pay £40 a week each. However, they do their own washing and my rules still stand because it's MY house and I'm doing them a favour.

Feeling guilty...

Jeez £100 each a month will barely cover food and bills. Essentially they are getting totally free rent plus full cleaning, laundry and restaurant services for free!

They can use all the money they are saving to buy a new shirt, and flowers and chocolates for you as an apology.

Stop doing their laundry. Give them conditions of living there (they must clean bathroom and communal areas as part of rota, laundry must be done and room kept clean. Otherwise they are out on their arses.

You know op isn't going to take any of this good advice don't you? (You can just tell).

You've got to let your DD grow up OP!

Agree to replace the shirt and let them know you're doubling the rent and that it will be further increasing in £5 increments every month until it reaches £100 a week. Let them know they're more than welcome to move out if they don't like it.

Out of interest, do they buy their own food at least?

I think you sound like your own worst enemy!
Literally anything of theirs they leave around, chuck in the door of their room, shut the door and walk away.

Please listen to everyone, they will NEVER leave while they have a free cleaner, cook and laundry service. Do NOT do their washing any more, or their ironing. Set up a rota for cooking and if they don't want to do that then just cook your own things. This rude and ungrateful behaviour is exactly the right time for you to stop. And if the stink in their room is horrible just open the window in there as you leave 'because of the smell' and they'll soon be sick of coming home to a freezing cold room!

You need to set a time limit for this arrangement, otherwise where is their incentive to actually save and move out?

I'd sit them both down, tell them that you are very unhappy at being treated as if this is a hotel - and point out that their £200 per month contribution does not go anywhere near covering the expenses they incur. Tell them that the best thing for all concerned is that they need to move out so that they can have their own place. Having paid such a small amount of rent means they should already have a reasonable stash towards a place, so 3 months from now sounds fair.

Be utterly firm - and if either of them kicks off, then point out that this is YOUR home not THEIRS and that if they want an equal say in how things are done, then they are welcome to start paying a fair market rent - which incidentally will not include food, cleaning or laundry.

Tell them life is short & you have always dreamed of living in another city/ place Look at selling the house & moving to somewhere far away. Give 6 months for them to relocate. She will never appreciate exactly how much you are saving her/ supporting her until she has had to support herself

Greenrut -

I was really hoping they'd save and leave tbh
What was the agreement when they moved in? They must have indicated how long they thought they would need to be there for? If it hasn’t happened already (and it sounds like it hasn’t), they need to sit down with a calculator and work out exactly how long it will take to save enough of a deposit to move out. Are they even saving???

Also stop doing their washing and buying food for them. Have you told your daughter that it upsets you when she doesn’t help out?

Mumsnet ate my bloody post!

Summarised as if they want to have their own place, they need to learn to look after it, which they're not doing with mummy running around after them. If they don't like pulling their weight, set them free to find a better deal.

Kick them out.

They should be doing their own washing, the ungrateful brats. They should also be buying their own food, doing their own cooking etc. They're their to save money, not to get a free ride.

Whaaaaat! I'm mid twenties and would be embarrassed to behave like this! Cringe! Definitely stop doing their washing at the bare minimum OP!

Get them both together & say: I need to tell you that I have lined up a couple of lodgers who are paying X (correct amount.) for whom I obviously. will not be providing, food or laundry or maid service.
You will need to match the rent or move out.
Obviously. if you wish to stay, basic rules of hygene/access to kitchen/washing machine/iron will be as per lodgers.
However if choose to stay, I will put aside x (part of your rent) as savings for your future flat deposit. so you should be able to plan this for December.
Up to you, I will need an answer by Monday morning as have to confirm with new lodger

Gently give them notice today that you do not wish to either be their maid or live in a student house. They either keep their clothes, room, and shared environments to YOUR standards, not theirs, and treat you with respect, or in 3 months they will have to move out. Do not pay for the shirt, do not do any more washing. If they don't do it, follow through and give them notice. I would also increase the rent.

It's a kind thing to only charge £100 p/m for rent allowing them to save.

I certainly wouldn't be buying their toiletries - shower gel/shampoo etc I would expect them to contribute to the cost (even if they give you some cash so you can grab them with the weekly shop)

At the age of 20 something they should be doing their own washing and helping out with chores. Granted if you have a half full load and they have a couple of tops, throw them in. But I wouldn't be collecting things from their room.

Are they actually saving or are they going to continue to freeload of you?

What struck me from your post is that your DAUGHTER thought SHE should pay for a new shirt. She didn't leave the pen in the pocket or put it in the wash. Now you and your daughter are falling out.

What is their relationship like generally?

good point, we have all leapt on the atrocities of her being annoyed at you whereas in fact she is prostrating herself to him, by offering she or perhaps you, buy him a new shirt.

that needs to be nipped in the bud, her attitude towards him