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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put all of yesterday's washing up on DH's car bonnet

377 replies

drfostersbra · 26/09/2017 06:07

I cook, DH washes up. Well that's the agreement that we come to every few months after a huge row when I ask why he has decided not to wash up again.

If there's one thing that pushes my buttons, it's coming downstairs in the morning after cooking a lovely meal the night before and finding stinking dirty washing up.

I'm at home all day with our very mobile baby today and there's no side board space to prepare food and a bad smell that I have to sit with all day.

Bastard.
So would I be U to put it all in on his car bonnet so he will need to move it before he starts his day (as I will have to do)
It annoys me that it's always good for a few months then he leaves it for one night, I let it go, 2 nights I think 'oh he must be tired I'll do it', 3 nights hmm he's slacking. 4 nights arggggh!

OP posts:
woosey35 · 28/09/2017 21:20

Dextersilver. I agree I'm afraid.

You probably push his buttons sometimes too. Is this really reason to kick off about??
How hard is it to wash up while looking after a baby/toddler??

woosey35 · 28/09/2017 21:23

Surely in a marriage you look at all that needs to be done OVERALL and split it. So that includes hours at work outside the home, etc. If DH had been at work then those hours should be calculated into the factor. The fact he was working the next day should also factor?

Wheresmytaco · 28/09/2017 21:23

Can none of you read?

Wheresmytaco · 28/09/2017 21:24

They both work.

They were both home.

She cooked dinner.

He didn't clean it up.

He left it over night for her to do the next day

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2017 21:26

Oh my god. The op is at work. Just as much as the dh. From other comments you can clearly read so I guess you simply cannot compute a woman having a job? I can't think of any other reason you can't absorb that information.
Honey, taco is saying that if you think making your sons change a nappy means they are in an abusive relationship ... never mind.

whatdidImiss · 28/09/2017 21:28

Even though I do most if the domestic stuff here, I would not appreciate being told to do it "NOW!". Imagine if the laundry wasn't done and DH threatened to put it on my car.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 28/09/2017 21:33

Actually, timethingy, I do mind. I said no such thing.

Dextersilver · 28/09/2017 21:38

Sorry didn't read full thread.

Still doesn't Still right with me though.

You would rather sit in a smelly house with dirty dished then just do them?

Why couldn't you do the dishes and then say " hi babe/snuggums/mate, I had to wash up this morning as the kitchen was in a right mess and it was really smelly. It's not really fair as our agreement said otherwise please just make a little more effort to do it next time. Thanks babes/snuggums/mate."

Why be so hostile and petty.

I would be so upset if OH did this to me because I didn't fancy washing up. Or i didn't put a load of washing on. Wouldn't empty the contents of the fridge if you didn't want to cook?

Surely you can talk it through like adults. Who needs to argue about washing up! Life's to short!

PickAChew · 28/09/2017 21:39

Aye, but the washing up is pretty much a daily thing. I do wash as I go, while I cook, as far as possible, and our kitchen is still a disaster area after dinner. Leaving it a flthy tip until the morning does not save anyone any time or effort (except maybe the lazy, disrespectful arse who is trying to duck out of a job that's meant to be their agreed responsibility) - in fact dried on food is harder to wash off. Meantime, the kitchen is virtually unusable to make packed lunches, breakfasts etc and just not at all nice.

Toadinthehole · 28/09/2017 21:42

Dextersilver,

You are assuming that our OHs are capable of talking things though, listening, and doing their fair share like adults.

Dextersilver · 28/09/2017 21:44

Mine is. That's why I married him. Not sure why you would marry some some who can't talk like a grown up! I hate drama though and so does OH. If you have a problem just say it, resolve it and move on. It makes life and marriage much easier and happier.

Toadinthehole · 28/09/2017 21:47

Good for you.

Mittens1969 · 28/09/2017 21:47

I have felt frustrated with my DH when he hasn't done something he agreed he would do, like wash up the saucepans, so I understand why the OP was frustrated.

It's the same thing with looking after the DDs. For example, I've gone out to do the shopping and asked if he can make sure they get dressed and clean their teeth. I come back and they're still in their night things. Grrrr!

Dextersilver · 28/09/2017 21:49

Thank you Toad

Toadinthehole · 28/09/2017 21:53

You're welcome. I live in hope that some day the scales will fall from DW's eyes. She is generally capable of reason, otherwise I daresay our marriage would be over.

PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 21:56

From other comments you can clearly read so I guess you simply cannot compute a woman having a job?

Oh they can compute it. They just don't care. She's the woman, so it really doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do, or what he does or doesn't do. He's the man, and the measure of a calm and peaceful house is how satisfied he is with the amount of shitwork he doesn't have to do. Only women are harangued and told it's not a big deal and they should just suck it up to keep the house nice. And only men get told they're doing their fair share through chores that need doing once a month at the most.

For fuck's sake.

PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 21:59

Why couldn't you do the dishes and then say " hi babe/snuggums/mate, I had to wash up this morning as the kitchen was in a right mess and it was really smelly. It's not really fair as our agreement said otherwise please just make a little more effort to do it next time. Thanks babes/snuggums/mate."

Because:

a) that's infantilising and patronising to men
b) she shouldn't have to tiptoe around the fact that he's reneging on his responsibilities and expecting her to pick up his shit, almost literally
c) it won't work because it's easy to ignore
c) he's treating her like FUCKING SHIT and she has the right to be angry about it!

If a man were being treated like a skivvy in any context whatsoever, would you be telling him to take such a drippy, saccharine, softly-softly approach to asserting himself? Would you FUCK.

Dextersilver · 28/09/2017 22:10

poor embarrassingly this is how me and OH talk to each other. And it works. Just be nice to each other and things work out well.

I didn't think we were "drippy, drippy" but never mind. Our marriage works I suppose. And we never seem to have to
a) bitch/moan about each other online
B) threaten each other
C) actually do weird things like cover our cars in dirty dishes
D)talk to each other in any other way than with respect

I don't know why it surprises so many people that actually couples can get on with marriage so successfully because they just get on with it!! No added drama needed.

Smarshian · 28/09/2017 22:12

Just read this thread and howled at honeybeemum - sent it to my (imperfect- aren't we all!) DH who also howled - best laugh I've had this week! Grin

woosey35 · 28/09/2017 22:20

I'd be mega naffed off if he put the laundry in my car cos I was too knackered to do it!!
Come on..surely just do it?! Life's too short to sit in a kitchen with shitty smelling dishes cos you're too stubborn not to do them??!!

Smarshian · 28/09/2017 22:24

Oh cos the laundry is obviously her job too Hmm

Maireadplastic · 28/09/2017 22:25

Yes I am real Honeybee.
My children probably do want for stuff- no bad thing in my book.
My husband and I work pretty hard but not so hard that we don't have time for each other or our 3 boys.
My husband does whatever cooking or cleaning or whatever needs doing, just as his father did. Maybe because he's Canadian (often more progressive than men I hear about here) or maybe just because he's intelligent.

PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 22:34

embarrassingly this is how me and OH talk to each other. And it works.

Well it doesn't work for OP and her lazy, entitled, selfish husband, so stick that in your sink and wash it up.

I didn't think we were "drippy, drippy"

Well I do. I find that kind of tone utterly nauseating. But it doesn't matter that it works for you and your marriage, because your marriage isn't the one we're discussing. In the OP's marriage, her husband consistently shirks his agreed responsibilities, assuming the little woman will pick it up for him, and being all sweet and sickly isn't working. You can yammer on about your own marriage, and respect that OP's husband is clearly lacking, but ultimately the discussion is not about you and your relationship. It's about the OP's.

So yes, it's time for her to get angry.

Dextersilver · 28/09/2017 22:44

Drip drip drip.

It's in the sink, i think i will just leave it for OH to do though.

Your points are valid, however there should never be a need to get angry in such an aggressive and violent way.

PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 22:55

You're deflecting, as apologists for this crap always do. First it's all 'why make such a big deal, just do it yourself', though oddly this never gets directed to the man who actually should be doing it. Then it's 'oh just tell him nicely, the little pookiebum, I'm always so sweet to my little snookums, if only you were like me your marriage would be perfect' and then, when forced to concede that yes, actually, he's acting like an utterly disrespectful pig and treating her like his personal slave, it becomes 'well, she shouldn't be so angry about it'.

On top of all the usual shite that gets vomited forth about WHY CAN'T THE LITTLE WOMAN JUST GET ON WITH IT IT'S NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL UNLESS HE HAS TO DO IT AND THEN IT'S A MASSIVE ISSUE, I just can't with this saccharine bollocks any more. OP, you are in the right. You've tried talking to him, you've tried reasoning with him, the only way he will change will be if the fucking washing up disrupts him the way it disrupts you. Do what you gotta do and never mind what works in Cloud Dexter Land.