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AIBU?

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Original poster

To put all of yesterday's washing up on DH's car bonnet

377 replies

drfostersbra · 26/09/2017 06:07

I cook, DH washes up. Well that's the agreement that we come to every few months after a huge row when I ask why he has decided not to wash up again.

If there's one thing that pushes my buttons, it's coming downstairs in the morning after cooking a lovely meal the night before and finding stinking dirty washing up.

I'm at home all day with our very mobile baby today and there's no side board space to prepare food and a bad smell that I have to sit with all day.

Bastard.
So would I be U to put it all in on his car bonnet so he will need to move it before he starts his day (as I will have to do)
It annoys me that it's always good for a few months then he leaves it for one night, I let it go, 2 nights I think 'oh he must be tired I'll do it', 3 nights hmm he's slacking. 4 nights arggggh!

OP posts:
Josephinelavelle · 28/09/2017 16:58

I think all we are saying is that maybe there is another way to deal with things - other than constantly nag, criticize and constantly feed negativity towards the person we love. My DH is human, same as me. Choosing to be a loving, kind person in spite of the other persons faults makes for a happier life.

PickAChew · 28/09/2017 17:03

Aye, and if op ends up doing all her own washing up, her husband won't have anyone to do his for him, either.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 28/09/2017 17:04

I rather live on my own!

expatinscotland · 28/09/2017 17:04

Honeybee, people are still legally obligated to pay to financially support their offspring whether they are resident parents or not. As for the suggestion that a woman needs to do the lifework and shut up and put up to keep a partner she procreated with, well, better to be single in such a case and show her child not to put up with someone who has so little respect for pulling his or her own weight in life he/she feels even washing up (since it takes no time at all, naturally) is beneath him/her. No one who would completely walk away from his/her own child is worth keeping. At all. Full stop. Such people are twats.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2017 17:09

'I think all we are saying is that maybe there is another way to deal with things - other than constantly nag, criticize and constantly feed negativity towards the person we love. My DH is human, same as me. Choosing to be a loving, kind person in spite of the other persons faults makes for a happier life.'

But apparently it doesn't work both ways, it's the woman's remit to do this. Because he agreed this was his task, he took it on voluntarily. Then reneged. But it's up to the female OP to make nicey nice about all this. Yeah, that really makes for a happier life . . . on Planet Stepford, where she does not want to live Hmm.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 28/09/2017 17:35

timeisnotaline - Let's assume you are genuine.

You have taken this 'imperfect' human and turned him into your idea of the perfect husband.

Congratulations. I am sure he looks delightful waving a feather duster in his pinny.

PoorYorick · 28/09/2017 17:37

I think all we are saying is that maybe there is another way to deal with things

Yes, where the woman sacrifices herself and bottles up quite righteous anger and resentment to keep the man served and happy, which apologists like you confuse with a peaceful home and love. After all, as long as the man doesn't have to do anything he doesn't like, who gives a fuck what the woman has to go through?

Maybe if you love someone you don't expect them to do an unfair amount of shitwork just so you can be idle and self indulgent?

Bore off already.

HappyLabrador · 28/09/2017 17:44

I am just aware that if a man called a woman a twat screamed at her, pushed her out of the way they could rightly be called abusive.

Absolutely you would, especially on MN. If the roles were reversed you'd be getting told he was controlling, emotionally abusive, potentially dangerous because of the physical pushing, and to LTB.

But your response (according to some on this thread) was justified because he didn't wash some dishes?

Unbelievable bullshit MN double standards.

Ropsleybunny · 28/09/2017 17:45

Sniff sniff 👀

Get back under your bridge, I'm not feeding you again.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 28/09/2017 17:48

Expatinscotland - Single parent families are inevitably worse of financially. The absent parent will have separate living expenses, especially if he goes on to have another family. Obviously this will limit what is available to his first family.

Training an imperfect husband is unlikely to be successful (although it can be done, if timeisnotaline is genuine), so probably not to be recommended.

If OP is happier without her husband she needs to be honest Relentless nagging and vengeful behaviour is a form of abuse that will make neither of them happy.

Expeditionleader · 28/09/2017 17:48

Being lumbered with doing the dishes after eating, all the time, is a raw deal. The person who cooks gets the good bit!
And I don't even like cooking Smile

Josephinelavelle · 28/09/2017 17:55

I wonder if op's husband has had the following though pop into his head today - 'oh bugger, I forgot to do the washing again last night, best make sure I remember tonight' and then got on with his day. Meanwhile we've been having a heated discussion that's lasted best part of a day lol.

StormTreader · 28/09/2017 17:55

Honeybees posts are genuinely confusing me.

So, the OP and her partner both work, 50/50.
What exactly is the argument then that the housework shouldnt also be 50/50? Why isnt she telling him that if he doesnt step up, he'll be doing all the cooking and cleaning as well as the washing up hes supposed to be doing because HE will lose HER? Why is the assumption that he wont have the kids at least 50% of the time? Why is she advocating that he gets such special allowances and treatment, is he exhausted dragging his massive penis around all day or something?

Josephinelavelle · 28/09/2017 18:04

I think honeybee is saying that, in a situation when the man is basically a good willed person, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 28/09/2017 18:10

StormTreader - I think your confusion is between the real world and what many on Mumsnet pretend to believe is the real world.

The real world is a lot more like what some on here disingenuously refer to as the '1950s'. They prefer to believe that what they wish for can come about just by wishing.

In the real world, the parent left behind is almost always the mother.

In the real world, the greatest share of the financial, domestic, clearing up vomit in the middle of the night responsibility falls on the mother.

Stamp your feet, scream 'It's not fair' and have 90% of Mumsnet agree with you that your husband is the devil incarnate, you cannot change the truth.

That is the real world. Here. Now. In 2017.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 28/09/2017 18:11

Thank you Josephine.

allwomanR · 28/09/2017 18:16

Don't cook for him, only for yourself wash your own dishes up. Drove me mad when my ex used to leave dishes. In the end I pointed out all the pans were 'mine' too and said he couldn't use them until he got the message. Angry it's not petty- it's taking the piss not to do your share especially with a baby in the house!

Wheresmytaco · 28/09/2017 18:18

men will be men it's the way it Is

Hmm funny all those men in the army manage to clean after themselves. Or are they not 'manly'?

Wheresmytaco · 28/09/2017 18:20

yes, in the real world sexism is rife. Your partner's who treat you like skivvies don't respect youyou can suck it up, make dinner and give him a blow job or you can stomp your feet and expect more.

whatdidImiss · 28/09/2017 18:27

If they both work similar hours then they need to come to an arrangement. There is however, no point flogging a dead horse or wasting time shouting about washing up.

Different things bother different people and certain people naturally gravitate towards certain things. So if he's not going to wash up as required by the OP, he needs to tell her the things he is going to do. Maybe she doesn't see those things?

My DH does no housework, washing up or cooking and I would not ask him to. It's not the 50s. It's because I don't work and Kids at school all day. It's because I have a cleaner a few times a week and he works very long hours. So if all I need to do is a bit of cleaning / tidying up between the cleaner visits and sort dinner for him and the kids / clear away - fine. I do things for him so he doesn't have to. He does things for me so I don't have to.

Don't waste time faffing about. Get a dishwasher for a start (if you have space) and be done with it. Nobody in their right mind leaves washing up festering all day.

motherinferior · 28/09/2017 18:29

Not in my house it's not. Of course it isn't. Here, in 2017. Because, you know, feminism. And education. And having a partner who realises how nasty it would be to leave all the domestic crap to me.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 28/09/2017 18:34

My husband adores me. He does everything he possibly could to make me happy.

He is also a great provider and loving father to our five children. He and I are completely devoted to our children and each other. Our children have everything they could wish for, because my husband works hard at a demanding job.

I take great joy in making a comfortable home for all of us.

It is with great pride that I can tell you that I have never expected him to wash a dish or change a nappy. That is my job.

My husband is a clever and remarkable man. Our lives would be much poorer without him. Making a clean and comfortable home for him is not too great a price to pay.

pigeondujour · 28/09/2017 18:53

Bit weird ^

PickAChew · 28/09/2017 18:58

DH is laughing at your post, Honeybee mum

And he's both changed a nappy (including cleaning up after the rather unpleasant job it turned out to be) and washed the dishes, in the past hour, without having to be asked.

Josephinelavelle · 28/09/2017 18:59

Whatever she's doing, it's working for her and her family. She sounds pretty sorted to me.

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