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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put all of yesterday's washing up on DH's car bonnet

377 replies

drfostersbra · 26/09/2017 06:07

I cook, DH washes up. Well that's the agreement that we come to every few months after a huge row when I ask why he has decided not to wash up again.

If there's one thing that pushes my buttons, it's coming downstairs in the morning after cooking a lovely meal the night before and finding stinking dirty washing up.

I'm at home all day with our very mobile baby today and there's no side board space to prepare food and a bad smell that I have to sit with all day.

Bastard.
So would I be U to put it all in on his car bonnet so he will need to move it before he starts his day (as I will have to do)
It annoys me that it's always good for a few months then he leaves it for one night, I let it go, 2 nights I think 'oh he must be tired I'll do it', 3 nights hmm he's slacking. 4 nights arggggh!

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 28/09/2017 14:08

This thread has been too infected by stupids for me to be able to follow anymore

[hides thread]

hostageofateen · 28/09/2017 14:12

To Scottish retreat - By "rest of us " I was referring to us stay at home mothers whose partners are at work all day ( and night in some cases )whilst we are home with the baby - it isn't hard ! - if you don't like the situation you are in change it ! Go out to work - don't moan about a bit of washing up.

motherinferior · 28/09/2017 14:18

SHE DOES GO OUT TO WORK

But even if she didn't, that wouldn't surely mean her husband was let off the day-to-day stuff? You've just said it's minor...well, it won't take him long, then, will it.

ShellbyWolfe · 28/09/2017 14:23

My mum bought us (me) - dishwasher when we moved i to our current house. At the time I said I didn't want one but she convinced me and I'm so glad now that we have one. It really doesn't take as long and it doesn't smell because you just put it all in and close the door. It's part of my evening routine now. My DH has just gone back into the kitchen as a chef so he works evenings. It's bliss. I make food for my DS and me, sit down together to eat (he's 9 months and BLW), then I get him in the bath and bed, then I clear the whole kitchen and stack the dishwasher and put it on in 30 mins. Then sit down for me time! (Ready to be up all night ha). It's easier because DH simply isn't here ! Either he or I unloads the dishwasher in the morning.
Personally I would seriously consider getting a dishwasher, it'll change everything for you. I also wouldn't bang your head against the wall RE DH not doing washing up. Ask him genuinely why he doesn't do it, without arguing. My DH actually gave a really valid answer as to why he continually left his shoes in the hallway in my way rather than putting them in the shoe rack. After I understood it bothered me less or I just moved them, but eventually he just put them away. Most of the time... if it was me I would ask your DH to do something else he doesn't mind doing like putting clothes away or hanging washing on airer etc. Give him another task that's helpful to you and just swallow the washing up (you'll likely do it faster and better anyway!) or give it to the dishwasher- seriously it's the best!!
Good luck xx

Afternooncatnap · 28/09/2017 14:29

I had the cleaning argument with my dh for years. I know it's seems defeatist but just doing every thing myself has solved a lot of problems. I only asked that he doesn't leave stuff lying around. At the end of the day, he's happy to live in a cesspit, I'm not so I clean

hostageofateen · 28/09/2017 14:34

WOW - motherinferior - Its washing up !!!!!!
If you are the type of person who will cut off your nose to spite your face then leave the washing up , don't vacuum or polish - leave the house to go to shite while you sit there all day leaving comments on mumsnet - I haven't followed this thread all day because I've had stuff to do.

motherinferior · 28/09/2017 14:35

Why the HELL should she 'ask' him or 'give him' tasks? He lives and eats there too! It's his responsibility as much as it is hers.

motherinferior · 28/09/2017 14:36

Of course I don't do my partner's share of the housework. Why would I?

Mittens1969 · 28/09/2017 14:36

Seriously, get a dishwasher! It makes such a difference when the washing up can just be put inside it and the dishwasher switched on. You wouldn't believe how much less stressful your life becomes. I'm another one who hates dishes being left in the sink, it's so depressing.

But I agree, in the meantime, your DH should have done the dishes.

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2017 14:49

Mumsnet ... where the 50s are alive and scrubbing the floors. I have no idea how you can be happy living with these men. Or think genuinely that 'they are wired differently' as opposed to the reality 'their mothers spoilt them rotten and they are lazy and selfish'

Mittens1969 · 28/09/2017 14:55

Mumsnet ... where the 50s are alive and scrubbing the floors. I have no idea how you can be happy living with these men. Or think genuinely that 'they are wired differently' as opposed to the reality 'their mothers spoilt them rotten and they are lazy and selfish'

100% this. I'll always remember a couple in my old church. Never mind not being able to boil an egg, he phoned his wife to ask how to open an egg that had already been boiled!! My DH was shocked that any man would be that helpless, but of course his wife enabled his so-called helplessness.

PickAChew · 28/09/2017 15:24

'll always remember a couple in my old church. Never mind not being able to boil an egg, he phoned his wife to ask how to open an egg that had already been boiled!!

What? Has the useless tit never heard of a Dremel multitool?

Nevertoomuch22 · 28/09/2017 15:33

My neighbour has 6 children under the age ranging from six and under. Her husband works hard to provide for them. she cooks and washes up and also manages to be a great mother.

Do the washing up and stop being lazy. Men will be men its the way it is!

Believeitornot · 28/09/2017 15:37

My neighbour has 6 children under the age ranging from six and under. Her husband works hard to provide for them. she cooks and washes up and also manages to be a great mother

And she works hard looking after all those children so he doesn't have to Hmm

motherinferior · 28/09/2017 15:45

Please tell me that post was a joke. Please.

HE is the one being lazy.

I cook and do washing and earn a living and manage to be a fairly adequate parent and so does my male partner.

MyKingdomForBrie · 28/09/2017 15:46

men will be men it's the way it is

NO IT FUCKING ISN'T

Child rearing is harder than the majority of paid work. The role of the person staying home should be balanced with the role of the person out of the home, if there is one of each, as it should be if you boTh work out of the home. Not one working 9-5 and the other working 24/7.

Why do women constantly underplay the amount of work involved in looking after kids all day? It's absurd.

PickAChew · 28/09/2017 15:46

The goadyfucker is strong in some of these, I think.

motherinferior · 28/09/2017 15:48

Are you all bringing your sons up to be lazy shirkers too? Because I can tell you now, girls like mine - and all their friends - are going to turn them down flat.

Josephinelavelle · 28/09/2017 15:51

No I'm not bringing my son up to be lazy. But, on the other hand I hope his future wife treats him respect and loves him for who he is - including his faults.

notsobeachready · 28/09/2017 15:59

I had a similar problem where DH wanted a bloody gold star and extreme gratitude for washing up. I always cook and don't get nearly as much commendation (maybe my lack of cooking skills Wink). I did not give it and told him to start cooking. He got fish and chips that evening and now hardly ever whinges Grin fight fire with fire I say!

Josephinelavelle · 28/09/2017 16:14

My DH and I constantly encourage & thank each other. We tell each other what a great job the other is doing. Even when I'm having a bad day and feel like I'm doing more of my fair share, I will find something he's done right and magnify that. He does same with me.
Rather than drain each other with negativity, we try and build each other up. We value a peaceful home, above winning rows.

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2017 16:31

When you see that research about children with working mothers are more capable and gender balanced and girls are more ambitious , I've always thought hmm I had a stay at home mum and was definitely inspired and encouraged to be responsible, competent and reach for the stars as were my siblings.... I suddenly understand those research results. Three cheers for working mums. (Quick reminder: the OP is a WORKING MUM. Her dh works PARTTIME).

HoneyBeeMum1 · 28/09/2017 16:36

The OP works part time. That's hardly going to break her back.

The 'hilarious' digs about the 1950s might be amusing for some, but the OP needs to think seriously about whether she wants to end up doing the washing up and everything else, including providing financially for her family on her own.

That is the potential reality for her if her husband decides he cannot bear to come home any more because of her spiteful and vengeful behaviour.

I suspect she would not like it at all if she gets so wound up about a bit of washing up. She will probably find the work of two parents is more onerous than she thinks. By then he will be gone.

Keeping your husband and family together is worth giving up what you think is the moral high ground. Unless of course, there is more to your dissatisfaction than you have revealed.

If you no longer love him, carry on as you have and take the advice of the 'modern' women on here. Just remember it is easy to give advice when you do not have to live with the consequences.

Consider as well whether these same people would take their own advice; and, if they already have, whether they still live with their children's fathers. I suspect many do not.

There is nothing wrong or old fashioned or demeaning in being a loving wife.Try it. Your husband will love you more for it.

Behaviour breeds behaviour.

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2017 16:46

Let's assume you are genuine honeybee I have taken my advice , every bit of it. It's why I'm still married, to a lovely man and an amazing father who was spoilt rotten by his mother. He is not prone to thinking about things so It has taken some serious explosions to generate the message that he has bloody well better care about this stuff. If I hasnt eh would be firmly in the class of 'oh but men just don't see this stuff' No- he never had to see this stuff growing up as he was protected by his mother from taking any responsibility for his own life or those around him. Then he married me Grin He recognises completely that we both need to pull our weight to have a good marriage. I need to be able to be ill or super busy and we can still take holidays because either of us could organise something. We both need to able to manage a house and look after our child. I wouldn't accept any other scenario and I don't let things slip. We are going to have more beautiful children and down the track be very happily retired and go for walks together :) hth!

Lunde · 28/09/2017 16:47

Amazed by the numbers of PPs who are unable to read!

OP is not "home all day"

  • OP works part time
  • Op's DH also works part time

Astounded by the numbers making excuses for the lazy DH

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