To put all of yesterday's washing up on DH's car bonnet

[drfostersbra]

I cook, DH washes up. Well that's the agreement that we come to every few months after a huge row when I ask why he has decided not to wash up again.

If there's one thing that pushes my buttons, it's coming downstairs in the morning after cooking a lovely meal the night before and finding stinking dirty washing up.

I'm at home all day with our very mobile baby today and there's no side board space to prepare food and a bad smell that I have to sit with all day.

Bastard.
So would I be U to put it all in on his car bonnet so he will need to move it before he starts his day (as I will have to do)
It annoys me that it's always good for a few months then he leaves it for one night, I let it go, 2 nights I think 'oh he must be tired I'll do it', 3 nights hmm he's slacking. 4 nights arggggh!

[drfostersbra]

I work part time as does DH

[drfostersbra]

And I'm in and out of our home not at home all day. I take DD out.

[goldensyrupisshit]

Ffs it doesn’t take all day to wash up just get it done. Then tell the lazy bastard as he’s incapable of washing up he’s now head chef

[picklemepopcorn]

Get a take away and talk about a different system. Say you get really miserable and angry when the current system breaks down, and hate fighting about it.

Ask what different ways you could do that would work better.

Suggest that you each cook and clean alternate nights, or that you do Three, he does three, and you eat out/have takeaway/snack food the last night.

Don't start from 'you are letting me down, not pulling your weight etc' start from 'this isn't working, I hate feeling miserable'.

[VikingVolva]

It's the broken agreement, rather than the task that the issue, isn't it?

He says he'll do something then doesn't, even though he knows it'll lead to a row. He is showing that he doesn't care enough to live up to what he said he would do, and doesn't care about the impact on OP. Because this is close to a setttled behaviour, as it's happened so many times, and it's a shitty one.

OP: swop your main meal to lunchtime and deal with the washing up yourself. Tell him it's only ever sandwiches (or anything else which generates no washing up) in the evenings.

[AlternativeTentacle]

Why isn't it done straight after eating?

You really need to stop cooking for him until it is done.

[drfostersbra]

It's not that simple. I would literally end up doing everything if we just went with the flow. He has a tendency towards eating bowls of cereal for tea (food isn't important to him) whereas i love nutritious food and need to cook for DD anyway.
I love a clean bathroom whereas he doesn't care if it's clean or not and so on.
After lots of arguments over the years we've come up with a system that ensures it's a done with minimal arguing.
So when he leaves it it upsets me.

[Ropsleybunny]

So when he leaves it, it upsets me 💐

I totally get you OP. There has to be consequences for his behaviour, something that really punishes him, otherwise he'll just carry on.

[The80sweregreat]

could you invest or have room for a dishwasher? i know he still has to load it all, but at least then the dirty dishes are out the way and leaves the sides clean.
It can be his job to put the salt/ rinse aid in and put it on when its full of course, unload, but it would make a difference. It has to our life over the years.

[guilty100]

Get a dishwasher. Even if you have to move a cupboard out of a small kitchen to do it. It sounds like this issue is really affecting your relationship and IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

[Ropsleybunny]

This is about him not doing something he has agreed to do. What's wrong with you lot, can't you read? 😳

[Marcipex]

Wash up as you go, put pans to soak while you eat, rinse any debris straight away, then there won't be a huge mess.

[mustbetimeforacreamtea]

Ropsleybunny I'd suggest going to the in-laws for meals - they brought dh up to think this was acceptable. Also more likely to result in changes I would have thought...

[eddielizzard]

he's being an arse. yes, dump his washing on the car. he did agree, it is fair that he does the washing up, and he should uphold the agreement.

have you asked him why he didn't do the washing up? he must have seen it and thought 'nah i'll leave it to dr. foster'. grrrr

[Pennina]

Has OP's dh offered anything in his defence?! I agree that from what we see here he's guilty of not doing something he's agreed to do. However, I just wouldn't/couldn't leave it all day if I was at home. I would just make sure that Dh was reminded of his side of the deal next time.

[timeisnotaline]

Who are all these posters? This issue is absolutely worth it. It's fundamental to a successful marriage that men don't fundamentally assume housework isn't important because their wife wi do it as having squeezed out a baby makes her the housekeeper. It is very easy to be out all day with a baby / small child. It is extremely manageable to do a bit of housework in the evenings like all couples who work both have to do. The op works part time - the rest of her hours probably feel barely enough for parenting. My dh gets up early and cleans the kitchen , this started while I was on maternity leave as he could see I wasn't getting much sleep and couldn't do the baby and the house. YANBU op. Don't 'just do them fgs'. And why on earth should it be the ops job to work out a better system? Did she not marry a functional adult?
Perhaps message him and say if you don't walk in the door , head straight to the kitchen and wash the dishes there will be no dinner tonight. I'm not arguing about it again and it pisses me off having a dirty kitchen all day unless I do the one thing you've agreed to. If this was your job you'd have had fair warning many times over and been fired, don't treat me like I don't count.

[lovelycuppateas]

My ex dh used to do this. It's not the washing up, it's the contempt for your partner's time that's the issue, and the idea that you are simply too good / too tired for menial jobs that have to be done to keep the house running ok. My solution was to get rid then get another partner who sees housework as a team effort, but maybe that's a bit extreme?

[paq]

YANBU. I can't believe all the posters who think you should wash up. He's being an arse.

[5rivers7hills]

Send him that article "my wife left me because I didn't wash up"

[Yorkshiremum17]

We have this arrangement in our house, who ever cooks the other person washes up. Sometimes I can't be bothered to wash up in an evening, but I always do it first thing the next day.
If it's something you have both agreed to, then he should do it,I would turf him or of bed to get it done. Or pop it all in the washing up bowl ready for him when he gets home. Yes it will be a pain for you but why should he get away with it.

[PickAChew]

Leaving dishes overnight is pretty rank. I can understand why you're annoyed. Whether it takes going at him with both barrels or PA comments about washing up fairies, you need to really stamp on this basic lack of respect. No pussyfooting around about arrangements that might work better. He's an adult, ffs.

[PickAChew]

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

[Foxysoxy01]

STOP cooking for him!
Why are you so reluctant to do this? I can't see how else you can make a point that will actually affect him.

[keepcalmandfuckon]

Bloody hell OP's not a maid. Just because he's at work during the day doesn't mean he can come home and neglect all housework. She's looking after their baby all day.
Leave the dishes. And don't cook dinner tonight. Organise dinner for yourself and baby.