Friend is pissed off with me, WIBU to correct her?

[teenytinypontypine]

It is a breastfeeding one, sorry.

Group of 4 of us female friends out for lunch. I have an almost three y o who I breastfed for 13 months and FWIW it was fucking agony wasn't easy for the first couple of months but I stuck it out and am pleased I did. Other friend "A" has a 5 month old who is FF. I don't care a jot. Feed your baby however you like.

Other two ladies are both currently pregnant, due within a few weeks of each other around Xmas time, and over lunch conversation turns to feeding.

Friend A says she really wanted to bf but couldn't. She said her milk didn't come in because she had an elcs, so baby was starving and unhappy and she had to give up. "How long did you try for?" asks pregnant friend - answer: 18 hours. Cue sympathetic tutting from pregnant friends about how hard that must have been.

So, I sort of couldn't help myself but explain that your milk usually doesn't come in at birth, but more usually a few days later. And that newborn stomachs are v little and hardly take any filling at all. And that newborns physiologically are prepared for mum's milk not coming in for a few days so usually do just fine. Oh and that people having a section usually can bf. And yes, I know there are some circumstances where these things aren't true, but in the main this is what happens.

"A" got visibly riled - reporting that her baby was much happier as soon as she got a bottle. I gave her a big grin and said that's fine and clearly she is a happy, growing little girl and doing perfectly well on formula. But I told her I thought it was only fair to point out to pregnant friends some basic facts about bf. Especially as I am a fucking doctor.

Basically, she feels that by correcting or questioning her version of events I am judging her for not trying for longer. On the contrary, I couldn't give a flying fuck what she does wrt feeding, but I do care that she is spreading misinformation to pregnant friends. I have a duty as a bloody doctor to not just sit by and let someone's opinion stand as fact when I know evidence to the contrary.

So WIBU to correct her like that? Should I have just nodded and smiled and caught my two pregnant friends later to give them a more balanced view?

Yanbu. She needs to accept she couldn't/didn't breastfeed and make peace with her decision instead of being upset with anybody who corrects her. With one of the lowest breastfeeding rates in Europe, we don't need anyone peddling myths about breastfeeding.

"I will give her a call in the morning and tell her I was out of line to make her feel judged like that, it wasn't my intention."

Yes, you should do that.

The reason I avoid health discussions with doc neighbours is that they are just people, and as such can slip into "turning on the voice of authority" in relation to topics they know very little about. They do this without realising, especially when tired. Opinions on autism from a gastroenterologist anyone? No thanks.

In contrast if conversation turns to a subject that they know about but the public doesn't, they keep silent or say "I think you should talk to your GP about that".

If your comments had been as "woven in" as you thought, this wouldn't have happened.

After just having my first baby after emergency section I had a lovely old school breastfeeding nurse. I had no milk and my baby wasn't latching but I felt confident. Expressing those tiny mls of colostrum was triumphant.

She went off shift then this bitch of a midwife came strolling in telling me I was starving my baby.

OP, I have told a good few friends who have tried breastfeeding but it didn't work out the exact same thing as you did.

FWIW I ended up mix feeding my first. Couldn't give a flying shit if you FF or BF. Do what's right for you and your baby. I truly believe there is not enough info on BF and the pain that comes with it. I tell all my friends how bloody sore it is too (although I've fed 5 babies so I must be a glutton for punishment).

Hmmm I agree with you tbh OP. Of all the breastfeeding myths the "I had no milk" really is prevelant. Of course some women don't, but it's rare. The reality is a huge number of women don't know how hard and relentless, and constant breastfeeding is in the early days and think they're doing something wrong. And it is important we get out the message somehow, that it's not.

YANBU but it might have been better to give them this information later when friend A was out of earshot.

I'm starting to be scared to open my gob when I read some of these threads.

I disagree that she could have passed info on at some other time to the pg women as that would really seem like gossiping about the other friend behind her back. And who knows what would be passed on to her.

You were certainly smug and rude, by the sound of it.
I couldn't bf, either. (Flat nipples, induced birth, beta blockers for hypertension... no more than a few drops despite weeks of trying. Luckily I'm not precious about it, even more lucky that I had a MW friend who said, keep trying IF YOU WANT TO because every drop is a bonus, but it also won't do him any lasting harm if he's FF.)

YANBU
People getting emotional and pissy over facts is why the UK has such a disturbingly low BF rate.

I'd tell her that while I'm sorry her feelings were hurt you thought it important to ensure the pregnant ladies left with the right information to ensure they had the best start.

I would have done the same. To be quite honest I feel there's more negativity towards bf as to successfully bf it seems you are automatically deemed to think yourself better than those that ff and therefore must not utter a word to support it. It's complete crap of course, I only kept going through an incredibly painful and difficult first 3 months of bf as I had a completely irrational perception of anything 'man made' which was nicely set off by PND. Lots of women just don't want to bf but seem to feel they need to have a 'reason' to not , why anyone should feel they have to justify their choice I don't know but it happens and there's often inaccuracies. Yes you were absolutely right to give some correct information, it may well have come across in the wrong way but why on earth would you sit there and let someone be told something inaccurate that could influence how she feeds in a negative way? It's a shame your friend wasn't clued up but that doesn't mean it's right to pass on the same misinformation.

Also, TBH, formula is not poison. There's really very little longterm difference between FF and BF babies unless you have limited access to clean water.

Sorry, x-post. Sounds like you're on it. :)

I would have said something. 18 hours FFS. That's just misinformation and misconception and should be (kindly) challenged.

Although as a doctor you are probably right, I don't think you can judge how she felt emotionally at the time in order to make the decision to stop trying. So I probably would've held my tongue to be honest, but if you were doing it from a good place- to inform other anxious mums to be, then that's fair enough

She judged herself, btw. You didn't make her feel judged. We really can be our own worst enemies sadly.

On the plus side though, I like the idea of a fleet of mumsnet-based "fucking doctors" as it sounds like a pleasing speciality to be in.

You 100% did the right thing. If she wants to lie to herself that's one thing.

I agree that the idea of giving birth (naturally with no intervention/pain relief) & then a baby that just latches on & bf with no probs is damaging. Although I did have one friend who experienced the above I'd say it's quite rare. I certainly would of given up bf if it wasn't for my mum telling me it was normal to be painful, tiring etc.

I don't see that you did anything wrong. It seems a really common panic for women to think they aren't producing enough milk when in fact that is quite rare. It's good to combat misinformation when it's encountered. However I'd give her a call & say sorry for hurting her feelings.

I think letting your pregnant friends know not to expect their milk to come in straight away was definitely a good idea. Perhaps save them some stress when the time comes. I think you picked the wrong time. BF/FF is such an emotive subject, proven by how mum's can feel judged with the most innocuous of comments (for example I feel shit after your comment that 18hrs does not equal a good go at breastfeeding). I think it would've saved a whole lot of upset if you had waited and spoken to your other friends separately.

Ps. Going to start getting emotional and pissy at anyone who tells me it is medically recommend I eat 5 pieces of fruit a day. It's the same thing as people being upset that breast trumps synthetic milk.

You absolutely did the right thing but for the sake of friendship- do apologise to your friend if you came across a bit strong.

I didn't realise there were people (even lots posting on here!) who thought milk came in within hours of birth. I thought it was widely known that it takes days, and for baby drinks your colostrum until then. They don't need milk! Mine came in on day 4 and then 5. Completely normal. You don't give them formula because your milk hasn't come
In yet! It'll never come in properly otherwise. All about baby sucking to stimulate your milk and your body producing it. Supply meets the demand

YANBU OP. If people want to formula feed, they should crack on. But there is absolutely no need to make stuff up about how "my milk didn't come in" when they've been trying for less than 48 hours. Bullshit.

Also, TBH, formula is not poison. There's really very little longterm difference between FF and BF babies unless you have limited access to clean water.

Science says otherwise but you know...whatever floats your boat.

Yanbu. Challenging misinformation was the right thing to do. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around formula feeders.

It's a shame your friend didn't know the basics of milk production but that's not your fault