Friend is pissed off with me, WIBU to correct her?

[teenytinypontypine]

It is a breastfeeding one, sorry.

Group of 4 of us female friends out for lunch. I have an almost three y o who I breastfed for 13 months and FWIW it was fucking agony wasn't easy for the first couple of months but I stuck it out and am pleased I did. Other friend "A" has a 5 month old who is FF. I don't care a jot. Feed your baby however you like.

Other two ladies are both currently pregnant, due within a few weeks of each other around Xmas time, and over lunch conversation turns to feeding.

Friend A says she really wanted to bf but couldn't. She said her milk didn't come in because she had an elcs, so baby was starving and unhappy and she had to give up. "How long did you try for?" asks pregnant friend - answer: 18 hours. Cue sympathetic tutting from pregnant friends about how hard that must have been.

So, I sort of couldn't help myself but explain that your milk usually doesn't come in at birth, but more usually a few days later. And that newborn stomachs are v little and hardly take any filling at all. And that newborns physiologically are prepared for mum's milk not coming in for a few days so usually do just fine. Oh and that people having a section usually can bf. And yes, I know there are some circumstances where these things aren't true, but in the main this is what happens.

"A" got visibly riled - reporting that her baby was much happier as soon as she got a bottle. I gave her a big grin and said that's fine and clearly she is a happy, growing little girl and doing perfectly well on formula. But I told her I thought it was only fair to point out to pregnant friends some basic facts about bf. Especially as I am a fucking doctor.

Basically, she feels that by correcting or questioning her version of events I am judging her for not trying for longer. On the contrary, I couldn't give a flying fuck what she does wrt feeding, but I do care that she is spreading misinformation to pregnant friends. I have a duty as a bloody doctor to not just sit by and let someone's opinion stand as fact when I know evidence to the contrary.

So WIBU to correct her like that? Should I have just nodded and smiled and caught my two pregnant friends later to give them a more balanced view?

Personally I think facts are better than misinformation, do as long as you did it in a nice way, I think its ok. I would probably have kept my mouth shut but only because I prefer an easy life.

you are just being honest! don't see what the big deal is personally.

You should have nodded and smiled. I gave up breastfeeding my second as I couldn't cope with my toddler and the cluster feeding. I had lots of 'it will settle down' comments. I felt judged. Here I am 12 years later and noone gives a shit or even asks about feeding methods.

Let and let live you sound like a pain in the arse. I'm not bfing and won't be discussing it or made to feel guilty

I know you're a doctor but I'm presuming you physically weren't there when she gave birth. My baby struggled to latch to begin with and when she was about an hour old a midwife appeared with a bottle of formula and said we'd try for another 10 minutes and then she'd have to have the formula. I was fortunate that she did feed from me but if she hadn't there's no way the staff at the hospital would have let my baby go 18 hours without feeding.

Yanbu I see nothing wrong with what you said, the fact that she's hypersensitive about it implies, to me, that she knows she could have tried for longer.

There is plenty of advice about bf out there and unless your friend can't read, you do not need to educate them further. It is their conscious decision for whatever reason and it is really none of your business. You may be correct in your assertions but do you really need to humiliate anyone?

I think you were right to have made sure your pregnant friends understood - there are so many opinons and stories about BF that it can be hard to work out what it true and what isn't.

If your friend got upset, then that is of course a shame and by all means apologize and explain to her that you weren't criticizing her actions, just that you wanted to make sure they knew the facts, so that they knew what to expect.

All those saying that the OP is a doctor so must know - I'm not convinced that the doctors had a flying clue about the details about BF, judging from the issues I had

So unless the OP was a lactation consultant I'd be especially as yes the milk doesn't come in at first but actually it's colostrum that comes first. And milk can take longer with an ELCS. A baby would need something in the first few days

I think you were really insensitive.

YABU. She wasn't spreading misinformation, she was talking about her personal experience. Your response was insensitive and condescending, I'd like to think friends of mine would have more tact.

I usually grit my teeth and sit on my hands on breastfeeding friends bit seriously, she gave the impression that 18 hours was enough time to judge whether or not to bf. Your pregnant friends could have been influenced by that, you explained some FACTS. You did the right thing. Why do we have to pussy foot around not offending people who CHOOSE to give their baby formula milk which is essentially what your friend did. Had she seriously wanted to bf she would have found out a bit more about it.

The fact that you're a doctor makes it worse for me. It's like waving a "jinx and no returns" card at her.

You come across rather smug especially when you say your a doctor so what! She shared an experience and that she struggled. I had three dc my first child really struggled to latch and without the support I didn't continue. I went on to have a further two dc who breast fed with zero problems. Each baby is completely different.

I think you were perfectly reasonable to point out the facts. I know it is a very sensitive topic, but why allow your friends to be misinformed and sit there as a trusted doctor nodding and agreeing? You could have taken them aside afterwards and explained, but then would that not have been a bit backhanded and sneaky to your FF friend?
It sounds like your friend didn't BF because she decided that FF suited her and her baby well so she continued with it. It wasn't that she "couldn't", more that she decided not to...

It doesn't sound like you were particularly tactful or pleasant in your approach. You gave her a big grin when she was 'visibly riled' and you wonder why she's upset with you?

It's a hugely sensitive subject for many women and you could have approached it without listing the reasons she was wrong and grinning at her when it was clear she wasn't happy with the conversation.

"Especially as I am a fucking doctor."

One would hope your people skills are better when you're working. Are you just recently qualified? New to the job?

Although I've no doubt you upset your friend, I think you did the right thing. There is so much misinformation spread about breastfeeding and people are afraid to challenge it precisely because doing so might offend non-breastfeeding mothers. At least she might think twice about repeating those details to other pregnant women, and the ones who were there with you will have the facts rather than a repetition of unhelpful myths.

Seems reasonable to me.

Comments like that are the reason I had shocking PND. As a doctor, you should know better. As a human being too.

I actually think correcting her was fine. One of my close friends never attempted bf because she didn't want too. It was the right thing for her, and she has no probs saying that.

Thanks for all responses - I will point out that the way I phrased my explanation over lunch isn't really reflected in my OP and I genuinely do have some tact and bedside manner and wasn't a complete twonk lecturing my poor friend. I promise it was more gentle than that and my facts were more woven into conversation than delivered as a lecture.

Yes, as PPs have said I wasn't there as a doctor, but everyone knows I am a doctor and would take my 'not saying something' as tacit agreement that whatever was being said was true. So I felt I couldn't let pregnant friends think that 18 hours = bloody good try at bf.

I take on board that I have upset my friend. She has always seemed fine regarding motherhood and her decision re feeding. Perhaps she is putting on a bit of a front. I will give her a call in the morning and tell her I was out of line to make her feel judged like that, it wasn't my intention.

Are you sure you are right though? My milk didn't come in and I was relaxed about it - dd slept 12 hours I thought all was fine then the night paediatrician freaked said dd was dehydrated and I had to formula feed her every 3 hours. I did and she sort of came back to life . Then milk came in and I reverted to breastfeeding but total opposite of what you said.