Friend is pissed off with me, WIBU to correct her?

[teenytinypontypine]

It is a breastfeeding one, sorry.

Group of 4 of us female friends out for lunch. I have an almost three y o who I breastfed for 13 months and FWIW it was fucking agony wasn't easy for the first couple of months but I stuck it out and am pleased I did. Other friend "A" has a 5 month old who is FF. I don't care a jot. Feed your baby however you like.

Other two ladies are both currently pregnant, due within a few weeks of each other around Xmas time, and over lunch conversation turns to feeding.

Friend A says she really wanted to bf but couldn't. She said her milk didn't come in because she had an elcs, so baby was starving and unhappy and she had to give up. "How long did you try for?" asks pregnant friend - answer: 18 hours. Cue sympathetic tutting from pregnant friends about how hard that must have been.

So, I sort of couldn't help myself but explain that your milk usually doesn't come in at birth, but more usually a few days later. And that newborn stomachs are v little and hardly take any filling at all. And that newborns physiologically are prepared for mum's milk not coming in for a few days so usually do just fine. Oh and that people having a section usually can bf. And yes, I know there are some circumstances where these things aren't true, but in the main this is what happens.

"A" got visibly riled - reporting that her baby was much happier as soon as she got a bottle. I gave her a big grin and said that's fine and clearly she is a happy, growing little girl and doing perfectly well on formula. But I told her I thought it was only fair to point out to pregnant friends some basic facts about bf. Especially as I am a fucking doctor.

Basically, she feels that by correcting or questioning her version of events I am judging her for not trying for longer. On the contrary, I couldn't give a flying fuck what she does wrt feeding, but I do care that she is spreading misinformation to pregnant friends. I have a duty as a bloody doctor to not just sit by and let someone's opinion stand as fact when I know evidence to the contrary.

So WIBU to correct her like that? Should I have just nodded and smiled and caught my two pregnant friends later to give them a more balanced view?

[Learntoflyagain]

"Most women don't have those complications though"

You'd be surprised.

[QueenUnicorn]

I'm glad you did. I went through a lot to BF, I managed 8 months with a tongue tied, reflux baby who fed every hour.
I had so many unsupportive comments and people who barely knew me kept telling me that she 'needed' formula.
My second baby (also BF) was the complete opposite and could go 10 hours between feeds.

I knew at the time that all the comments were untrue but people are so quick to be offended at the truth that I felt like I couldn't state the facts about BF without it being seen as an 'insult' to someone.

[Getout21]

My point was learn that if a friend said personal reasons to me I wouldn't pry. If you said my milk hadn't come in wouldn't that risk opening up more questions like in the OPs post?

Not trying to attack you & im very sorry you have experienced that.

[Learntoflyagain]

I breastfed my first for 6 months, btw, and hated every single moment of it.

But, you know, breast is best, so they say.

[ListeningSkillz]

For those yapping on about misinformation etc being the reasons for poor BFing rates...

Sometimes even the most informed people can fail at BFing. Take me for example. I am a 'Fucking Doctor' so like the OP I should have been able to breastfeed no problem with a big smug grin on my face right? Nope.

I didn't 'choose' not to BF. I - for reasons 6 years later still can't completely understand why - couldn't. My EMCS did delay my milk. We were admitted with severe jaundice and weight loss less than 24 hours after being discharged. I was pumped and hand expressing like a maniac for weeks to produce dribbles of milk. I kept trying to get her to latch but my daughter just wouldn't.fucking.latch.on.me. She would scream as soon as she was brought near my nipples. Even the breastfeeding 'support' (pah!) lady couldn't explain why. In the end DD refused the dribbles of EBM, settled on formula whilst I gave up trying to relactate after 18 (yes EIGHTEEN so don't tell me I didn't fucking try) weeks and proceeded to beat myself into a PND frenzy because I wasn't in the 'Exclusively BFing Mamas' group and was failing my child.

I've never known such vitriol from other mothers. I was snubbed at baby groups for not breastfeeding. My online baby group mummies slated me and other FF mums for not loving our children enough.

The worst vitriol I received? From other 'fucking Doctors'.

Shit like this makes me so angry. Well over 6 years later.

When will people stop and realise the shit lack of breastfeeding support postnatally is what contributes to poor BF rates, not people like me who get 'emotional and pissy' over 'failing' to do something they so desperately wanted to do?

[Tessliketrees]

especially as I am a fucking doctor

I don't get the relevance of this "a fucking doctor" is rather broad and that information is widely known. It's not exactly cutting edge medical research.

[Learntoflyagain]

Getout, I'm sorry, but you have NO CLUE.

Do you think I sat there, in the maelstrom of attempting to feed my child and thought logically - "oh, this is hard for me because it's reminding me of being pawed by a family member as a child"

Or do you think I sat there in a post-natal fug, sure that my past was behind me and wondering why I was cringeing every time I suddenly got grabbed by the bare nipple?

You have NO idea.

NONE.

[Dumdedumdum]

I bf after two elective sections. During the pre-milk-coming-in days my babies were both noticeably harder to settle than those around me. Colostrum was certainly not "enough to satisfy them". I asked a midwife in tears why other babies were sleeping and mine was crying so much - every other baby around me was being formula or mixed fed. In my very limited experience (of two) the early days were very hard indeed.

[WashingMatilda]

Why do we have to pussy foot around not offending people who CHOOSE to give their baby formula milk which is essentially what your friend did. Had she seriously wanted to bf she would have found out a bit more about it

This.

You did the right and brave thing OP. People who haven't even tried like your friend just don't like hearing it.

[ringle]

ListeningSkillz

[ivykaty44]

Your friend was wrong to spread misinformation she was silly to do this in front of you as a doctor - but who knows if someone could have been more diplomatic in telling her she had a her facts wrong. It's not easy to tell someone is wrong.

[AntiHop]

Yanbu for challenging misinformation around breast feeding.

[Bubblebubblepop]

Learningtofly I don't think people are referring to you. You've explained your circumstances and you seem very upset (understandably) but people here aren't talking about specific situations like yours

[Sayyouwill]

Natural birth here, however I went into spontaneous labour at 34 weeks.
My milk came in a couple days later. He was in SCBU, I was in and out of consciousness for a couple days. He was ff (without me knowing) for days.
I wish I had of know that my milk would have taken a few days to come in!
I think you did the right them. Good plan though by apologising! At least you're covering you're back but at least your friends know the truth

[Piratesandpants]

Why do we have to pussy foot around not offending people who CHOOSE to give their baby formula milk which is essentially what your friend did. Had she seriously wanted to bf she would have found out a bit more about it
Oh god yes, this.

[ringle]

This:
"especially as I am a fucking doctor

I don't get the relevance of this "a fucking doctor" is rather broad and that information is widely known. It's not exactly cutting edge medical research."

Does anyone go to a doctor for breastfeeding advice?

[Goldmandra]

If she was leaking through her pads, she feels judged because she didn't breastfeed for another reason.

It's a shame she felt she had to lie. If she didn't want to BF, she should feel able to just say that. As a society, we seem to have got it very wrong at the moment. Some women who want to BF feel under pressure not to, some who don't feel under pressure to do it, those who are BFing are made to feel uncomfortable if other people can see them. It's a mess.

YWNBU to make sure your other friends weren't influenced by her story.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I think a correction was needed and doing it there and then had some advantages over doing it behind her back. I would apologise for upsetting her.

[originalusernamefail]

OP it doesn't particularly matter what you said. What your friend heard was "pfffft, you didn't even try, gave up at the first hurdle - bad mother". I had gallons of milk but neither of my boys would latch, I remember 12 weeks into a 24/7 2 hourly regime of attempt to latch/ fail/ feed pumped milk/ pump again/ sterilise equipment /repeat. I spoke to my friend about moving to formula. Her reply? Well breastfeeding is just really important to me so I preservered . I felt like shit on her shoe. You are not your friends doctor, do you go around slapping cigarettes out of people's hands or keeping a tally of alcoholic drinks. Calculating your mates BMIs? Surely your silence if "tacit agreement" in all these cases? I think you feel your friend didn't try hard enough in your eyes and when you saw the chance to put the boot in you did - with a big grin on your face.

[Babymamaroon]

Fuck me. Show me an adult and tell me how they were fed as an infant.

Most BF babies I know, including my own have got allergies, bad skin you name it.

Fed is best and BF is not the holy grail. The pressure we put on women to feed is insane and the ‘failure to bfeed’ is a massive contributor to PND.

I know one person in particular who is in your face about b feeding. Thing is, the poor woman can barely spell or use correct grammar. Yet there she is judging away at others... I want to tell her that sadly it won’t help her offspring who will inherit her brains! But I don’t as that would be both rude and judgemental.

[SkintAsASkintThing]

Bollocks, it took nearly a week for my milk to come in with dd, at which point she was happily taking the bottle.

With ds it was there immediately, he went straight on to the breast at birth and fed and I carried on until he was almost 2.......by your reckoning dd would have been dead if she hadnt been supplemented.......my tits were dry as a bone, no idea why and other than pump, massage and skin to skin all of which I did there was sod all I could do about it either.

[NotTheDuchessOfCambridge]

You are a fucking doctor? Wow. Not sure what that has to do with anything. You know no more about bf than is available on google!
You made your friend feel shit because you couldn't control your judgyness.

[LouHotel]

Yanbu in correcting misinformation but i imagine your a quite straight talking type of person (as i am) and sometimes you have to be careful of your audience.

I breastfeed my toddler and share an office with 5 women who FF - when breastfeeding comes up im not prepared to take their shit when it comes to their opinions on extended breastfeeding but im careful on how i approach the conversation.

[MarthaArthur]

People are weird. You didnt say anything wrong. Are we supposed to blindly agree with everything our friends say now? Even if its bullshit? And everyone saying you should have told them later, when and how would that work? " Oh btw Jane was talking shit earlier ignore her"?