Friend is pissed off with me, WIBU to correct her?

[teenytinypontypine]

It is a breastfeeding one, sorry.

Group of 4 of us female friends out for lunch. I have an almost three y o who I breastfed for 13 months and FWIW it was fucking agony wasn't easy for the first couple of months but I stuck it out and am pleased I did. Other friend "A" has a 5 month old who is FF. I don't care a jot. Feed your baby however you like.

Other two ladies are both currently pregnant, due within a few weeks of each other around Xmas time, and over lunch conversation turns to feeding.

Friend A says she really wanted to bf but couldn't. She said her milk didn't come in because she had an elcs, so baby was starving and unhappy and she had to give up. "How long did you try for?" asks pregnant friend - answer: 18 hours. Cue sympathetic tutting from pregnant friends about how hard that must have been.

So, I sort of couldn't help myself but explain that your milk usually doesn't come in at birth, but more usually a few days later. And that newborn stomachs are v little and hardly take any filling at all. And that newborns physiologically are prepared for mum's milk not coming in for a few days so usually do just fine. Oh and that people having a section usually can bf. And yes, I know there are some circumstances where these things aren't true, but in the main this is what happens.

"A" got visibly riled - reporting that her baby was much happier as soon as she got a bottle. I gave her a big grin and said that's fine and clearly she is a happy, growing little girl and doing perfectly well on formula. But I told her I thought it was only fair to point out to pregnant friends some basic facts about bf. Especially as I am a fucking doctor.

Basically, she feels that by correcting or questioning her version of events I am judging her for not trying for longer. On the contrary, I couldn't give a flying fuck what she does wrt feeding, but I do care that she is spreading misinformation to pregnant friends. I have a duty as a bloody doctor to not just sit by and let someone's opinion stand as fact when I know evidence to the contrary.

So WIBU to correct her like that? Should I have just nodded and smiled and caught my two pregnant friends later to give them a more balanced view?

[Learntoflyagain]

Well. That sounds like the kind of thing I might have said if I was there with an audience of mothers wanting to know why I couldn't hack breastfeeding.

Because "I was sexually abused as a child and my horribly traumatic labour brought it all back and after 18 hours of having someone paw all over my breasts I thought I was in danger of killing myself" wouldn't have been the socially acceptable thing to say.

Still, you've proved you're the better parent with your big smile and Dr credentials and that's the main thing.

[ringle]

"Cue sympathetic tutting from pregnant friends about how hard that must have been. "

Honestly if they are pregnant I very much doubt they took the ff lady's comments at face value......other sources of information are out there....

[Ifonlylifewasimple]

Yes YWBU

Of course your friend felt you were judging her, of course she felt you were criticising her choice to FF her baby.

BF obviously wasn't for your friend, whether that was due to supply issues, baby discontentment or 'she' struggled with it, she chose to FF her baby for her reasons and by the sound of it felt the need to justify her decision.

You should have spoken to your friends when this friend popped to the loo or even text them afterwards but you shouldn't have 'corrected' her.

[Oraiste]

I think you commented with the best if intentions but it is a hugely emotive issue. I really wanted to breast feed but I lost a lot of blood which affected milk production and baby didn't latch. I expressed what I could for a month but with 100mls on a good day I had to top up with formula. I genuinely felt I was poisoning my baby. I did get over that but did feel and still do that I failed.

I did EVERYTHING to encourage milk production and sought help but it just didn't happen. I was so relieved at the end of the month to stop expressing as I was doing it first 30mls a day at that point.

It pisses me off when people refuse to accept that sometimes it just doesn't work and that all you need to do is to want to do it or try hard.

[Believeitornot]

And her milk did come in, I saw her on day 3 when she was leaking through her breast pads

Then maybe she had other reasons for giving up. Maybe her baby had tongue tie and just couldn't feed properly --an issue which many doctors fail to pick up on despite it staring them in the face*

[RB68]

I think its about being clear that everyones experience is different. She clearly feels some guilt about it but doesn't need to its just the way things went for her but I agree lots of misinformation etc by medical and non medical peeps if I am honest

[Danceswithwarthogs]

This is the kind of thing I've done before...
Trying to be helpful and, like you, not happy to let something go which is actually inaccurate and unhelpful to someone else (then spent a week worrying that I've caused offence) my dh calls it inappropriate honesty. My only advice would be to admit this and appologise sincerely to your friend.

[Getout21]

But learn why wouldn't you just say it wasn't right for you due to personal reasons?

[Bubblebubblepop]

That's awful learntoflyagain

Most women don't have those complications though, and still most women don't breastfeed.

[BertrandRussell]

One of the absolute rules of Mumsnet is that you must never, ever, ever question what people who use formula say. Even if they say things which are factually incorrect. Even if they are saying it in front of other people who might be misled. Or you are being condescending, patronizing and insensitive.

Oh, and you must never suggest that breastfeeding can ever be anything but agonizingly painful, disruptive and hideously hard work. Or you are being insensitive and smug.

[shouldaknownbetter]

Well my baby needed to be fed straight away after my c section due to my diabetes. And my milk didn't come through even days later, despite me trying to pump. So I'm with your friend I'm afraid. I think you should have kept quiet!

[Taylor22]

You forgot the rule that says all BF mothers believe they're perfect and think that SS should all take away the poor innocent Bavaria from those useless mothers who decide to FF

[Learntoflyagain]

Getout21 Mon 25-Sep-17 21:17:53
But learn why wouldn't you just say it wasn't right for you due to personal reasons?


Because of nosey feckers who insist that they can fix it for you if you just show them your bare breast so they can comment on your latch etc etc.

I don't know if you know this, but sexual abuse REALLY fucks you up and it's not common to want to even hint at it.

[ringle]

Bertrand.

No it isn't.

[Branleuse]

I think what you said was absolutely fine

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

It's true though ! Took 4 bloody days with DS2

People need to know

It's a shame Noone told your friend though

[YellowFlower201]

Why do people assume that they have to educate their mates about parenting and feeding? I have a friend like you. Drives me bonkers!!! Half of what she says is rubbish, but even if she were wisdom personified I don't get why she thinks I'm suddenly unable to gather simple information and weigh it up. I've managed perfectly well making decisions without her input so far.

Your friends must know a fair few women who had elective sections and bf. They are pregnant not stupid so they'll know she may not be quite the best authority on this.

Apologise to your friend for being insensitive

[TheCraicDealer]

Sounds like the “my milk didn’t come in” was the line she’s told herself and others which has made her feel ok with going with FF. By you going, “Er, well actually...” she’s having to confront the fact that with more perseverance/patience/knowledge she could’ve given it a better shot- and not only that, but there was an audience. No wonder she’s hurt.

If there wasn’t such judgement over FF/BF (on both sides!) then women wouldn’t need to justify their choices like that, which is really shitty. However I can 100% get why you couldn’t sit and listen to incorrect info knowing that the other two might be in a similar position soon, maybe having really wanted to BF and then giving up thinking that they genuinely had a supply issue or whatever like their friend. That’s a tough guy situation.

[Learntoflyagain]

Then they'd probably start a thread on MN...like the one earlier today about "why was my GP appt cancelled because my GP can't treat pregnant women?"

Becuase do you really REALLY think it's that simple just to say 'personal reasons'.

Shit man. You know nothing.

[Getout21]

So true Bert 😂

[Ttbb]

But you weren't actually correct. Blood loss during birth (as in the case of a c-section) often leads to extreme difficulty in producing milk in sufficient quantities of even at all. In the event of an elective c section it's quite likely that hormonal processes that occur during a vagibal labour and lead to milk production or rather colostrum have not been triggered hence no lactatiob. If she had been producing enough colostrum the baby would have been satisfied and A would not have had any reason to switch to formula instead. You essentially just made yourself look like a self satisfied idiot. You should probably apologise properly.

[OrangeJulius]

YANBU because your friend was making misleading statements, and as you say, your silence implies agreement with said statements. As your friends are both pregnant I think it is important to clear things up.

[Bubblebubblepop]

Pumping is near impossible if you haven't established breast feeding.
That's another thing that's not spoken about enough- women look at how much they've expressed and assume that's all they have for their baby. You don't get anywhere near as much expressing as a baby can take.

I BF for 9 months then 10 months and could never express a drop. I just didn't make any extra, and that's basically what expressed milk is. Additional supply. Woman who can get any without feeding directly are fairly amazing and probably would've found they had loads if they could get a latch

[BoffinMum]

YANBU
The other person was talking bollocks and you are clearly an expert.