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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend is pissed off with me, WIBU to correct her?

410 replies

teenytinypontypine · 25/09/2017 20:30

It is a breastfeeding one, sorry.

Group of 4 of us female friends out for lunch. I have an almost three y o who I breastfed for 13 months and FWIW it was fucking agony wasn't easy for the first couple of months but I stuck it out and am pleased I did. Other friend "A" has a 5 month old who is FF. I don't care a jot. Feed your baby however you like.

Other two ladies are both currently pregnant, due within a few weeks of each other around Xmas time, and over lunch conversation turns to feeding.

Friend A says she really wanted to bf but couldn't. She said her milk didn't come in because she had an elcs, so baby was starving and unhappy and she had to give up. "How long did you try for?" asks pregnant friend - answer: 18 hours. Cue sympathetic tutting from pregnant friends about how hard that must have been.

So, I sort of couldn't help myself but explain that your milk usually doesn't come in at birth, but more usually a few days later. And that newborn stomachs are v little and hardly take any filling at all. And that newborns physiologically are prepared for mum's milk not coming in for a few days so usually do just fine. Oh and that people having a section usually can bf. And yes, I know there are some circumstances where these things aren't true, but in the main this is what happens.

"A" got visibly riled - reporting that her baby was much happier as soon as she got a bottle. I gave her a big grin and said that's fine and clearly she is a happy, growing little girl and doing perfectly well on formula. But I told her I thought it was only fair to point out to pregnant friends some basic facts about bf. Especially as I am a fucking doctor.

Basically, she feels that by correcting or questioning her version of events I am judging her for not trying for longer. On the contrary, I couldn't give a flying fuck what she does wrt feeding, but I do care that she is spreading misinformation to pregnant friends. I have a duty as a bloody doctor to not just sit by and let someone's opinion stand as fact when I know evidence to the contrary.

So WIBU to correct her like that? Should I have just nodded and smiled and caught my two pregnant friends later to give them a more balanced view?

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 26/09/2017 08:27

You will probably get roasted as most people here may have FF. I think you were absolutely right to correct this misinformation

Hardly. A lot of mums who've "successfully" BF have commented that the OP was YABU.

This isn't about FF v BF. This is about a) the OP claiming that as a doctor she knows (which is questionable as I don't think doctors do know a huge amount otherwise we'd have better BF support) and b) the OP not appreciating just emotive it is when a mother has feeding issues.

There is a time and a place for "correcting". The OP could have said something more sensitive but choose not to because she's a doctor and that makes her the BF Oracle Hmm

lynmilne65 · 26/09/2017 08:31

Aa

Cosmic123 · 26/09/2017 08:34

You don't sound like a very tactful or sensitive person to be honest.

I had a horrible 48 hours where I couldn't breast feed my daughter. The health visitor was vile and not in the least helpful. I only persevered because my mum helped me a lot but the pressure I felt was immense. I hated breast feeding but did it for a year. Even though that was my story I would NEVER feel entitled to speak to another woman the way you spoke to your "friend". I'm not at all surprised she was upset.

I think you perhaps need to think about getting out of doctor mode when you're not working if you want any friends left.

Pengggwn · 26/09/2017 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hollyhop17 · 26/09/2017 08:40

You were awful. Keep your opinions on feeding to yourself unless asked. It is hard when you have to stop before you wsnt to and I'm sure A went home upset, just like I did in similar circumstances.

Picklesandpies · 26/09/2017 08:40

Sounds fine to me! I can't bear it when people are clearly misinformed and start talking about whatever it is with absolute authority. Bit embarrassing for your friend, yes, but I'd have wanted to set out the saves too in your position.

Picklesandpies · 26/09/2017 08:41

Saves? Facts! Grin

KERALA1 · 26/09/2017 08:43

It is hard when you know something professionally to correct someone without sounding like a knob.

I had it when playgroup mums years ago blethered on about "common law wives" (nonsense btw and am a solicitor). Awkward.

lynmilne65 · 26/09/2017 08:44

Ooooh never met a 'fucking doctor'
I could do with one Wink

WhooooAmI24601 · 26/09/2017 08:45

The whole "I'm a fucking Doctor" thing is where you're BU. You're a Doctor. Not a breastfeeding expert. Your own ability to successfully breastfeed doesn't give you any sort of right to challenge another woman over her thoughts and feelings.

I breastfed both. If friends ask for support, advice or help, I give it happily. If they ask me to hold their baby and bottle-feed them while they have an hour off, I do that, too, because it's none of my damn business so long as the babies are loved, nurtured and fed.

BertrandRussell · 26/09/2017 08:46

So. Similar scenario. Except that the friend says "I struggled with breastfeeding, but I persevered because formula fed babies don't bond with their mothers properly. Everyone can do it if they try"

Should the OP still have kept her opinions to herself?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/09/2017 08:50

As a doctor you will be communicating with a lot of people, and you might want to work on how you do that. Big fake smiles and "but I'm sure your way is fine..." will not make good friends or happy patients.

Also as a doctor you might more usefully use your position to campaign for adequate (or indeed any) postnatal support for women who are not feeding successfully.

Dulra · 26/09/2017 08:57

I don't think YABU. I do think it was probably hard for your friend to hear but she is talking about her personal experience and making it sound like fact so it does need to be corrected and I am sure you did it in a tactful way like you said. Like others have said maybe contacting the pregnant friends about it at another time may have been more tactful

Mammylamb · 26/09/2017 09:03

Hi Bertrand. I don't think that anyone is silencing breastfeeding women. Plenty of my friends breastfed (in fact, I'm a breastfed baby myself).

My baby was not 6 hours old; he was 30 hours old, but he had been on my breast for 6 hours continuously.

In hindsight, perhaps they shouldn't have advised to take a bottle. And that is indicative of the lack of support to establish breastfeeding. I asked the assistant what training they got around breastfeeding; she told me "none". Basically they just grabbed your boob and put it in baby's mouth.

I still don't believe that formula feeding mothers should be made to feel guilty. The pressure really can contribute to pnd

lynmilne65 · 26/09/2017 09:05

Why do u care not your business?!
i

dyathinkso · 26/09/2017 09:10

You sound like a bit of a dick to be honest

Subtlecheese · 26/09/2017 09:10

I find that attitude irritating. When faced with bare facts that don't "for their experience So many people decide to get all huffy and offended.
Of course you were right to stick the facts in there. So many women assume bf is a get it or you don't black and white situation. It's definitely a skill that you work at.

Pengggwn · 26/09/2017 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mogonfoxnight · 26/09/2017 09:19

i think what you said there initially which got her riled was perfect (ie what you said first, not the bits you added after she got riled to justify it) because it is what people need to know, and it is exactly what happened to me first time round and i am very pleased i had some trusty straight talking types around me to explain the basics. i had a cs and it took days to sort out the breastfeeding and i had to use an electric pump at first to get it going and feed that with bottles. in fact, i had pressure from nurses to ff in the early days and it was only because i had advice from some straight talking friends and family who had had babies recently that i persevered. So the info you gave initially was spot on imo.

The bit about pointing out that you were just pointing out basic facts (after she got riled, to justify it) wasn't really necessary. It wouldn't bother me, either, but i think that this is more to do with whether you are a straight talking type or not, sounds like she isn't!

MollyWantsACracker · 26/09/2017 09:23

I think you YWNBU.

MollyWantsACracker · 26/09/2017 09:24

Also had a CS and it was v hard at first btw

CakesRUs · 26/09/2017 09:27

Duty as a doctor. Pffft. Breast feeding being used to knock a mate isn't on.

Bluerose27 · 26/09/2017 09:27

It's tricky. Your friend feels bad because she didn't bf her baby.
But she was misinformed and misinforming two more potential bfing mothers.
There's a huge amount of wrong information out there which is why, along with lack of support, bf rates are so low.

People get annoyed when their decisions are questioned, even when their decisions are the wrong ones. And I mean factually wrong based on medical research, not just wrong according to me.

I think you did the right thing by telling the truth. Yes your friend is upset but if you had told her back after the 18 hours that milk takes longer to come in she might have persevered and bf her child.
And for all the "FF is perfectly fine" talk - it's a poor 4th according to the WHO - mother's milk from the breast is best, followed by mother's milk expressed, followed by human milk. Then Formula if all other options have been exhausted.

So you've upset your friend but have potentially helped your other friends.

diddl · 26/09/2017 09:32

It does sound as if she was just relating her own experience.

So, if you want to bfeed but your milk hasn't come in & your baby needs feeding-what should be done?

mogonfoxnight · 26/09/2017 09:37

oops i committed the crime of posting without reading updates, and i now see all sides have apologised and peace reigns between OP and friend!