Friend is pissed off with me, WIBU to correct her?

[teenytinypontypine]

It is a breastfeeding one, sorry.

Group of 4 of us female friends out for lunch. I have an almost three y o who I breastfed for 13 months and FWIW it was fucking agony wasn't easy for the first couple of months but I stuck it out and am pleased I did. Other friend "A" has a 5 month old who is FF. I don't care a jot. Feed your baby however you like.

Other two ladies are both currently pregnant, due within a few weeks of each other around Xmas time, and over lunch conversation turns to feeding.

Friend A says she really wanted to bf but couldn't. She said her milk didn't come in because she had an elcs, so baby was starving and unhappy and she had to give up. "How long did you try for?" asks pregnant friend - answer: 18 hours. Cue sympathetic tutting from pregnant friends about how hard that must have been.

So, I sort of couldn't help myself but explain that your milk usually doesn't come in at birth, but more usually a few days later. And that newborn stomachs are v little and hardly take any filling at all. And that newborns physiologically are prepared for mum's milk not coming in for a few days so usually do just fine. Oh and that people having a section usually can bf. And yes, I know there are some circumstances where these things aren't true, but in the main this is what happens.

"A" got visibly riled - reporting that her baby was much happier as soon as she got a bottle. I gave her a big grin and said that's fine and clearly she is a happy, growing little girl and doing perfectly well on formula. But I told her I thought it was only fair to point out to pregnant friends some basic facts about bf. Especially as I am a fucking doctor.

Basically, she feels that by correcting or questioning her version of events I am judging her for not trying for longer. On the contrary, I couldn't give a flying fuck what she does wrt feeding, but I do care that she is spreading misinformation to pregnant friends. I have a duty as a bloody doctor to not just sit by and let someone's opinion stand as fact when I know evidence to the contrary.

So WIBU to correct her like that? Should I have just nodded and smiled and caught my two pregnant friends later to give them a more balanced view?

There are some awful judgey posts on here, for example:

Why do we have to pussy foot around not offending people who CHOOSE to give their baby formula milk which is essentially what your friend did. Had she seriously wanted to bf she would have found out a bit more about it

You did the right and brave thing OP. People who haven't even tried like your friend just don't like hearing it.

So what if she CHOSE to FF? So what. She had difficulties and made a perfectly valid choice.

The friend was recounting her own experience, not giving advice to her friends. She did not need to be 'corrected' . You were smug & condescending OP, but good that you will apologise to your friend.

I wish women felt less driven to tears by bf or how they give birth or whether they put their kids in nurseries etc. I have stayed away from commenting on some of the really atrocious threads over the past few days since I'm feeling super emotional - but some have truly made me weep.

Cross posted - so you got training? You're lucky! I got sweet FA.

Aria2015

That's an interesting point well made.

I can't make this not sound sarcastic/patronising when I read it back. Just take my word that it isn't!

Who cares if it's a touchy subject.

If I was lunching with friends and told them that they should be careful not to eat green vegetables because doing so makes childbirth more painful or some other such nonsense then any decent human being should tell me I'm wrong regardless of how sensitive I feel about the issue.

Yes it's an emotive subject yes it makes you feel bad to be told you are wrong but one of the reasons women feel so strongly about it is precisely because of this nonsense amd misinformation that gets passed around.

Let women make their own feeding choices free from the type of rubbish advice that sets them up to fail and perpetuates the guilt and feelings of failure.

I wouldn't want friends who were not decent enough to not be yes men

What you said, ie the truth, clearly got in the way of her version of self-justification.
However, no one explained milk coming in to me and I would've appreciated someone explaining this when I was pregnant.

I'm not sure I'd call it lounging all day Getout21 - it all seems like bloody hard work! But yes, having read a book now I have since learned it is possible and plan on giving it a go.

Learn I was in agony for 11 weeks BF as I had thrush in my boobs. Not because I was doing it wrong. I still persevered and got there in the end, and BF for 13 months like OP. OP I would have been judgey towards A if I'd been you, in my head if not what in what I said. 18 hours is pathetic! I think mums owe it to their babies to put in more effort than that. Everyone knows BF is better than FF. I'll probably get flamed for this but frankly I don't care.

Are you a GP OP?

This post has made me so angry. I would have loved to BF. I had 3 CS - never had any milk. Starved my DD for 14 days.
PLEASE stop judging each other. We all make the best decisions we can for ourselves & our DC.
And OP I don't care if you are a fucking bloody doctor. Try being a bit more human.

Thanks aria and shifty and others above
I've just got a text from her. Eeeek.

Your friend's experience sounds very similar to mine. After a emcs it took 5 days for the milk to come. I couldn't bear listening to her cry with hunger so ff. I think you were incredibly rude and condescending to presume you know better than your friend about her own experience.

I think you did the right thing, you're not saying she did anything wrong, and you're not slagging off FF babies, you're stating facts about new born babies and how they feed.
I maybe wouldn't have brought it up in front of her... but I can see the discussion has moved on much since the Op!

I agree with aria and it's the first time that's actually occurred to me actually

I resented FF people (a very long time ago and for a very short period of time I hasten to add) basically because they had it easier than me !

More sleep
More mobility (I didn't like to BF out and about)
Freedom - you can leave the baby

I was jealous of that in my rather PND state

@Neverknowing I see what you mean but that is not my point. The OPs friend did not present anything she said as facts, she recounted her experience as she had it. As the OP has not returned to explain her specialty or experience we have no idea if her facts were indeed borne out by her professional training. As I said I am an experienced HCP I have never been given any formal training on bf or feeding babies in general apart from anatomy and physiology in uni.

To use your example far and away most adults of normal intelligence are aware that a cream cake is more healthy than an apple and also that both have their place in a balanced moderated diet. I'm sure the other friends at the table had read into bf themselves and were not taking for friends words as the true gospel.

As I said in previous posts it's not about the facts as said it's what her friend heard. OP could have been kinder to her friend rather than show her up, maybe commiserated at her lack of support before signposting pg friends to said support. Using diet as an example if it were as simple as 'wanting it enough' everyone would be a size six. People have the will and the information but there is still a 'block' which holds people back. Maybe that should be the point of this thread rather than smugly labelling everyone 'snowflakes' and 'trigger warnings'.

And OP please please be careful about giving your advice out 'as a doctor'. You are a doctor at work and a friend at home. You are on shaky legal ground otherwise.

zaphod well my lounging was pretty much staying in bed & pjs! (the first few days were painful & hard). Just give it a try & see how you go.

c section tip, doc friend told me to drink peppermint water/tea to reduce trapped wind. Seemed to work for me.

YANBU.

I had a similar situation with a friend, we had babies at the same time and she said she wanted to breastfeed, when we visited the new baby she said she had given the baby a bottle as her milk hadn't come through and he was too hungry (1 day old) I tried to politely say that milk normally takes 3-5 days post birth but that babies are designed to take the tiny amounts of colostrum produced, she kind of brushed me off as she obviously wanted to FF (totally fine)..

Babies are now both 1 and my DC is still breastfed which we really struggled with especially initially as she was in SCBU and tube fed so I had to pump for the first 2 weeks then teach her to suckle, even now she tells me how lucky I am that it was 'easy' for me and I have been able to breastfeed.

Good post from aria.

I never breast fed because I didn’t want to. Didn’t even attempt it, have a happy healthy 20 year old now. Loved my freedom and my husband sharing the feeds, no pain for me, no hungry distressed baby, no struggling in my home. Lots of happy feeds from day one.

Don’t get all the angst about going through agony, and look at my achievement stuff, I really don’t remotely get it and see it as akin to boasting you used reusable nappies.

Who gives a shit, as long as your baby is happy, clean, well cared for, all this struggling, arguing, guilt, boasting I simply can’t get my head round. It’s just another stick women use to beat each other with.

@originalusernamefail that's a great response. I agree that we need to be very careful of people's feelings but also find a way to kindly explain facts.
Also thank you for a measured response and not just coming for me 😂

Pumping is near impossible if you haven't established breast feeding
Wrong. I never managed to BF any of my twins, despote help from seceral doulas and maternity nurses for weeks. I managed to express enough milk for rwo babies + freezez some, and this for 3months.
However, 3y later I realize I would have had a better experience by FF them, the expressing + bottle feeding was really taking all my time and energy and I mostly did it because of the social and mefical pressure to give them BM.
So mixed feelings, but still tjink OP was NBU as perseverance can be key.

I've breastfed, in total, for over 3 years. Dc born by routine c section. Both small at birth.

BOTH been given formula as advised by midwives within hours of birth due to issues regulating blood sugars. If I wasn't adamant that I'd give bf a go, I might have given up initially as advised by HCP that baby needed extra. I produced good quantities of colostrum and breast milk when it came in.

You sound awful OP.