Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Friend is pissed off with me, WIBU to correct her?

410 replies

teenytinypontypine · 25/09/2017 20:30

It is a breastfeeding one, sorry.

Group of 4 of us female friends out for lunch. I have an almost three y o who I breastfed for 13 months and FWIW it was fucking agony wasn't easy for the first couple of months but I stuck it out and am pleased I did. Other friend "A" has a 5 month old who is FF. I don't care a jot. Feed your baby however you like.

Other two ladies are both currently pregnant, due within a few weeks of each other around Xmas time, and over lunch conversation turns to feeding.

Friend A says she really wanted to bf but couldn't. She said her milk didn't come in because she had an elcs, so baby was starving and unhappy and she had to give up. "How long did you try for?" asks pregnant friend - answer: 18 hours. Cue sympathetic tutting from pregnant friends about how hard that must have been.

So, I sort of couldn't help myself but explain that your milk usually doesn't come in at birth, but more usually a few days later. And that newborn stomachs are v little and hardly take any filling at all. And that newborns physiologically are prepared for mum's milk not coming in for a few days so usually do just fine. Oh and that people having a section usually can bf. And yes, I know there are some circumstances where these things aren't true, but in the main this is what happens.

"A" got visibly riled - reporting that her baby was much happier as soon as she got a bottle. I gave her a big grin and said that's fine and clearly she is a happy, growing little girl and doing perfectly well on formula. But I told her I thought it was only fair to point out to pregnant friends some basic facts about bf. Especially as I am a fucking doctor.

Basically, she feels that by correcting or questioning her version of events I am judging her for not trying for longer. On the contrary, I couldn't give a flying fuck what she does wrt feeding, but I do care that she is spreading misinformation to pregnant friends. I have a duty as a bloody doctor to not just sit by and let someone's opinion stand as fact when I know evidence to the contrary.

So WIBU to correct her like that? Should I have just nodded and smiled and caught my two pregnant friends later to give them a more balanced view?

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 25/09/2017 21:58

I'm genuinely not bullying. How exactly is that bullying?!

That poster appears to be having a very extreme reaction over a very petty topic. If this is a regular occurrence then professional help could be beneficial.

Jesus Christ. I'm on an American parenting site and advising posters to seek councillors is practically a catch phrase.

ListeningSkillz · 25/09/2017 21:58

Thanks ringle

BertrandRussell I know you're being a snark there but in the bad days that would have been welcome to me. It took me many years until I didn't feel like a shit mum for not BFing. I'm surrounded by BF posters and leaflets etc in work daily and it was hard not to feel like I was being kicked in the gut every time I saw them.

I know to some passionate BFers the feelings of people like me do not register, BUT THEY SHOULD.

I'm aware of the importance of BFing. I support women with the limited 'fucking Doctor' knowledge I have (we get NO training about BFing at all btw so I'm not sure why the OP's 'fucking Doctor' status is relevant). However I still would like people to maybe acknowledge the unpalatable truth that there are women out there who genuinely tried to BF and couldn't. If people read my story a few pages back and feel that I could have tried harder then they are cunts and need to take a hard long look in the smug mummy mirror and remember that one day how your child is fed is a minute problem in the world of childrearing.

ElizabethDarcey · 25/09/2017 21:58

She was absolutely wrong. I think that you probably should have waited and told the other ladies privately though. Your correction must have felt a bit humiliating for her. Maybe she really didn't realise.

PrimalLass · 25/09/2017 22:00

I had a c section and a big baby and was told after 24 hours to give my baby formula as he was very hungry. Told by a doctor. That actually saved my breastfeeding as he calmed down so could latch.

Tessliketrees · 25/09/2017 22:00

Taylor

You also told her she was messing up her kids and followed it up with a smiley face.

Is that just how it is in the US too?

ListeningSkillz · 25/09/2017 22:00

Taylor22 they aren't 'snowflakes' they are people with real feelings.

Some compassion wouldn't go amiss on threads like this.

Taylor22 · 25/09/2017 22:01

No that was in response to being called a cunt.

What is the appropriate response for that? Wink

Original poster
teenytinypontypine · 25/09/2017 22:02

Ooooh learn sorry I've pushed your buttons! I haven't been called a stupid cunt since, oooh last week by a patient. Think I can take it, love.

I never set myself up as an "expert". And you are right that I have no idea whether A would have had latch problems which rendered her unable to feed. I countered her story which was "my milk didn't come in because of my completely fine with less than 500ml blood loss ELCS" with something a little more factual along the lines of: it usually comes in later, mine came in day 3. After a section too, fwiw.

I think it only fair to be realistic with expectant mothers - NCT people told me it shouldn't hurt at all and if it hurt I was doing it wrong. Every "real life" person I asked told me it hurt like hell but would eventually get better. And it did. After weeks of pain, including appointments with a lactation consultant.

And regardless of whether you lot look at your doctor friends as givers of gospel medical advice, my friends kinda do. Or at least give my opinion a lot of weight. Which is why I wasn't prepared to let it slide.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/09/2017 22:02

It's sad that people feel shit for years about this . I wish they didn't

Fuck me it's only 6 months really anyway and then you feed them some solid food anyway

And look around your kids friends - can you tell which ones were FF and EBF ? can you fuck

It's a sad thing to see and read and I wish it wasn't so

Tessliketrees · 25/09/2017 22:03

The appropriate response is apparently to tell somebody they need help because they are triggered or something.

Tessliketrees · 25/09/2017 22:04

And regardless of whether you lot look at your doctor friends as givers of gospel medical advice, my friends kinda do

Perhaps you should try and correct that. Are you a GP?

whyismykid · 25/09/2017 22:04

Yanb

Getout21 · 25/09/2017 22:06

2 of my friends are docs & I'm always asking their opinions. Surely that's better than google.

Taylor22 · 25/09/2017 22:06

I would LOVE a Dr friend. I would have you on speed dial.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 25/09/2017 22:06

People are so misinformed and believe such rubbish though. Remember the thread with the lady asking about MAP 6 days after a section? Half the posters didn't know how to date a pregnancy or how ovulation occurs.

I've only just started reading about it given we are having a medically necessary ELCS but before this I'd have probably believed someone telling me you can't bf after a section. In fact people have said this multiple times!

So while your friend may be upset she needs to own her choices and be a grown up about them. I don't go around telling people my ELCS is exactly like their vaginal birth in a pool. But I also don't tie my self worth up intimately with other people's judgments of how I get a baby out of my uterus iyswim.

user1468353179 · 25/09/2017 22:07

FFS, please stop thinking that everyone has to BF. I fed my son for two weeks and hated every minute, put him on the bottle and he was fine. BF daughter for one day and had chapped nipples, put her on a bottle and she was fine. As long as the baby is fed and you get some rest, why is it such a big deal??

Aria2015 · 25/09/2017 22:07

I think the tough bit here is that most people who breastfed for any length of time will have really struggled initially and felt exhaustion and pain and wanted to give up but for whatever reason they didn’t. So because it wasn’t easy, we (rightly so) feel proud of ourselves and like with any achievement, it’s tempting to want it acknowledged and recognised. When someone says ‘oh I couldn’t’ or ‘it was too painful’ - you want to shout ‘me too! But I kept going!!!’ BUT really, in the scheme of things, it’s just not important enough to piss off good friends. Be proud of yourself, you’ve done amazingly - but try and view your journey in isolation because everyone’s journey is different. Your pregnant friends will make their own decisions regardless of what you or your ff friend say and have their own journey.

Tessliketrees · 25/09/2017 22:07

It's sad that people feel shit for years about this . I wish they didn't

Isn't it just? I notice that most people who speak about it on here have heartbreaking stories about why they couldn't bf. Presumably the ones like me (who stopped, ultimately, because it was one more pain in the fucking arse I could do without) are too ashamed to say so.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/09/2017 22:09

Aria you absaloutly nailed it there ! So true

ringle · 25/09/2017 22:09

"regardless of whether you lot look at your doctor friends as givers of gospel medical advice, my friends kinda do. Or at least give my opinion a lot of weight. "

That's really inappropriate. I think you need to hold yourself back more. When you are with your friends you are not neutral, you have a horse in the race.

Shiftymake · 25/09/2017 22:09

There is no doubt that if the mother can bf then she should for her child's sake. That does not mean that mothers who are unable to feed should be made to feel bad for formula feeding. But I do believe that there is too much misinformation being spread around and far too many using formula for no other reason then their personal convenience as it is a shock how painful breastfeeding can be, took me around 2 months to find myself not being in pain and another month or so where it felt natural. If people want to use formula then that is their choice, but if they are saying things that is misinformation which can lead future mothers to exclude the idea of breastfeeding then I think OP is in the right to correct this information.

Original poster
teenytinypontypine · 25/09/2017 22:09

tess if I don't know much about something I definitely say so, and don't give absolute medical advice as such. But they know I spent a year each in o&g and in paeds, so they would probably think it a bit weird if I had no knowledge on the subject.

And FWIW we did have teaching on bf - we had a training programme that trainees attended in parallel with the midwives on feeding. Admittedly it was 2 hrs a week for 6 weeks. But I did get a certificate Grin

OP posts:
ListeningSkillz · 25/09/2017 22:09

teenytinypontypine then you needn't to correct that. You are their friend not their doctor. Giving medical advice to friends is frowned upon, you know that.

Plus you know as well as I do that we get no training on BFing so our Doctor credit means nothing with this. I will happily admit my BFing knowledge comes from my own failure and my extensive reading about it.

Getout21 · 25/09/2017 22:09

Zap I bf after a c section & actually found it easier as it was almost an excuse to take it easy & lounge all day

MadMags · 25/09/2017 22:09

You're kids may be Bf but even that isn't going to be enough to protect them from being all sorts of messed up from being raised by you

Did you seriously just say that to someone who posted about childhood sexual abuse?

Wow. Just when you think this place has sunk to its lowest.

And there are some names on here being so snarky and sneers, names that I've respected in the past. It's a real eye-opener.

Swipe left for the next trending thread