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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a WWYD really....wedding

192 replies

QueenofallIsee · 25/09/2017 15:03

I found out 2 years ago that my longterm partner had embarked upon an emotional affair, crossing several lines. My BPD was at that point undiagnosed and things were very very hard between us, with counselling we have tried to move forward. Good days and bad days - he did a foolish thing and the sense of betrayal may never go away but I am committed to moving on if we can. We are happy much of the time and I love him still.

The OW was a very close friend of myself, DP and my extended family. Think godparents to each other children, holidays together etc. My sister has stayed friends with her - her statement being that the OW was like her other sister for years (true) and in forgiving my DP for his actions, she forgives her too. I am not willing to do that nor do I think that the OW is especially sorry but (even though it hurt) I never reproached my sister, how could I? My decisions are mine and hers are hers. She felt as betrayed as I did I think

Now for the WWYD - my sister wants me to be her bridesmaid and the OW will be at the wedding. I suspect that I will have to be on the Hen Do with her and I know for a fact that the OWs son will be a page boy. My sisters wedding is not about me nor do I want it to be but to sit in the same room as her and my DP might be too much to bear.

Advice please?

OP posts:

ParanoidBeryl · 27/09/2017 17:07

I think your sister had minimised what happened, and isn’t at all concerned about OW doing the same to her because she victim blames OP for it happening in the first place.

Mix56 · 27/09/2017 17:30

Ops sister is reasoning is that OP has forgiven one party.
The massive difference is they were married with DC, house, (I assume,) had wed & made vows. You are obliged to try & forgive & rebuild.
But the treachery of one of her best friends who she trusted who has changed her whole life for ever is unforgivable. It could have been divorce. She could have been bringing up her DC alone. Her life will never be the same tranquil river it was before.
This woman completely destroyed any friendship & trust.
but Sister has chosen to overlook it.

Hissy · 27/09/2017 18:17

Sister will have this bite her on the arse...

Winosaurus · 27/09/2017 18:19

Imagine the irony when DSis finds texts from OW on her DHs phone

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/09/2017 18:55

I really hope your best friend gets shit faced and has a ruck. Later In the evening when all the oldies and kids have gone home obvs.
Just a vicious spit fest in the ladies toilets bring out her Dr Foster 😂

Saw what you said about christening and stuff so hopefully this is the last time

Fishface77 · 27/09/2017 21:32

Your sister is actually a nasty cow.
And you are being too nice. Tell your sister not to stress. She just needs to uninvite ow and if she refuses there's your answer. And to be fair in that case I would refuse to be any part of the wedding and would tell everyone why. Your letting her get away with really shitty behaviour op and I wonder if she always has. And loving someone doesn't mean being a door mat.
Your "D"p is a wet lettuce. Neither use nor ornament.

autumncoloursareus · 29/09/2017 09:54

Hmm, this might be me projecting, but one thing I noticed when DH had an affair was some people seemed to be happy about it, almost like they were waiting for me to take a fall. My 'D'SIS told me I deserved it, 'because if I wanted a rich person's lifestyle I had to accept a rich person's problems'. For the record when I got married I was the one with more assets, DH had spent what he had on travelling etc. He made money during the marriage.

My 'best friend' was thrilled to bits, running round giving me advice, and simultaneously emailing me details of how a guy at work had fallen for her, and asking me for advice on how to let him down gently. Or how the guys at work had all rated her as 'one they would'. Like she wanted to rub my face in the fact I'd been left and she was oh so desireable.

I think your sister is deriving a bit of pleasure from you having to watch her getting married while enduring the torment of looking at the affair partner who jointly tarnished your marriage.

Don't go. Don't bother to go into why, just say no. She isn't being kind of considerate to you, you owe her nothing.

why are so many sisters utter bitches?

Hissy · 29/09/2017 13:31

autumn that's the vibe I'm getting from this dsis too, and I have not had to endure affairs etc.

I have suffered thinly disguised glee at my downfall and a good deal of being kicked when down, by both sis and ex-dm (Am NC with her now)

serendipia1907 · 29/09/2017 13:33

If I were your sister, I'd even uninvite her, tbh. Obviously your sister is a cow so she won't do it. So: hairdresser, nails, ah-mazing dress and make-up, put on a brave face for that day & be strong.

ParanoidBeryl · 29/09/2017 15:15

Thing is though that the sister has already clearly stated where she stands on the issue - firmly not blaming the OW, so how can she suddenly start uninviting the OW from the wedding?

I think the OP just needs to avoid the hen do (and hopefully everyone else will too). I don’t think the idea of 2 hen dos is a good one.

Go to the wedding, stay out of her way (otherwise you’ll be labelled as the difficult one) and stay dignified.

Butterymuffin · 29/09/2017 15:35

For "highly developed sense of right and wrong" read "is always convinced she's in the right"

I think Hissy's approach is good. Say you understand it's a dilemma for her, so to make it easy you will bow out of it all and she can find another bridesmaid. Totally calmly and with dignity. I don't think she's being a good sister.

Twitchingdog · 29/09/2017 16:10

I think you and your do need to walk away from both his brother and your sister . Neither of who are part of your family. The OW did not have fuck your dp. As she did she pays the price.

Your sister like the OW more than you realises this and walk away .

RedForFilth · 29/09/2017 21:51

I wouldn’t go to the wedding and I would cool my relationship with my sister. I have two sister and neither of them would treat me like this because we love each other. It's like she's intentionally hurting you. I'd also tell people why you weren't attending if they asked.

I bet she will want your support when she finds her new husband shagging ow though!

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/09/2017 19:30

There's something almost masochistic in this situation. As if you are getting something from agreeing to all this, something unhealthy and compulsive.

Original poster

QueenofallIsee · 01/10/2017 15:31

Nothing compulsive or enjoyable about this for me I assure you - I started the thread to help sort out my thoughts and feelings before I made any action, I have in the main found it helpful and it has helped me decide how best to proceed. I did not cause this situation, I asked for was some help on handling it, not approval on what I decided.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/10/2017 16:30

Sorry to sound harsh. It's just so frustrating to read about someone being trampled by everyone and putting up with it.

But we are just readers empathising with you according to what we read - it is of course your life and your choices.

RogueBiscuit · 01/10/2017 16:49

I wouldn't put myself through the trauma of any of it. Why suffer this for someone who has no loyalty or basic consideration for you. What does bil say about it?

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