More of a WWYD really....wedding

[QueenofallIsee]

I found out 2 years ago that my longterm partner had embarked upon an emotional affair, crossing several lines. My BPD was at that point undiagnosed and things were very very hard between us, with counselling we have tried to move forward. Good days and bad days - he did a foolish thing and the sense of betrayal may never go away but I am committed to moving on if we can. We are happy much of the time and I love him still.

The OW was a very close friend of myself, DP and my extended family. Think godparents to each other children, holidays together etc. My sister has stayed friends with her - her statement being that the OW was like her other sister for years (true) and in forgiving my DP for his actions, she forgives her too. I am not willing to do that nor do I think that the OW is especially sorry but (even though it hurt) I never reproached my sister, how could I? My decisions are mine and hers are hers. She felt as betrayed as I did I think

Now for the WWYD - my sister wants me to be her bridesmaid and the OW will be at the wedding. I suspect that I will have to be on the Hen Do with her and I know for a fact that the OWs son will be a page boy. My sisters wedding is not about me nor do I want it to be but to sit in the same room as her and my DP might be too much to bear.

Advice please?

I have read so many posts saying your Dsis is such a bitch..I just don't get it..

She made the decision to let it go for your sake..So rather than take sides with your DH. she has not took sides. ..It didn't effect her.

This is her wedding so many posts on this forum that say their wedding they can do what they want.. This doesn't sound like an acquaintance.

You should go..Hold your head up high.. Your relationship has survived. I am all in favour of blaming the DP however it was a betrayal by her.

going against the majority - I think your beef should be first and foremost with your DH. after all he betrayed you.

If you are able to forgive DH such a big betrayal, you cannot really be angry with your DSis for forgiving OW.

Can you sit down with your sister and share this huge and upsetting problem with her? Her day could very well be ruined by this, so I think she needs to know how serious this is to you. You could have your parents or other very trusted people there too, to support the discussion about not having OW there at all, for any part of the wedding. I would try that first. The OW can't seriously expect to be there surely anyway! You would hope she would do the right thing and step away but maybe not, and you can't live in hope she will.

If the discussion takes you nowhere then organise the hen without the OW, if she must come, then you have to bail out with some excuse. No one would possibly expect you to spend the evening with someone who has betrayed you like this.

The wedding I would attend the ceremony, stay for one drink and go (headache or something similar) I would not stay for the whole thing, no way. Your sister has papered over the cracks for a long time now, and I hope it doesn't unravel on her wedding day. Try not to let it ruin your relationship with your sister if you can possibly avoid it, she obviously feels it wasn't an affair, some people have different ideas what constitutes being unfaithful, for her it is not a dealbreaker, but for most it would be.

The OW has some gall to turn up to a wedding made up of your family and your DPs family!

Titania - I agree with you. I think the DMs of the bride and groom could well make it clear that OW is not welcome at the wedding, The godson pageboy's DF (OW's DH) can bring him to the wedding.

OP I really feel for you, DS has put you into an incredibly difficult situation, no wonder she didn't tell you, or anyone, until it turned out OW's DS was in the wedding party. Is DS normally so insensitive and careless of her family's feelings?

Hang on it's your BIL marrying your DS?
How did I miss that bit? Is DH the best man in this wedding?
The brothers need to sit down and discuss this, it isn't on. OW coming to a family wedding, not only one side of the family she has wronged, but both? Very messed up woman, has she no shame?

I agree with getting the brothers to discuss this. Your sister is being incredibly unreasonable. I don't know if I could go to the wedding. And then there's a massive complication of the ow. If your dp goes without you, there will be terrible gossip and this could put a massive strain on your relationship, which you really don't need.

Either get the mothers to sort it out, or get the brothers to do it.

Like fuck I'd go to my sister's wedding if she prioritised an OW over me. And there would be war if DH expected to go without me to a party that OW was also attending.

I'd just politely decline. In fact, perhaps as a show of unity you and your DH should decline to attend. Your marriage is too important and is too fragile for either of you to attend where an unrepentant OW will be and dragging up the very recent hurts for you.

I don't think your sister is a bitch. I think she is immature and self regarding. But you have done yourself a disservice by disguising your own feelings.

Decide what you can and can not handle and talk to her. I hope she realises your value.

I have a younger brother and in similar circumstances i might remain friends with the OM but at any public family event I'd make clear where my ultimate loyalties laid. A good friend has a different role to a loving sibling - ideally we'd all have both - but if push comes to shove my family (in these circumstances) would come first.

If your DH really is 'a good man' who did a 'shitty thing' he will understand your feelings. He will also sort out this mess for you. How he does this is his problem. This is a real test of his respect for you and whether he is genuinely sorry for what he did.
Your sister is a bitch. She says OW is 'like a sister' - but you really are her sister. I would question your relationship with her.

Oh gosh! I think the ow should not be invited to the hen do. Well she shouldn't be invited to the wedding but I think if your sis wants her there then you might just have to grin and bare it. Could you speak to your sister about the hen do? You need to explain you want to plan it but you are worried that there will be a drunken argument if ow is there and obviously you don't want that to happen. Don't make apologies, as you owe none!

"My sister has stayed friends with her - her statement being that the OW was like her other sister for years"

Well, it clearly suits your sister to say that, because it excuses her decision to remain close friends with the OW ... but ... it's clearly not true, otherwise she would be asking "her other sister" to be her Bridesmaid too.

However that wouldn't suit your sister, that might really spoil her wedding day, so instead she is making a choice that will only spoil your time at her wedding day ... worse, on some level she knows that, but is refusing to allow it to matter.

Actually, (and very weirdly ) I am furious with your sister on your behalf ... but I get that you love her and want to be there for her.

If you really feel you have to go the wedding ... if you do want to go, albeit for your sister.

I think you should tell her all that. I think you should tell her that this will be incredibly difficult for you, but you love her and want to support her, so you will be there.
Tell her that you will not speak to OW ... won't ever acknowledge her presence ... and you will do everything within your power to tolerate the intolerable, for your sisters sake.
Tell her that you will be her Bridesmaid, if that is what she wants, but you will understand if she wants to rethink that, if she is concerned that you being bridesmaid under such circumstances (e.g. you not speaking to OW / you not acknowledging OW's presence /you having to tolerate OW presence) will put an atmosphere on everything.

Tell her you will do all that, because you love her, and you will hope the wedding crowd will help you keep a low profile and get through the day ... but tell her that it would, for you, be an impossible step to also attend a hen do, to which OW was a guest, so you won't be going to the hen do.

Once you have told her all that (even if you have to write her a note) her reaction will tell you exactly where she stands in this. A sister who cares about her sibling would un-invite the OW.

p.s. Of course, If you don't really feel you have to go the wedding ... if you can't bear to go through with this ... then you really should not go.

I do think that weddings and funerals are
Places where this shit comes up in life .

Ex wife and new wife's
Families that have broken up
Siblings that don't talk
Abuser and victim sadly
Etc etc

They can be very fraught . What I mean is that you are not the first or the last here it's pretty common

Plus she has the bloody page boy issue now

But hen do ? No way Jose .

I agree that the OW has a brass neck to go to the wedding at all. So many people will despise her.

If I were you I would, as others have suggested, try and get the brothers andmothers on side and try and get your sister to see sense. I think it is badenough that she still wants to be friends with this woman but to invite her to the wedding??

If the woman goes to the wedding well ifIwere you I just wouldn't go. It is too much to ask. Why put yourself through that to be there for your sister who is the person making you suffer so in this instance.

I would do something else instead. Tough luck on your sister if you aren't there.

Wow. There's no way I could remain friends with someone who did that to my sister. She's not her 'other sister' she's someone who has treated you badly and needs to be binned off!

Surely the OW won't turn up to the wedding?

"Surely the OW won't turn up to the wedding?"

Her small son is pageboy, AmysTiara, so it seems likely that she will.

I think for the wedding day you'll need to put up with it but I would tell my sister it's me or her for the hen do. You are her actual sister he loyalty should be with you. To be honest, I'd expect my sister to have cut her off for having an affair with my husband in the first place.

Your sister seems to seriously lack understanding.....

I would speak to her and make it clear you don’t feel comfortable to go to the Hen Do and that you won’t be maid of honour due to the fact OW has been invited

I would also speak to your mum and MIL, as you said they both have issues with OW, maybe they could bang some sense into ‘dear’ sister’s head

not sure why all the anger is directed at the OW. an affair takes two and DH was just as much part of it. Nobody is mentioning that. After all, he is the one who cheated on you, not OW.

OP, I get it is hard but in the end of the day it is your sister's wedding and OW did nothing to her (not directly). I think I would suck the issue up. It's your sister's day, not yours.

I also disagree that blood relationships should trump others. I think life is far more complex than that and sometimes friends can be much more important than family.

It’s sort of fair enough the line she has taken, the logic is there. In her mind as well she probably thinks “it wasn’t that bad” as it was “just” an emotional affair, and sure it was two years ago and you’re over it. But possibly given the fact you raised her she’s used to making choices which suit her feelings alone, and expects you to just suck it up and make it work like you’ve done in the past.

I think you almost need to do the BM duties, otherwise you’ll be rewritten as the bitter cow who snubbed her sister’s wedding. That’s not fair but that’s how these things go. Now the hen do’s another matter, and I would be quite upfront about the fact that you + OW + shed loads of drink = drama. Whilst you can try to police your own behaviour, you can’t speak for her and you don’t want that to cause an issue.

Personally I think the way to go is through the brother/groom. Especially if your DP speaks to him along with his DM and explains this could cause major issues and make his wedding actually a quite unpleasant experience for many on both sides of the family.

I would speak to DH too and tell him that if he even glances at OW then you will have a problem. They are not to speak or even go near each other.
Re the hen do. Tell someone else so they can keep you two apart incase you get drunk and it all comes out. Do not speak to each other at all

Sounds awful :-/ I think for the wedding you may just have to suck it up. Can you calmly talk to your sister beforehand and ask for her help in ensuring any contact with OW is minimised eg making sure you have different tasks on the day, on different tables etc?

Regarding the hen do, if your sister isn't willing to prioritise you, could you opt out but organise a separate hen with your mum so you have a girly day together to celebrate?

I'm with everyone else.....my best friends would not do this to me leave alone a sister! Keep your dignity OP and careful with the alcohol. Try not to get into a situation where your feelings could spill out in a way you regret xx

I really really appreciate the responses, thanks all! I think that there is such a diversity of opinion is actually helpful - the issue is not clear cut and I should not expect everyone involved in the wedding to see the issue as I do but my feelings are valid and I should share them. I am almost pathologically unable to open up without complete trust so after the initial break down (where my sister was a wonderful support), I cannot speak about it easily, especially knowing her divided loyalty. I envy people who can put it all out there! I am going to speak to my sister and ask her about her expectations - how does SHE envisage this playing out and what are her expectations of me on the day and the lead up. That will let me sound out in a (hopefully) non confrontational way, how she imagined this being. She must have given it thought, she is not a thoughtless or selfish person by nature at all.