More of a WWYD really....wedding

[QueenofallIsee]

I found out 2 years ago that my longterm partner had embarked upon an emotional affair, crossing several lines. My BPD was at that point undiagnosed and things were very very hard between us, with counselling we have tried to move forward. Good days and bad days - he did a foolish thing and the sense of betrayal may never go away but I am committed to moving on if we can. We are happy much of the time and I love him still.

The OW was a very close friend of myself, DP and my extended family. Think godparents to each other children, holidays together etc. My sister has stayed friends with her - her statement being that the OW was like her other sister for years (true) and in forgiving my DP for his actions, she forgives her too. I am not willing to do that nor do I think that the OW is especially sorry but (even though it hurt) I never reproached my sister, how could I? My decisions are mine and hers are hers. She felt as betrayed as I did I think

Now for the WWYD - my sister wants me to be her bridesmaid and the OW will be at the wedding. I suspect that I will have to be on the Hen Do with her and I know for a fact that the OWs son will be a page boy. My sisters wedding is not about me nor do I want it to be but to sit in the same room as her and my DP might be too much to bear.

Advice please?

I think galaxy is the ow or the sister!

My sister would be (I hope) loyal to me and not to the person my H/P had an affair with.
She certainly wouldn't invite her to the wedding or put her feelings above mine!

What's so amazing about your sister inviting this woman is that it will be the talk of the wedding. Isn't it worth you having one conversation with her where you say:

• I want to make the wedding as joyful for you as possible. This is honestly not about me.
• BUT have you thought about what the day will be like - full of whispered conversations and gossip.
• If you insist on going ahead, I will rise above it but she cannot come to the hen do.

Yes I think your mum is key in this and perhaps she could break the news to your mil too. Then sit back and watch op.

I've not RTFT but your sister is being disloyal by staying friends with the OW and therefore however much you love your sis you should only do what you're comfortable with re the wedding. Be upfront about your reasons for not attending the hen/wedding whatever you decide so she can make the choice whether to invite OW or not. That's not in a blackmaily sort of way but I think you have every reason to feel uncomfortable in the same space as your DP and the OW at the same time and she shouldn't expect you to the insensitive cow

Go high, honey. It's all you can do. I'm so sorry. You just have to go, have a great time and ignore the fuck out of her. If she's stupid enough to go along to an event where she's going to be quite unwelcome, then hell mend her. In the circumstances, with it being a double wedding, you have to go. If you don't want to hurt your sister or damage your relationship, you have to be bridesmaid. You do not have to acknowledge her in any way whatsoever. If there's a hen do, ask if she's coming and if so just explain politely that you have no intention of ever speaking to or having anything to do with her again so you won't come on the hen so it's not awkward. If your sis pulls the 'Oh but it's my wedding, I want my sister there' bullshit just explain to her that it's better if you don't come along as you don't want to end up letting your guard down and spoiling things, but of course if it's so important to have you there she can politely tell the 'friend' not to come.

I'm so sorry you've been put in this position, how horrible :-( I think you are right to try to stay calm and dignified in all of this and I am very impressed with how you have not allowed your sister's decision to ruin your relationship with her - she is flesh and blood at the end of the day.

No way should you be driven from your own sister's wedding or hen, especially not by such a pathetic and horrible excuse of a person! Can't believe she would have the gall to turn up when everyone there knows what she's done! The mind boggles! I would be beyond mortified! It's bad enough for your DH but at least everyone knows he's trying to make amends, which can't be said of her!

In your position I would take sis aside and explain you are supportive of her picking her friends but a) you can't face the hen if she is there and b) her presence at the wedding will put a real downer on the day given how many people dislike her. Surely your sis won't want anything that could cloud the day?

Failing that I would get your mum to have a word and your DH / DMIL to have a word with your DBIL.

Good luck, you don't deserve any of this.

I don't think your sister is a bitch at all.

I can see her point about forgiving your dp and also forgiving her too.

Your sister has no blame in this at all but is expected to choose sides between a lifelong family friend and your dp?

You can organise the hen party and just not invite the OW and spend the day of the wedding avoiding her, it sounds like she won't have many people there to talk to anyway so will probably leave early.

I think it's really unfair that your sister is being slated here. 2 people that she loves did something very wrong, not her.

I never asked her to choose sides, really I didn't! When I realized that she was remaining close to the OW I was gutted but I never, ever made it an issue between my sister and I. There IS a distance now because I can't quite see things in the same way, I didn't expect any of this, but I can't help that at the moment. My sister has acted in the way that best suits her conscience and loyalty and that is OK. I need to work out the best way to deal with it.

For me this hurt would run too deep. If your sister loves you enough to want you as her bridesmaid then she loves you enough to show a bit of loyalty and remove this other woman from her life. I'd say you don't care about me enough to bin off the OW and therefore I don't care enough about you to be your bridesmaid.

2 people that she loves did something very wrong, not her.

Neither of these people is the OP though. So why is OP being punished?
If OP had an affair, fine that's fair.
If OP didn't want her own DP at the wedding, that's crossing the line a bit in terms of what's acceptable, because he'd also be the groom's brother.

But to invite some non-related friend who betrayed your own sister, and has not shown any remorse for this betrayal, when your sister hasn't done anything. How's that fair?

Your sister is marrying his brother?

Fuck me.

Bit of a drip feed there!!!!

It's so easy to say if you forgive then you forgive everything and don't use it as a stick to beat anyone with but we are made more of emotion than logic in many cases and that makes it so hard.

I think it's time for an honest talk with your sister and ask her what she would like. I'm not sure if it's just - she'd rather have you there than not even if it hurts you, or she misses you but your feelings are more important. The latter would be a big gesture towards her understanding what her staying friends with the OW does to you.

We recently had a family get together. Husband, wife and new partner (was an affair) were all invited and all came. I was in awe of how the innocent party conducted themselves with the affair partner.

Don't go. Your sister is being a massive bitch to put you in this position. If I was in your sister's position I would have cut OW out, not had her son as page boy with you as brides maid. I mean, WTAF

Be the BM but pass on the hen party duties to another BM

squeaver makes a good point. Is it possible that because it's an emotional affair your sister and this woman have developed this narrative between them of "nothing really happened so it's all ok" which has allowed them to smooth things over and carry on as normal, and your sis just doesn't realise that the ripples were far more serious than that. Are they both a bit immature maybe.

That would also fit with you being a bit of a mothering/sheltering figure to her - by choosing not to say anything about the friendship because "it's her choice", you've sheltered her, out of habit and with the best of intentions, from how much this whole thing hurt you.

I think your sister is right.. you have forgiven your husband so no reason why your sister can't be friends with the OW. It takes two to tango and it was your DH that was a cheating rat..

I agree with Cowbag, you are coping too well. You are trying to make your relationship work and rise above it all so you feel you cant be allowed show your hurt and pain. You have forgiven your dh so your sister just assumes well everything is ok now suck it up. You really dont have to. If I were you I would speak to your mother that you would really struggle to go to the wedding and indeed the hens with the OW there. She can gently suggest to your sister to tone it down and bit and be a bit more loyal to family. I dont understand her thinking at all. Sometimes people get so caught up in the wedding planning and themselves that they railroad everyone else with their decisions.

You dont have to be the bigger person here and pretend you dont care, you do, you are upset and you are allowed to be. You dont have to pretend just because you forgave your dh and now you have to pretend the hurt is gone. Your friend hurt you terribly, you dont have to be in the same room as her if you dont want to. You also dont have to be bridesmaid either if you feel its too much pressure on the day. Your sister chose you as MOH she should be ensuring that you dont have to be upset on the day and pretend to smile in photos.

You and your sister are both the innocent parties in this and you have each chosen to forgive, you have forgiven your dp, she has forgiven the OW.

Now your relationship has cracks in it. It seems so unfair.

I think it would have been a different scenario if you had split up with your dp after the affair, but you chose to forgive because you love him.

Your sister has just done the same thing with the OW.

I am sorry that you are going through this op, it sucks i really hope you and your sister can repair your relationship.

I agree about passing on the hen do. If your sister insists on inviting the OW then go to the wedding - and make sure you have a good circle of friends round you who know the score and can keep her away from you. But I would be telling your sister that unfortunately you cannot attend the hen do with this woman there so you are happy to give it a miss.

Neither of these people is the OP though. So why is OP being punished?

Why is the sister being punished?

Your sister let you down hugely IMO, and her wedding isn't sufficient reason to ignore it. I wouldn't agree to be her matron of honour in the circumstances, or to organise or attend the hen do if OW would be attending, and would be honest about my reasons. I would just attend the wedding as a guest.

OP's sister prioritised her friend over her sister. That decision hurt the OP badly and it's understandable that she doesn't wish to be around OW.

Eh? Being forced to be in the same room as the woman who had an emotional affair with your DP and betrayed you after years of a close friendship is not the same as being "forced" to exclude even a very good friend from a wedding.

Your sister is so wrong in this situation and I'm so sorry for you 😢 Why would she want to keep this woman close to you?!

I would be so so unhappy at the wedding and dread the event. If I went I would do the minimum and leave as soon as I could.

Get the brothers to discuss it. Your DH has the most to lose from this situation. He's been forgiven and lots of people might have half forgotten by now.

If OW plays an important role in the wedding celebrations then his infidelity will be back as the hot topic of gossip. Your hurt will be reopened, his reputation will be further damaged, his brother's happy day will be tarnished and no doubt people will mutter that brother is probably a cheater too.

Get DH working out a solution with his brother.